Randolph Harris II International

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Living on a Leash—The Cinderella Syndrome

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Time is the scarcest resource and unless it is managed, nothing else can be managed. What is the true picture of your life? Imagine that there is an hourglass on your desk. Connecting the bowl at the top with the bowl at the bottom is a tube so thin that only one grain of sand can pass through it at a time. That is the true picture of your life, even on a super-busy day. The crowded hours come to you always one moment at a time. That is the only way they can come. The day brings many tasks, problems, strains, but invariably they come in single life. You want to gain emotional poise? Remember the hour glass, the grains of sand dropping one at a time. The Image is all the accumulated organized knowledge that the organism has about itself and its World. It includes everything that the organism has learned—values as well as facts—organized by whatever concepts, images, or relations it has been able to master. Imagines can be organized into structures they call “plans.” A plan is any hierarchical process that can control the order in which a sequence of actions is to be performed. At its simplest a plan is just a kind of elaborate concept. It is an idea of the steps needed to get from one situation to another—from London to Liverpool, for instance. #RandolphHarris 1 of 19

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More elaborately, the steps in a plan might be: if hungry, you can get food by going to the kitchen, to the fridge, opening the door, getting out some cold Harris Ranch Beef, putting it on the grill, and so on. The nature of such a plan comes partly from experience (map) and partly from current information. A person may have a large repertory of plans, depending on where the starting-point is at which the situation arose, say, of being hungry. Equally, there may be a large variety of end-points, any of which would mean the satisfaction of the hunger. Hunger can be satisfied by eating. I can eat sandwiches or all other ways of satisfying hunger. I can buy sandwiches or all other ways of getting sandwiches. I can buy sandwiches at the corner shop or all other places to buy sandwiches. In each case, only one alternative plan, out of a huge number of possibilities at each level, is actually written out, to keep the example on the page; the reader has to use his or her imagination to fil in all the unstated alternatives. At each level in the sequence, information from the rest of the map or from the rest of the model can affect this process. A each level, alternative can be considered, and the alternative with the lest objections or the most advantages (minimizing displeasure or maximizing pleasure, whatever that may mean o a particular individual) can come to the force. #RandolphHarris 2 of 19

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For instance, the plan to alleviate hunger has steps that can take us to four different levels. From level 1 hunger can be satisfied by eating to level 2 I can eat sandwiches or all other ways of satisfying hunger could be changed by the knowledge that this would be the third lot of sandwiches of the say. A not very attractive images results and so that part of the plan could be dropped and another plan, “buy apples and pears,” substituted. Or there could be a change of plan at level 4 which states I can buy sandwiches at the corner shop or at other places to buy sandwiches, because yesterday the people at the corner shop has been rude to a customer, which has led to today’s decision to buy elsewhere. What can be said about the processes involved in the selection, evaluation, and correction of plans? There is a practical version called the “TOTE”—nothing to do with the racetrack, the word is an acronym for the sequences TEST-OPERATE-TEST-EXIT. A TOTE is a looped sequence, a feedback organization such that when an action (an operation) is undertaken, after which there is another test, and if things are still not right, there is another action, and so on, round and round in a loop. #RandolphHarris 3 of 19

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The interpretation toward which the argument moves is one that has been called “cybernetics hypothesis,” namely that fundamental building-block of the nervous system is the feedback loop. Action is initiated by an incongruity between the state of the organism and the state that it is being tested for, and the action persists until the incongruity is removed. In words, a message comes in that something is happening peripherally (input). This message is TESTED centrally and may feel congruous with the map of how things should be, and that is the end of that (exit). However, if the message does not feel congruous with the map of how things should be, something is done: an OPERATION, which when TESTED, is then congruous with how thing should be and that is the end of it (exit). It can be seen that there may be several turns round the loop. Something is happening which, when tested, feels incongruous with how things should be. So something is done which, when tested, is incongruous with how things should be. So something is done which, when tested, is incongruous with how things should be. So something is done which, when tested, is (at last) congruous with how things should be and that is the end of it—exit. #RandolphHarris 4 of 19

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However, for example, is a person passes into a class they are not qualified for, one who passes can also suffer the classic and central experience of exposure during face-to-face interaction, betrayed by the very weakness one is trying to hide, by the others present, or by impersonal circumstances. The situation of the stutterer is an example: “We who stutter speak only when we must. We hide our defect, often so successfully that our intimates are surprised when in an unguarded moment, a word suddenly runs away with out tongues and we blurt and blat and grimace and choke until finally the spasm is over and we open our eyes to view the wreckage.” The epileptic subject to grandma seizures provides a more extreme case; one may regain consciousness to find that one has been lying on a public street, incontinent, moaning, and jerking convulsively—a discrediting of sanity that is eased only slightly by one’s not being conscious during some of the episode. I might add that the lore of every stigmatized grouping seems to have its own battery of cautionary tales of embarrassing exposure, and that most member seem able to provide examples from their own experiences. Finally, one who passes can find oneself called to a showdown by persons who have now learned of one’s secret and are about to confront one with one’s having been false. #RandolphHarris 5 of 19

