Most people are mirrors, reflecting the moods and emotions of the times; few are windows, bringing light to bear on the dark corners where troubles fester. The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows. The social self is the image we think other people have of us, and the way we ourselves present to other people because of this view. One problem is that, in order to project this image, we may sometimes feel compelled to do or say things we do not really feel. This can turn into a sort of game that keeps us from really communicating with people. So-called satellite relationships may be formed by either partner, and this often causes great pain as well as enriching growth. Satellite relationships means a close secondary relationship outside the marriage which may or may not involve pleasure of the flesh, but which is valued for itself. It seems much preferable to such terms as “extramarital pleasures of the flesh” or “an affair” or “mistress” or “lover.” When two persons in a partnership learn to look upon each other as separate persons, with separate as well as mutual interests and needs, they are likely to discover that outside relationships are one of those needs. And when that outside relationship involves the possibility of intimacy involving pleasures of the flesh, it poses problems for the primary partners. #RandolphHarris 1 of 19

Larke, for example, gives her partner Radley, the freedom to date other women, and knows that the dating can lead to pleasures of the flesh.  Intellectually this has her full approval, but her emotional lag behind this logical stance. She is often jealous and hurt, yet also feels confirmed by the fact that Radley always prefers her, returns to her. I often observe in encounter groups, or groups where couples are involved, the beginning development of such satellite relationships. An emotional, volatile wife who is resentful of her husband’s compulsive dedication to his research forms a new relationship with another man in the group. He is playful, which her husband is not. He is feelingful and expressive of emotions, qualities lacking in her husband. The relationship becomes very close. The woman is very open with both her husband and her new-found love about her excitement and satisfaction in the new alliance, and also the confusion and conflict it generates in her. Her husband had a great many good qualities, and she feels disloyal to him, but–. As for her researcher-husband, who has described himself in the group as being without feelings, he discovers a depth of jealousy and anger in himself that frightens him. He is suffering intensely. He and his wife talk and talk, sometimes bitterly, sometimes caringly, at times really understanding one another, at other times experiencing nothing but anger. #RandolphHarris 2 of 19

Because of all of this was so much in the open, the group and I were a part of the situation. We could not help but observe the sharp swings in mood between husband and wife, the alternating closeness and distancing in the satellite relationship. Different members of the group listened understandingly to all three members f the triangle, especially to the pain and anger and conflict experienced by the wife and her husband. As the group experience came to an end, I wondered whether a person-centered approach would be responsible for breaking up a marriage which, with all its flaws, had lasted for many years. It is a heavy question to ponder. Months later a member of the group told me of a letter she had received from the wife. Their marriage, she said, had never been better. They were talking with each other in ways they had never done before, sharing feelings they would previously have hidden. The marriage had more value, to each of them, than in all its previous years. The dynamics of their marriage has drastically changed. Previously the hard-working, achieving husband cared for and looked after the woman he regarded as overemotional and needing restraint. Meanwhile his wife resented his dedication to his work, felt unfulfilled, regarded herself as definitely his inferior. Now it has come much closer to being a partnership of equals. #RandolphHarris 3 of 19

This is a pattern I have observed on numerous occasions. There is no doubt in my mind that when partnerships are exposed to a person-centered approach satellite relationship become more likely. Individuals—both men and women—discover that it is possible to feel love for more than one person at a time. One or both may experience a second love, outside of their primary relationship. This nearly always leads to jealousy, pain, and fear and loss. Yet that crisis can be lived through with a consequent enrichment of the partnership. The core of the problem is jealousy, and the depth of its roots. Jealousy characterizes the relationship in which one seeks more power than love. Many do not believe that jealousy has any place in open marriage. The frequency of jealousy has made me wonder whether it is simply the result of cultural conditioning, in which case it might disappear in a generation or two, or whether it has some basic biological foundation, like the territoriality that we find in animals, birds, and ourselves. There is evidence in the lives of many couples to indicate that feelings of jealousy can be modified and worked through, though not without feelings of hurt. To the extent that jealousy is made up of a sense of possessiveness, any alteration in that feeling makes a profound difference in the politics of the marriage relationship. #RandolphHarris 4 of 19

