I do not divine the World into the weak and the strong, or the success and the failures, those who make it and those who do not. I divine the World into learners and non-learners. We live under a government of humans and morning newspapers. However, one, on God’s side is a majority. The gulf that exists between partners may be due to old hurts. Pierce Thorndyke III and Bianca Dupree-Thorndyke have been married for fifteen years, have worked out many difficulties due to differing religious and cultural backgrounds, and their relationship now seems quite stable. Yet in an interview she reveals that she has held back much of her affection, and is not now freely giving toward him, because of an old resentment. During the early years of marriage, Bianca felt she did 90 percent of the giving, Pierce 10 percent. She has never talked out her resentment, and has carried evidence of this old scar into her present relationship with him. Both of them are now sad that she did not express her feelings much earlier—the partnership might have been much improved. Another effect is that communication becomes more open, more real, with more mutual listening. One can sometimes see the exact moment in which this process is taking place. #RandolphHarris 1 of 22

In a couples group a husband and wife were constantly attacking each other. The group tried to help them to listen more, to express their own feelings, not their judgments. The husband seemed to absorb something of this, and took the risk of stating, rather poignantly, the trap he felt he was in. The moment he ceased speaking, his wife took off in her attack on his motives and his behaviour toward her. The facilitator interrupted her, “Did you hear what your husband was trying to tell you?” “Of course I did.” The facilitator said, “Would you just tell him the essence of what he said, so that he know you heard him?” She fell silent, obviously searching her memory. She began to look very embarrassed. Finally she said to her husband, in the softest voice she had used since the group began, “What did you say?” It was the beginning of more listening. In the climate of a person-centered approach the partners come to recognize the value of separateness. Larke and Radley, a wealthy couple with a seemingly happy marriage, had all the external trappings imaginable. Both were well educated. Eighteen years earlier, Radley, a student at Harvard Law School, meets Larke Tanner at an auction in Nantucket, were they bid on the same antique. Radley Rose chats Larke up and they become friends. #RandolphHarris 2 of 22

When Larke misses her ferry home, the two end up spending the night together. Things went well for them. Eventually the two marry and have two children and settle an opulent suburban home, in Cresleigh Ranch, and own impressive new Ultimate Driving Machine. They did everything together, and over the years, the Roses grow richer. Everyone regarded theirs as a very successful marriage. Inwardly they both found the marriage uninteresting and frustrating. They were disillusioned and angry—at each other, but especially at life. They attended a couples group, and began to realize that they had stopped growing when they married, and more important, that they were not communicating. Finally Radley risked revealing himself and told Larke of the affairs he had been having Empress, Fifi, Jett, Jillian, Nikki Darling, and Tara Belle. Larke was frightened and jealous. She had assumed that there was security in her World, and now that World had collapsed. Her marriage was out of control, and she was very threatened. However, even in her fright there was a dawning realization, “If he can separate, perhaps I can too.” She became much more open in the group, and hence was seen as more lovable. Yet, to see that she was lovable in the eye of the group members was scary to Radley. He in his turn felt threatened and hurt. #RandolphHarris 3 of 22

However, his courage in being open about his affairs led Larke to be more courageous. Soon they were talking all night, each discovering new and interesting facets of the other. More and more each became aware of their separateness. They now can permit each other to date and pursue other relationships. Larke especially has dropped her “nice” image and become more of a real self, a self in which she feels much more confidence. For Larke and Radley both, a growth-promoting climate has meant a complete alteration in the politics of their marriage. No longer are they controlled by society’s expectations—that they must do everything together, must follow a conventional pattern, must submerge their lives in each other. They are becoming unique and separate persons, pursuing differing paths, and bound together by communication and mutual love, not by some imagined conventional pattern from outside. Another result such a climate is that the woman’s growing independence is recognized as valuable in the relationship. This is another example of the separateness we have just been noting, but it is such an important part of modern partnership that it deserves special mention. Troy Jeffries recently experienced what he called a “blockbuster” in his marriage. He has been preoccupied with his work. Bianca has carried the difficult task of raising their son, not without buried resentment. #RandolphHarris 4 of 22