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This showdown possibility can even be formally instituted, as in mental healthy hearings and the follow: Doreen, a Mayfair girl, says that court appearances are “about the worst part of it [id est, being a woman of the evening]. You go in through that door and everyone’s waiting for you and looking at you. I keep my head down and never look on either side. Then they say those awful words ‘Being a common woman of the evening…” and you feel awful. All the time not knowing who is watching you at the back of the court. You can say ‘guilty’ and get out as soon as you can.” The presence of fellow-sufferers (or the wise) introduced a special set of contingencies in regard to passing, since they very techniques used to conceal stigmas may give the show away to someone who is familiar with the tricks of the trade, the assumption being that it takes one (or those close to him or her) to know one: “Why do you not try a chiropractor?” she [a casual acquaintance] asked me, chewing corned beef, giving no slightest indication that she was about to known the bottom out of my World. “Dr. Fletcher told me he is curing one of his patients of deafness.” My heart skittered, in panic, against my ribs. What did she mean? “My dad is deaf,” she revealed. “I can spot a deaf person anywhere. That soft voice of yours. And that trick of letting your sentences trail off—not finishing them. Dad does that all the time.” #RandolphHarris 6 of 19

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These contingencies help t explain the ambivalence previously mentioned that the individual may feel when confronted with one’s own kind. As Wright suggests: “A person who wishes to conceal one’s disability will notice disability-revealing mannerisms in another person. Moreover, one is likely to resent those mannerisms that advertise the fact of disability, for in wishing to conceal one’s disability one wishes others to conceal theirs. Thus it is that the person who is hard of hearing and who strives to hide this fact will be annoyed at the senior citizens who cups his or her hand behind her ear. Flaunting disability is a threat to one because it stirs up the guilt of having scorned one’s own group membership as well as the possibility of one’s own exposure. One may prefer surreptitiously to realize the other person’s secret and to maintain a gentlemen’s or gentlewomen’s agreement that both should play their “as if” roles to having the other person challenge one’ pretense by confiding one’s own. Control of identity information has a special bearing on relationships. Relationships can necessitate time spent together, and the more time the individual spends with another the more chance the other will acquire discrediting information about one. #RandolphHarris 7 of 19

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Further, as already suggested, every relationship obliges the related persons to change an appropriate among of intimate facts about self, as evidence of trust and mutual commitment. Close relationships that the individual had before one came to have something to conceal therefore become compromised, automatically deficient in shared information. Newly formed or “post-stigma” relationships are very likely to carry the discreditable person past the point where one feels it has been honourable of one to withhold the facts. And, in some cases, even very fleeting relationships can constitute a danger, since the small talk suitable between strangers who have struck up a conversation can touch on secret failings, as when the wide of an impotent husband must answer questions as to how many children she had and, having none, why so. The phenomenon of passing has always raised issues regarding the psychic state of the passer. First, it is assumed that one must necessarily pay a great psychological price, a very high level of anxiety, in living a life that can be collapsed at any moment. A statement by a wife of a mental patient will illustrate: “…and suppose after George gets out everything is going well and somebody throws it up in his face. That would ruin everything. I live in terror of that—a complete terror of that.” #RandolphHarris 8 of 19

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I think that close study of passers would show that this anxiety is not always found and that here our folk conceptions of human nature can be misleading. Secondly, it is often assumed, and with evidence, that the passer will feel torn between two attachments. One will feel some alienation from one’s new “group,” for one is unlikely to be able to identify fully with their attitude to what one knows one can be shown to be. And presumably one will suffer feelings of disloyalty and self-contempt when one cannot take action against “offensive” remarks made by members of the category one is passing into against the category one is passing out of—especially when one finds it dangerous to refrain from joining in this vilification. As discreditable persons suggest: “When jokes were made about ‘queers’ I had to laugh with the rest, and when talk was made about women I had to invent conquests of my own. I hated myself at such moments, but there seemed to be nothing else that I could do. My whole life became a lie. The tone of voice sometimes used [by friends] to refer to spinsters would shock me, as I felt I was cheating by in fact being in the state which married people looked at askance, while having the apparent status of a married women. I also felt somewhat dishonest with unmarried women friends who did not talk about these matters but eyed me with some curiosity and envy for having an experience which I did not in fact enjoy.” #RandolphHarris 9 of 19