Feelings of jealousy can also be modified and worked through to the degree that each partner becomes truly a free agent, then the relationship only has permanence if the partners are committed to each other, are in good communication with each other, accept themselves as separate persons, and live together as persons, not roles. This is a new and mature kind of relationship toward which many couples are striving. One woman, speaking out of her own personal experience in her marriage and also a counselor, expresses a point of view full of person-centered wisdom: “I think that there is one essential condition for living through the crises and enriching the relationship. It is the ability to believe that you have the right to experience what you are experiencing, and that you do not need the permission of your partner to do it. At the same time, you care enough for your partner to stay with him while he is having his feelings, and listen to them without feeling overresponsible and letting them control your behaviour. What I see frequently happening is that the partner who is involved in another relationship feels controlled, guilty, and angry when he is not received fully by his mate. That increases the feeling of threat and abandonment in the other, who becomes more clinging. #RandolphHarris 5 of 19

Pretty soon they are involved in a terrible vicious cycle that is very hard to break. I think the ideal situation is when one can tell the partner: “I need and I owe it to myself to experience this other relationship now. I am hearing your hurt, your jealousy, your fear, your anger; I do not like to receive them, but they are a consequence of the choice I am making, and I love you enough to want to be available to work through them with you. If I decide not to have this other experience it is because I choose to do so, and not because I let you stop me. In that way I will not feel resentful of you, and I will not punish you for my lack of courage in making my choices and being responsible for the consequences.” This is a mature kind of striving for both independence and richness. In general, the characteristics of an impairment of moral integrity are a decrease in sincerity and an increase in egocentricity. It is interesting to note that this connection that in Zen Buddhist writings sincerity is equated with wholeheartedness, pointing to the very conclusion we reach on the basis of clinical observation—namely, that nobody divided within oneself can be wholly sincere. #RandolphHarris 6 of 19

Sincerity, that is, not-deceiving, means putting forth one’s whole being, technically known as the whole being in action in which nothing is kept in reserve, nothing is expressed under disguise, nothing goes to waste. When a person lives like this, one is said to be a golden-haired lion; one is a symbol of virility, sincerity, wholeheartedness; one is divinely human. Egocentricity is a moral problem in so far as it entails making others subservient to one’s own needs. Instead of their being regarded and treated as human beings in their own right they come to be merely means to an end. They have to be appeased or liked for the sake of allaying one’s own anxiety; they have to be impressed for the sake of lifting one’s own self-respect; they have to be blamed because one cannot assume responsibility for oneself: they have to be defeated because of one’s own need to triumph, and so on. The particular ways in which these impairments manifest themselves vary with the individual. Most of them have already been dealt with in some other connection and need only be reviewed here in a more systematic fashion. I shall not attempt to be exhaustive. That would be difficult, if for no other reason than that we have not yet discussed sadistic trends and must postpone doing so because they are to be regarded as an end state of neurotic development. #RandolphHarris 7 of 19

Starting with the most obvious, whatever course a neurosis takes, unconscious pretenses are always a factor. Outstanding are the following: The pretense of love. The variety of feelings and strivings that can be covered by the term love or that are subjectively felt as such is astonishing. It may cover parasitic expectations on the part of a person who feels too weak or too empty to live one’s own life. In a more aggressive form it may cover a desire to exploit the partner, to gain through one success, prestige, and power. It may express a need to conquer someone and to triumph over one, or to merge with a partner and live through one, perhaps in a sadistic way. It may mean a need to be admired, and so secure affirmation for one’s idealized image. For the very reason that love in our civilization is so rarely a genuine affection, maltreatment and betrayal abound. We are left with the impression, then, that love turns into contempt, hate, or indifference. However, love does not swing around so easily. That fact is that the feelings and strivings prompting pseudo love eventually come to the surface. Needless to say, this pretense operates in the parent-child relationship and in friendship as well as in pleasures of the flesh. The pretense of goodness, unselfishness, sympathy, and the like is akin to the pretense of love. #RandolphHarris 8 of 19