As Bianca’s time became more free with the passing years, she returned to the university for further education, being exposed to several person-centered influences. She decided that she wanted to take a professional position in the town where they had formerly lived. She told Troy, but he simply could not take it seriously. When it did hit home that she meant it and that he would either have to give her up or change jobs himself, it was, as he says, a “blockbuster.” The family discussions were heated, and Bianca fortunately talked out some of her resentment, becoming more willing to make accommodation. However, the family is moving, Troy is changing jobs, and the dynamics of their relationship has altered dramatically. Troy has more respect for his wife; he seems more clearly the role he has played of being married to his job; and the ability of each of them to share their feelings has been markedly increased. Even in regard to their relationship in the pleasures of the flesh, which have never been ideal, there is more communication and hope. Part of the problem is that successful intimacy in pleasures of the flesh has been difficult when Bianca has been harbouring a buried resentment toward her husband. The problem of where to live, when both husband and wife are working and have attractive opportunities in different communities, is an increasing one. #RandolphHarris 5 of 22

Solving marital differences demands the utmost of shared feelings, exploration of all the options, and willingness to reach a solution that may not be ideal for either. Such problems are certain to occur more frequently as marriage is seen as an equalitarian partnership, with each spouse being respected as able to make important choices. However, negotiation implies that something negative is happening to both side in order to reach a mutual agreement that also accommodates the demands of both parties. This new trend is often especially threatening to the husband of the developing professional woman. Her increased independence makes him feel unneeded as a provider, his old role. There is always the possibility that she may earn more than he. Where both are in the same or similar professions, competition becomes implicit in their relationship. As a consequence the quality of their pleasures of the flesh, the degree to which each is growing, the extent to which they are developing mutual interests—all of these become far more important than in conventional marriages. Inevitably, in person-centered situation, there is increasing recognition of the importance of feelings, as well as reason, of emotions as well as intellect. A feeling is an emotionally tinged experience, together with its personal meaning. #RandolphHarris 6 of 22

Thus, a feeling includes the emotion but also the cognitive content of the meaning of that emotion in its experiential context. [They are] experienced inseparably in the moment. Including as it does both emotion and meaning, feeling is the broader term. The stress that recent centuries have placed upon reason, thinking, and rationality is the attempt to divorce the two actually inseparable components of experience, to the detriment of our humanity. This divorce of reason from feeling is one of the first myths to disappear in a person-centered approach. Individuals find themselves communicating with their whole beings, expressing their experiences, not some desiccated intellectual representation of them. This is one of the major reason why a person-centered approach has been so valuable to married couples and those living together in relationships. “Pure” reason and “objective” evaluation are not a basis on which two human beings can effectively live together. It means that they are attempting to exclude half of their experience (and perhaps the most important half) from their communication. Through intensive groups, student-centered classes, books, couples groups, and other sources more and more persons are learning the folly of such pseudo-communicate themselves as they are. #RandolphHarris 7 of 22

 I will not attempt to deal here with the ways in which such real communication can be thwarted by jargon or by an encounter-group ritual. “I want to know what you really feel,” can be as much a pseudo-communication as any other, if it is not based on what the speaker is experiencing at the moment. Our American culture has been so corrupted by the fictional TV News media that anything can be turned into a “gimmick.” There is no doubt that this has often happened in the encounter groups and in the training of parents to be “real.” These false notes do not, however, change the importance of true communication, which is also on the increase. Exposure to a person-centered approach means that there is a thrust toward the experiencing of greater mutual trust, personal growth, and shared interests. The partners tend to develop more trust in each other as they are more real with each other. Being more real, they take more risks in being open, and thus enhance their growth as persons. As they communicate more deeply, they are likely to discover, and to wish to develop, more interest that they do or can share. #RandolphHarris 8 of 22