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Another thing, it seems to be assumed, and apparently correctly, that one who passes will have to be alive to aspects of the social situation which others treat as uncalculated and unattended. What are unthinking routines for normal can become management problems for the discreditable. These problems cannot always be handled by past experience, since new contingencies always arise, making former concealing devices inadequate. The person with a secret failing, then, must be alive to the social situation as a scanner of possibilities, and is therefore likely to be alienated from the simpler World in which those around one apparently dwell. What is their ground is one’s figure. A young man who is near blind provides one example: “I managed to keep Mary from knowing my eyes were bad through two dozens sodas and three movies. I used every trick I had ever learned. I paid special attention to the color of her dress each morning, and then I would keep my eyes and ears and my sixth sense alter for anyone that might be Mary. I did not take any chances. If I was not sure, I would greet whoever it was with familiarity. They probably thought I was nuts, but I did not care. I always held her hand on the way to and from the movies at night, and she led me, without knowing it, so I did not have to feel for curbs and steps.” #RandolphHarris 10 of 19

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A young boy with a “stricture,” who cannot pass water when in the presence of others, wanting to keep his differentness a secret, finds himself having to plot and plan and be wary, where others are merely having to be boys: “When I went away to boarding school at the age of ten there were new difficulties, and new ways of dealing with them had to be found. Generally speaking, it was never a case of making water when one wanted to, but always a case of doing so when one could. I felt it necessary to keep my disability secret from the other boys, since the worst thing that can happen to a boy at his prep. School is to be in any way “different;” so I went when they did to the school latrines, though nothing happened there but the increase of my envy of my fellows’ freedom to behave naturally, and even challenge one other to see how high up the wall they could reach. (I should have liked to join in, but if anyone challenged me, I had always ‘just finished.’) I used various stratagems. One was to ask to be excused during class, when the latrines would be deserted. Another was to stay awake at night and sneak to the restroom when the dormitory’s others occupants were asleep, or at least when it was dark and I could not be seen.” #RandolphHarris 11 of 19

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Similarly, one learns of the constant wariness of stutterers: “We have many ingenious tricks for disguising or minimizing our blocks. We look ahead for “Jonah” sounds and words, so-called because they are unlucky and we envy the whale his ease in expelling them. We dodge “Jonah” words when we can, substituting non-feared words in their places or hastily shifting our thought until the continuity of our speech becomes as involved as a plate of spaghetti.” And about the wife of a mental patient: Concealment often becomes cumbersome. Thus, to keep the neighbours from knowing the husband’s hospital (having reported that he was in the hospital because of suspicion of cancer), Mrs. Newsom must rush to her apartment to get the mail before her neighbours pick it up for her as they used to do. She has had to abandon second breakfasts at the coffee shop with the women in the neighbouring apartments to avoid their questions. Before she can allow visitors in her apartment, she must pick up any material identifying the hospital, and so on. And from a homosexual: “The strain of deceiving my family and friends often became intolerable. It was necessary for me to watch every word I spoke, and every gesture that I made, in case I gave myself away.” #RandolphHarris 12 of 19

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A similar scanning may be illustrated among colostomy patients: “I never go to local movies. If I do go to the movie I select a large house like Radio City where I have greater choice of seats and can pick an end seat where I can rush to the bathroom is I have gas. When I go on a bus I pick my seat just in case. I sit on an end seat or near the door.” In all of this, special timing may be required. Thus, there is the practice of “living on a leash”—the Cinderella syndrome—whereby the discreditable person stays close to the place where one can refurbish one’s disguise, and where one can rest up from having to wear it; one moves from one’s repair station only that distance that one can return from without losing control over information about oneself: Since irrigation does constitute the primary defense against the occurrence of spillage, as well as representing a reparative activity of great emotional significance, patients with a colostomy frequently schedule travel and social contacts in relation to the time and effectiveness of irrigation. Travel is usually restricted to the distance which can be traversed in the interval between irrigations at home, and social contacts are limited to periods between irrigation which are believed to afford maximum protection against spillage or flatus. Patients can, therefore, be considered as living “on a leash” which is only as long as the time interval between irrigations. #RandolphHarris 13 of 19

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There is a final issue to be considered. As already suggested, a child with a stigma can pass in a special way. Parents, knowing of their child’s stigmatic condition, ay encapsulate one with domestic acceptance and ignorance of what one is going to have to become. When one ventures outdoors one does so therefore as an unwitting passer, at least to the extent that one’s stigma is not immediately apparent. At this point one’s parents are faced with a basic dilemma regarding information management, sometimes appealing to medical practitioners for strategies. If the child is informed about oneself at school age, it is felt one may not be strong enough psychologically to bear the news, and in addition may tactlessly disclose these facts about oneself to those who need not know. On the other hand, if one is kept too long in the dark, then one will not be prepared for what is about to happen to one and, moreover, may be informed about one’s condition by strangers who have no reason to take the time and care required to present the facts in a constructive, hopeful light. All you have to do is pause to rest. Nature herself, when we let her, will take care of everything else. It is our impatience that spoils things. #RandolphHarris 14 of 19