The pretense of goodness is characteristic of the complaint type and is reinforced by a particular kind of idealized image as well as by the need to blot out all aggressive impulses. The pretense of interest and knowledge is most conspicuous in those who are alienated from their emotions and believe that life can be mastered by intellect alone. They have to pretend that they know everything and are interested in everything. However, it appears also in a more insidious way in persons who seem to be devoted to a particular calling, and without being aware of it use this interest as a steppingstone to success, power, or material advantage. The pretense of honesty and fairness is most frequently found in the aggressive type, especially when one has marked sadistic trends. One sees through the pretenses of love and goodness in others and believes that because one does not subscribe to the common hypocrisies of feigning generosity, patriotism, piety, or whatever, one is particularly honest. Actually one has one’s own hypocrisies of a different order. One’s lack of current prejudices may be a blind and negativistic protest against any traditional values. One’s ability to say no may be not strength but a wish to frustrate others. One’s frankness may be a wish to deride and humiliate. A desire to exploit may be behind the legitimate self-interest to which one confesses. #RandolphHarris 9 of 19

The pretense of suffering must be discussed in greater detail because of the confused views that circulate around it. Analysts who adhere strictly to Dr. Freud’s theories share with the layman the belief that the neurotic wants to feel abused, wants to worry, has a need for punishment. The data supporting the concept that the neurotic wants to suffer are well known. However, the term wants actually covers a variety of intellectual sins. The authors who propound the theory fail to appreciate that the neurotic suffers much more than one knows and that one usually becomes aware of one’s suffering only when one begins to recover. What is even more relevant, they do not seem to understand that suffering from unresolved conflicts is inevitable and entirely independent of one’s persona wishes. If a neurotic lets oneself go to pieces, one certainly does not bring such harm on oneself because one wants it but because inner necessities compel one to do so. If one is self-effacing and offers the other cheek, one—at least unconsciously—hates doing so and despises oneself for it; but one is in such terror of one’s own aggressiveness that one must go to the opposite extreme and let oneself be abused in some way or other. #RandolphHarris 10 of 19

Another characteristic that has contributed to the notion of a propensity for suffering is the tendency to exaggerate or dramatize any affliction. It is true that suffering may be felt and displayed for ulterior motives. It may be a plea for attention or forgiveness; it may be unconsciously used for purposes of exploitation; it may be an expression of repressed vindictiveness and be employed then as a means to exort sanctions. However, in view of the inner constellation, these are the only ways open to the neurotic to achieve certain ends. It is true also that one often lays one’s suffering to false causes and so gives the impression of wallowing in suffering for no good reason. Thus one may be disconsolate and attribute it to one’s being “guilty,” while in reality one suffers from not being one’s idealized image. Or one may feel lost when separated from a loved one, and though one attributes one’s feeling to one’s deep love, in reality—being torn within oneself—one cannot bear living alone. Finally, one may falsify one’s affects and believe that one suffers when actually one is filled with rage. A woman, for instance, may think she is suffering when her lover has not written at the appointed time, but is really angered because she wants things to happen exactly as she expects them or because she feels humiliated at any seeming lack of attention. #RandolphHarris 11 of 19