Experience in a person-centered psychological atmosphere has another result. Roles, and role expectations, tend to drop away and are replaced by the person, choosing her own way of behaving.  Here are the expected roles of the male in the partnership. The man is head of the family. He is the sole provider. He is the stronger, the superior individual in the pair (and most women let their husbands believe this because they want a happy marriage and a confident man), though helped by “the little woman.” His life is governed by intellect, not by emotion. He alone may occasionally have need of an “affair.” He takes the lead in pleasures of the flesh. He is the stern disciplinarian of his children. All these roles and expectations collapse in a person-centered experience. The focus becomes the man as an individual person—human, fluctuating, behaving in the light of his immediate feelings and his long-range goals. The expectations for the woman are likewise open to challenge. The wife is submissive to her husband. She finds complete satisfaction in her home and children. She doe all the task of making and keeping a home happy, healthy, clean and fresh. She is the nest-builder. In comparison with her husband she is physically not as strong and usually allows him to act as ultimate authority. #RandolphHarris 9 of 22

The woman of the house plays an important role, she is capable of feelings, but usually what the husband says is the rule of law. She subordinates her interest to those of her spouse. Her pleasures of the flesh are usually subdued. She is not to engage in extramarital pleasures of the flesh. Again, the behaviour that is expected in playing these roles collapses in an encounter group or in person-centered therapy or in women’s consciousness-raising group. The individual woman emerges, with a sharply defined personality that is hers alone, behaving in the way that suits her needs and her choices. The sociological role loses its force in a person-centered experience. The male and female roles are rarely put forward so bluntly in today’s culture. They have already been weakened by social forces. However, we find them implicit in our social structure. Why are men paid more than women for the same job? Why are women permitted to weep when hurt, but not men? These roles are still very much alive and functioning, even though weakened. However, they lose their force completely in a person-centered encounter group. Here we find a man weeping, and a woman with the strength to help him find his way out of sorrow. Here we find a man who feels secure only in his present nest, with an adventurous wife to takes steps to a new life. #RandolphHarris 10 of 22

We find all of the usual role expectations being contradicted in the experience of men and women struggling to be their own experiencing. This leads to behaviour that is sometimes in line with role expectations, and sometimes not, but at no time is the behaviour governed by the role the person is expected to play. There is a more realistic appraisal of the needs each can meet in the other. When a man is thinking of his partner as a person, it becomes apparent that it is most unlikely that he can meet all of her needs—social, in pleasures of the flesh, emotional, intellectual. With equal force it strikes the woman that she cannot be everything to this man. When we are thinking not just of today but of years of being together, these statements become especially true. So it become only realistic to recognize that each partner will need to grant the other more living space for outside interests, outside relationships, time alone—all of the elements that enrich life. This in no way contradicts the continuing search for a wider and deeper mutual life. It simply means that, as Pierce and Bianca learned, they do not have to do everything together. Experiencing that greater freedom leads them to a more rewarding life together. #RandolphHarris 11 of 22

A general disturbance is symptomatic and relevant here and is known as inertia. Patients suffering from it sometimes accuse themselves of being lazy, but actually they cannot be lazy and enjoy it. They may have a conscious aversion to effort of any kind, and may rationalize it by saying tat it is up to others to carry out the “details”—that is, do the work. The aversion to effort may also appear as a fear that effort would be injurious to them. This fear is understandable in view of the fact that they know they tire easily; and it may be enhanced by the advice of physicians who take the exhaustion at its face value. Neurotic inertia is a paralysis of initiative action. Generally speaking, it is the result of a strong alienation from self and a lack of goal-direction. Long experience of strained and unsatisfactory effort leaves the neurotic with a fairly pervasive listlessness—although periods of hectic activity sometimes intervene. Of the single contributing factors the most influential are the idealized image and sadistic trends. The very fact of having to make a consistent effort may be felt by the neurotic as humiliating evidence that he is not his idealized image, while the prospect of doing something that might be only mediocre is so deterring that he prefers not to do it at all but perform magnificently in fantasy. #RandolphHarris 12 of 22