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Redemption comes through the Holy Messiah—freedom of choice (agency) is essential to existence and progression—Adam fell that humans might be—humans are free to choose liberty and eternal life. About 588-570 Before Christ. “And now, Jacob, I speak unto you: Thou art my firstborn in the days of my tribulation in the wilderness. And behold, in thy childhood thou hast suffered afflictions and much sorrow, because of the rudeness of thy brethren. Nevertheless, Jacob, my firstborn in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain. Wherefore, thy soul shall be blessed, and thou shalt dwell safely with thy brother. Nephi; and thy days shall be spent in the service of thy God. Wherefore, I know that thou art redeemed, because of the righteousness of thy redeemer; for thou hast beheld that in the fulness of time he cometh to bring salvation unto men. And thou hast beheld in thy youth his glory; wherefore, thou art blessed even as they unto whom he shall minister in the flesh; for the Spirit is the same, yesterday, today, and forever. And the way is prepared from the fall of human, and salvation is free. And humans are instructed sufficiently that they know good from evil. And the law is given unto humans. And by the law no flesh is justified; or, by the law human are cut off. #RandolphHarris 15 of 19

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“Yea, by the temporal law they were cut off; and also, by the spiritual law they perish from that which is good, and become miserable forever. Wherefore, redemption cometh in and through the Holy Messiah; for he is full of grace and truth. Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of he law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered. Wherefore, how great the importance to make these things known unto the inhabitants of the Earth, that they may know that there is no flesh that can dwell in the presence of God, save it be though the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah, who layeth down his life according to the flesh, and taketh it again by the power of the Spirit, that he may bring to pass the resurrection of the dead, being the first that should rise. Wherefore, he is the firstfruits unto God, inasmuch as he shall make intercession for all the children of humans; and they that believe in him shall be saved. And because of the intercession for all, all people come unto God; wherefore, they stand in the presence of Him, to be judged of Him according to the truth and holiness which is in Him. #RandolphHarris 16 of 19

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“Wherefore, the ends of the law which the Holy One hath given, unto the inflicting of the punishment which is affixed, which punishment that is affixed is in opposition to that of the happiness which is affixed, to answer the ends of the atonement—for it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain dead, having no life neither sense nor insensibility. Wherefore, it must needs have been created for a thing of naught; wherefore there would have been no purpose in the end of its creation. Wherefore, this thing must needs destroy the wisdom of God and his eternal purposes, and also the power, and the mercy, and the justice of God. And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. #RandolphHarris 17 of 19

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“And if there is no God we are not, neither the Earth; for there is no God. And if there is no God are not, neither the Earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither the Earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither the Earth; for there could have been no creation of things; neither to act nor t be acted upon; wherefore, all things must be vanished away,” reports 2 Nephi 2.10-13. When you do something, keep track of how you feel before, during, and after. Thou art the blessed God, happy in thyself, sources of happiness in Thy creatures, my Maker, Benefactor, Proprietor, Upholder. Thou hast produced and sustained me, supported and indulged me, saved and kept me; Thou art in every situation able to meet my needs and miseries. May I live by Thee, live for Thee, never be satisfied with my Christian progress but as I resemble Christ; and may conformity to his principles, temper, and conduct grow hourly in my life. Let Thy unexampled love constrain me into holy obedience, and render my duty my delight. If others deem my faith folly, my meekness infirmity, my zeal madness, my hope delusion, my actions hypocrisy, my I rejoice to suffer for Thy name. #RandolphHarris 18 of 19

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Please keep me walking steadfastly towards the country of everlasting delights, that paradise-land which is my true inheritance. Support me by the strength of Heaven that I may never turn back, or desire false pleasures that wilt and disappear into nothing. As I pursue my Heavenly journey by Thy grace let me be known as a being with no aim but that of being a burning desire for Thee, and the good and salvation of my fellow humans. Look, O Lord upon Thy servants, who are suffering from their bodily infirmaries, and please refresh the soul which Thou hast created; that being bettered by Thy chastisement, it may straightway feel itself saved by Thy healing; through Jesus Christ our Lord. O God, with Whom it is an easy thing to give life to the dead; please restore the sick to their former health, and let none that implore the healing of Thy Heavenly mercy be in want of the remedies of Earthly medicine; through Jesus Christ our Lord. O Christ our Lord, Who are the Physician of salvation, grant unto the sick and the assistance of Heavenly healing. Look upon all faithful people who are sick, and who love to call upon Thy Name, and take their souls into Thy keeping, and vouchsafe to deliver them from all sickness and infirmity. #RandolphHarris 19 of 19

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