Suffering, in this case, is unconsciously preferred to recognizing the rage and the neurotic drives responsible for it, and is emphasized because it serves to cover up the duplicity involved in the whole relationship. In none of these instances, however, can it be inferred that the neurotic wants to suffer. What is expressed is an unconscious pretense of suffering. However, the self-actualized has a greater power, and seeks less publicity. It is only if one knows that a mission has to be performed calling for public notice that one is likely to abrogate this rule. Yet, of course, there will be no egoism and no vanity behind the abrogation. Such a prophet is like a bell, calling its hearers to attend the true church within themselves. One’s work is being done within the inner life of hundreds of human beings. One’s altruism is active more often behind the scenes of the World-stage than before its footlights. The masters rarely emerge from their obscurity to positions of influence and prominence but their disciples may and occasionally do. One will be content to plant seed-thoughts, and wait and work patiently, knowing and believing in the inherent power of true ideas to grow in their proper time into mature, fruitful existence. The perfect concentration that reigns within one’s being can have the same effect when deliberately directed upon sensitive and sympathetic minds as the concentration of the burning lens upon dry paper. #RandolphHarris 12 of 19

The devotee can be inspired, exalted, and illumined. Once one has uttered the sacred Word, once one has revealed to humans what they have not been able to know for themselves, one has done one’s work. If it fails to be accepted, if one gains no converts to belief in human’s higher purpose, the blame is not one’s. One cannot give spiritual peace to the spiritually peaceless as a lasting gift, but one can show them that it does exist as a reality and is no mere figment of the imagination. And one makes this demonstration by being just what one is and acting just as one does. The self-actualized starts no cult oneself and founds no church. This is usually done by the disciples who gather together because one would not gather them around. Merely to remember with devotion that such a being is living on Earth is to know, in some mysterious telepathic way, that there is inward sustenance. The last thing one wants to do is to leave a sect behind one. Like Jesus Christ, one wants people to depend on the truth rather than on a person. The words of a person so inspired, so wise, directly act on our minds and evoke our intuition. The self-actualized will help people on one’s own terms, not theirs, and guide them in one’s own way, again not necessarily the expected way. #RandolphHarris 13 of 19

Could we but trace some of these higher movements of history, we would have to trace their course back to the secret inspiration of some illuminates who live quietly and serve humankind without advertising the fact. That which the illuminate will give out as doctrine will depend upon the conditions and needs of one’s epoch and place. One will be neither too active nor ultramodernistic. In classical Christianity, faith implies the assumption of humans into redemption by Christ, one’s purification from the stain of original sin contracted in the First Man. Faith remains saving; it saves from estrangement by revealing that estrangement is, after all, not estranging. This estrangment is “sin,” incurred by the very fact that we are created. The correlation of faith and sin remains; the classical language may be used, but voided of its substances. There is no faith without a concrete content, corresponding to the objective knowledge of Revelation in classical theology, but the traditional terms have been given a radical reinterpretation. The formulas in which faith conveys its concrete content are only symbolic attempts to identify the Unconditioned. The real purpose of faith is to grasp the power of being, conquering non-being, to experience our ultimate concern, this purpose expresses itself in symbols and myths which point to the depth of reason and its mystery. #RandolphHarris 14 of 19

Objective statements of faith, whether made inside or outside the Christian tradition, are symbols and myths, pointers to the ultimate ground of being, to the absolute meaning of reality. Religion, whether pagan or Christian, is a system of symbolic statements and symbolic rites trying to express an experience of the Unconditioned. Religion is also the state of being grasped by the power of being-itself. As such it is a universal phenomenon lying at the root of atheism, agnosticism, and the loftiest mysticism: faith tends to become the stuff of all life. The case is the same, in this context, with religion: In some cases the religious root is carefully covered, in others it is passionately denied; in some it is deeply hidden and in others superficially. However, it is never completely absent. For everything that is participates in being-itself, and everybody has some awareness of this participation, especially in the moments which one experiences the threat of non-being. The religious situation of our age is implicitly surfacing in science, metaphysics, art, politics, ethics, unchurched mysticism, and eschatological movements. The religious situation is there identified with an unconscious, self-evident faith which lies at a deeper level than the apparent antithesis of belief and unbelief. #RandolphHarris 15 of 19