The gnawing self-contempt that invariably follows from the image robs him of the assurance that he can do anything worth while, thereby burying as in quicks all incentive and joy in activity. Sadistic trends, particularly in their repressed form (inverted sadism), make a person lean over backward from anything resembling aggression, with the result that a more or less complete psychic paralysis may ensure. Since it covers not only action but feelings as well, general inertia is of particular significance. The amount of energy that is wasted in consequence of unresolved neurotic conflicts is unfathomably great. Since neuroses are ultimately a product of the particular civilization, such a thwarting of human gifts and qualities stands as a serious indictment of the culture in question. Living with unresolved conflicts entails not only a diffusion of energies but also a split in matters of a moral nature—that is, in moral principles and all the feelings, attitudes, and behaviour that bear upon one’s relations with others and affect one’s own development. And as in the case of energies division leads to waste, so in moral question it leads to a loss of moral wholeheartedness, or in other words to an impairment of moral integrity. Such impairment is brought about by the contradictory positions assumed as well as by the attempts to conceal their contradictory nature. #RandolphHarris 13 of 22

Incompatible sets of moral values appear in the basic conflict. Despite all attempts to harmonize them, all of them keep operating. This means, however, that none is or can be taken seriously. The idealized image, for all that it includes elements of true ideals, is essentially a counterfeit, and as difficult for the person oneself or for the untrained observer to distinguish from the real thing as a counterfeit bank note from a valid one. The neurotic, as we have seen, may believe—in good faith—that one follows ideals, may castigate oneself for every apparent lapse, thus giving an impression of over conscientiousness in pursuit of one’s standards; or one may intoxicate oneself with thinking and talking about values and ideals. My assertion that one nevertheless does not take one’s ideals seriously means that they do not have obligating power for one’s life. One applies them when it is easy or useful for one to do so, while at other times one conveniently blots them out. We have seen instances of this in our discussion of blind spots and compartmentalizing—instances that would be inconceivable in the case of persons who took their ideals seriously. Nor if the ideals were genuine could they be thrown overboard as easily as they are—for instance in a person who, again in good faith, claims ardent devotion to a cause, but when exposed to temptation turns a traitor like the mutineers from Mutiny on the Bounty (1935). #RandolphHarris 14 of 22

Closely associated with governing ideas are images that occupy our minds. Images are always concrete or specific, as opposed to the abstractness of ideas, and are heavily laden with feeling. They frequently present themselves with the force of perception and have a powerful emotional and sensuous linkage to governing idea systems. They mediate the power of those idea systems into the real situations of ordinary life. Every idea system is present among us as a life force through a small number of powerful images. In recent American and European history, hair (long, short, skinhead; green, blue, yellow, orange, purple) undershirts (or the absence of burning thereof) flags (and their desecration) rock music, and hipster clothes have provided powerful images and symbols of conflicting idea systems and the attached ways of life. Images sustaining traditional cultural authority—“The Establishment” it was called—have, by contrast, lost power. In many Christian churches today the services have divided into “traditional” and “contemporary,” primarily over imagery and the explosive feelings attached thereto. The guitar and pipe organ are no longer just musical instruments, they are powerful symbols. This is not to say that such divisions are either unimportant or sinful. However, in order to act responsibly in relation to them, one does have to understand what drives such divisions. #RandolphHarris 15 of 22

Jesus Christ of course understood the great significance of images and has, indeed, become one Himself. Intentionally. He also carefully selected an image that brilliantly conveys Himself and His message; the cross. The cross presents the lostness of a person as well as the sacrifice of God and the abandonment to God that brings redemption. No doubt it is the all-time most powerful image and symbol of human history. Need we say he knew what he was doing in selecting it? He planned it all and is also the Master of images. For their own benefit, his followers need to keep the image of the cross vividly present in their mind. However, ideas and images are also a primary stronghold of evil in the human self and in society. They determine how we “take” the things and events of ordinary life. They control the meanings we assign to what we deal with, and they can even blind us to what lies plainly before us. Again, this is seen over and over in biblical and in Christian history, and in human life generally. Their power for evil cannot be overestimated and is constantly at play in most human governments and media organizations. Ideas and images are, accordingly, the primary focus of Satan’s effort to defeat God’s purposes with and for humankind. When we are subject to his chosen ideas and images, he can take nap or holiday. #RandolphHarris 16 of 22