Images increase the danger of inadequate ideas. They have the power to obsess and to hypnotize, as well as to escape critical scrutiny. The image one has of oneself, for example, can override everything else and cause one to act in ways contrary to all reality and good sense. Those who have been rejected or abused as children or have lived with addicted or “cold” parents, have distorted images of themselves and of “reality.” These are constantly present to their minds and force them into the disastrous “lifescape” of thought where they then must live. In groups, shared images lead to fads, group-think, and mob hysteria that, once again, has no regard to fact or reasonableness. Individuals who suffer from a poor image of themselves are caught up in self-rejection and have no defenses against group pressures. They do not see themselves as the objects of God’s love, and they have no place to make a stand. Success, popularity and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often some from the way they are part of a much larger temptation of self-rejection. We have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions to our desolate condition. We accept it as a fact that we deserve to be pushed aside and rejected. We see ourselves that way. #RandolphHarris 16 of 19

Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the scared voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence. However, this profound truth will have little or no effect without powerful images of ourselves as God’s beloved. Self-rejection is, ultimately, our soul’s reproach to God’s, deriving from false images of oneself and one’s World. To manipulate images—and thereby people—is the work of the propagandist and the advertiser. Unfortunately, is often done in the name of Christ to achieve some desired result. By contrast, to loosen the grip of fallen imagery and its underlying idea structure is a fundamental part of what mental healthy professionals must do to assist their patients. It is also essential to the Christian ministries of inner healing and evangelism. In the millennial day all people will praise the Lord—He will dwell among them—Compare Isaiah 12. About 559-545 Before Christ. “And in that day thou shalt say: O Lord, I will praise thee; though thou wast angry with me thine anger is turned away, and thou comfortedst me. Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation. Therefore, with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation. #RandolphHarris 17 of 19

“And in that day shall ye say: Praise the Lord, call upon his name, declare his doings among the people, make mention that his name is exalted. Sing unto the Lord; for he hath done excellent things; this is known in all the Earth. Cry out and shout, thou inhabitant of Zion; for great is the Holy One of Israel in the midst of thee,” reports 2 Nephi 22.1-6. O Benignant King of ages and Master of all creation, relieve Thy Church approaching Thee through Christ; fulfil for each of us what is good for him; bring us all to perfection, and make us meet for the grace of Thy sanctification, uniting us together in Thy Holy Church, which Thou hast purchased with the precious Blood of Thine Only begotten Son, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ; with Whom, and with Thine All-holy, good, and life-giving Spirit, Thou art blessed and glorified forever. Lord Jesus, please grant me the favour of being led by Thee, under the directions of Thy providence and Thy word. Grant me Thy blessings with bitter things, to brighten and quicken me, not to depress and make me lifeless; please grant me, like Gideon of old, way-tokens, by removing things that discourage me; grant me succour beneath the shadow of Thy sympathy when I am tempted. Accept my unceasing thanks that I am not cast off from Thy hand as a darkened star or a rudderless vessel. #RandolphHarris 18 of 19

Suffer not my life to extend beyond my usefulness; cast me not under the feet of pride, injustice, riches, Worldly greatness, selfish oppression of humans; please help me to wait patiently, silently upon Thee, not to be enraged or speak unadvisedly. Let Thy mercy follow me while I life, and give me assistance to resign myself to Thy will. Take my heart and hold it in Thy hand; write upon it reverence to Thyself with an inscription that time and eternity cannot erase. To Thy grace and the care of Thy covenant I commit myself, in sickness, and in health, for Thou hast overcome the World, fulfilled the law, finished justifying righteousness, swallowed up death in victory, and taken all power everywhere. Make this covenant with thine own blood in the court of forgiving mercy; attach unto in Thy name in which I believe, for it is sealed by my unworthy mortal hand. The self-actualized announces one’s revelation to one’s contemporaries in the mode that is one’s and theirs. Ina scientific age one will present facts and reason logically. Great Adepts are content to make history rather than figure in it, although their figures have glowed brightly in history like shooting stars and then disappeared. One’s success in communicating truth will depend, on one’s audience’s side, both on the degree of understanding it possesses and feelings it envinces toward one. #RandolphHarris 19 of 19

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