Thus Satan undertook to draw Eve away from God, he did not hit her with a stick, but with an idea. It was with the idea that God could not be trusted and that she must act on her own to secure her own well-being. This is the basic idea back of all temptation: God is presented as depriving us by his commands of what is good, so we think we must take matters into our own hands and act contrary to wat he has said. This image of God leads to our pushing him our of our thoughts, as discussed in previous lectures, and putting ourselves on the throne of the Universe. The condition of the ruined soul and World naturally results. The single most important thing in our mind is our idea of God and the associated images. That our idea of God corresponds as nearly as possible to the true being of God is of immense importance to us. Compared with out actual thoughts about Him, our creedal statements are of little consequence. Our real idea of God may lie buried under the rubbish of conventional religious notions and may require an intelligent and vigorous search before it is finally unearthed and exposed for what it is. Only after an ordeal of painful self-probing are we likely to discover what we actually believe about God. A right conception of God is basic not only to systematic theology but to practical Christian living as well. #RandolphHarris 17 of 22

It is to worship what the foundation is to the temple; where it is inadequate or out of plumb the whole structure must sooner or later collapse. I believe there is scarcely an error in doctrine or a failure in applying Christian ethics that cannot be traced finally to imperfect and ignoble thoughts about God. The destruction of Assyria is a type of the destruction of the wicked at the Second Coming—few people will be left after the Lord comes again—the remnant of Jacob will return in that day—compare Isaiah 10. About 559-545 Before Christ. “Wo unto them that decree unrighteous degrees, and that write grievousness which they have prescribed; to turn away the needy from judgment, and to take away the right from the poor of my people, that widows may be their prey, and that they may rob the fatherless! And that will ye do in the day of visitation, and in the desolation which shall come from far? to whom will ye flee for help? and where will ye leave your glory? Without me they shall bow down under the prisoners, and they shall fall under the slain. For all this his anger is not turned away, but his hand is stretched out still. O Assyrian, the rod of mine anger, and the staff in their hand is their indignation. I will send him against a hypocritical nation, and against the people of my wrath will I give him a charge to take the spoil, and to take the prey, and to tread them down like mire of the streets. #RandolphHarris 18 of 22

“Howbeit he meaneth not so, neither doth his heart think so; but in his heart it is to destroy and cut off nations not a few. For he saith: Are not my princes altogether kings? Is not Calno as Carchemish? Is not Hamath as Arpad? Is not Samaria as Damascus? As my hand hath founded the kingdoms f the idols, and whose graven images did excel them of Jerusalem and of Samaria; shall I not, as I have done unto Samaria and her idols, so to do to Jerusalem and to her idols? Wherefore it shall come to pass that when the Lord hath performed his whole work upon Mount Zion and upon Jerusalem, I will punish the fruit of the stout heart of the king of Assyria, and the glory of his high looks. For he saith: By the strength of my hand and by my wisdom I have done these things; for I am prudent; and I have moved the borders of the people, and have robbed their treasures, and I have put down the inhabitants like a valiant man; and my hand hath found as a nest the riches of the people; and as one gathereth eggs that are left have I gathered all the Earth; and there was none that moved the wings, or opened the mouth, or peeped. Shall the ax boast itself against him that heweth therewith? Shall the saw magnify itself against him that shaketh it? As if the rod should shake itself against them that lift it up itself as if it were not wood! #RandolphHarris 19 of 22

“Therefore shall the Lord, the Lord of Hosts, send among his fat ones, leanness; and under his glory he shall kindle a burning like the burning of a fire. And the light of Israel shall be for a fire, and his Holy One for a flame, and shall burn and shall devour his thorns and his briers in one day; and shall consume the glory of his forest, and of his fruitful field, both soul and body; and they shall be as when a standard-bearer fainteth. And the rest of the trees of his forest shall be few, that a child may write them. And it shall come to pass in that day, that the remnant of Israel, and such as are escaped of the house of Jacob, shall no more again stay upon him that smote them, but shall stay upon the Lord, the Holy One of Israel, in truth. The remnant shall return, yea, even the remnant of Jacob, unto the mighty God. For though thy people Israel be as the sand of the sea, yet a remnant of them shall return; the consumption decreed shall overflow with righteousness. For the Lord God of Hosts shall make a consumption, even determined in all the land. Therefore, thus saith the Lord God of Hosts: O my people that dwellest in Zion, be not afraid of the Assyrian; he shall smite thee with a rod, and shall lift up his staff against thee, after the manner of Egypt. For yet a very little while, and the indignation shall cease, and mine anger in their destruction. #RandolphHarris 20 of 22

“And the Lord of Hosts shall stir up a scourge for him according to the slaughter of Midian at the rock of Oreb; and as his rod was upon the sea so shall he lift it up after the manner of Egypt. And it shall come to pass in that day that his burden shall be taken away from off thy shoulder, and his yoke from off thy neck, and the yoke shall be destroyed because of the anointing. He is come to Aiath, he is passed to Migron; at Michmash he hath laid up his carriages. They are gone over the passage; they have taken up their lodging at Geba; Ramath is afraid; Gibeah of Saul is fled. Lift up the voice, O daughter of Gallim; cause it to be heard unto Laish, O poor Anathoth. Madmenah is removed; the inhabitants of Gebim gather themselves to flee. As yet shall he remain at Nob that day; he shall shake his hand against the mount of the daughter of Zion, the hill of Jerusalem. Behold, the Lord, the Lord of Hosts shall lop the bough with terror; and the high ones of stature shall be hewn down; and the haughty shall be humbled. And he shall cut down the thickets of the forests with iron, and Lebanon shall fall by a might one,” reports 2 Nephi 20.1-34. Holy, Most High, Awful, Who dwellest in the holy place, make us holy, and bring us near to Thee, and cleanse us from all defilement, that we may perform the worship of our fathers in Thy fear; for Thou art He that blesses and hallow all things. #RandolphHarris 21 of 22

Thou Maker and Sustainer of All Things, day and night are tine, Heaven and Earth declare Thy glory; but I, a creature of Thy power and bounty, have sinned against Thee by resisting the dictates of conscience, the demands of Thy law, the calls of Thy gospel; yet I live under the dispensation of a given hope. Deliver me from Worldly dispositions, for I am born from above and bound for glory. May I view and long after holiness as the beauty and dignity of the soul. Let me never slumber, never lose my assurance, never fail to wear armour when passing through the enemy land. Fit me for every scene and circumstances; stay my mind upon Thee and turn my trials to blessings, that they may draw out my gratitude and praise as I see their design and effects. Render my obedience to Thy will holy, natural, and delightful. Rectify all my principles by clear, consistent, and influential views of divine truth. Let me never undervalue or neglect any part of Thy revealed will. May I duly regard the doctrine and practice of the gospel, prizing its commands as well as its promises. Sanctify me in every relation, office, transaction and condition of life, that if I prosper I may not be unduly exalted, if I suffer I may not be over-sorrowful. Please balance my mind in all varying circumstances and help me to cultivate a disposition that renders every duty a spiritual privilege. Thus may I be content, be a glory to Thee and an example to others. #RandolphHarris 22 of 22

The best part of a Cresleigh home is making it your own! This #MillsStation Residence 2 floor plan comes with an upstairs loft that’s perfect for a play area, study space, or even just a spot to relax. That couch does look pretty inviting.

Go on a virtual walkthrough of this plan on our website. Link in bio. https://cresleigh.com/mills-station/move-in-ready-home-site-61/

#CresleighRanch
#CresleighHomes