The Legacy was established very early on. You make me dream in colour. You breathe me back to life again. I feel the secrets on your skin. I need your heart to let me. All my life when I close my eyes, it has always been in black and white, but tonight you make me dream in colour. You wanted to keep the family name, whether you married or not. When they were pure, before they knew about humankind or had any mixture with it, they were telepathic, curious by nature and hardwired with a tremendous amount of basic historical and intellectual knowledge. These Angels are born knowing about the species itself. However, their naivete, simplicity and lack of aggression are their vulnerabilities. They are also extremely sensitive to rhythm and music. You can almost paralyze an Angel when you utter a long rhyme or sing a rhythmic song. That is why they love music by The Weekend, Aaliyah, are frequently rumored to be seen dancing at ASOT P2 (A State of Trance), so say Armin Van Buuren especially made ASOT 900 P2 in three parts to attract and uplift and angelic energy on Earth. In the achieving of consciousness of one’s self, most people must start back at the beginning and rediscover their feelings. It is surprising how many people have only a general acquaintance with that they feel—they tell you they feel “fine” or “lousy,” as vaguely as through they were saying “Great Britain is in the story.” #RandolphHarris 1 of 20

Their connection with their feelings is as remote as if over a long-distance telephone. They do not feel directly but only give ideas about their feelings; they are not affected by their affects; their emotions give them no motion. Like Eliot’s “Hollow Men,” they experience themselves as “Shape without form, shade without colour, paralyzed force, gesture without motion.” In psychotherapy when such persons are unable to experience their feelings, they often have to learn to feel by answering the question day after day, “Just how do I feel right now?” What is most important is not how much one feels, and we certainly do not mean that it is necessary to effervesce; that is sentimentality rather than sentiment, affectation and not affect. Rather what is important is the experience that is “I,” the active one, who is doing the feeling. This carries with it a directness and immediacy of feeling; one experiences the affect on all levels of one’s self. One feels with a heightened aliveness. Then instead of one’s feeling being limited like notes in a bugle call, the mature person becomes able to differentiate feelings into as many nuances, strong and passionate experiences, or delicate and sensitive ones, as in the different passages of music in a symphony produced by Armin van Burren in ASOT 900 P2. This also means that we need to recover our awareness of our bodies. An infant gets part of one’s early sense of personal identity through awareness of one’s body. #RandolphHarris 2 of 20

 The body as experienced by the infant is the first core of the self. The baby reaches one’s leg time and again, and sooner or later there is the experience, “Here is the leg; I can feel it and it belongs to me.” Children understand that toilet experiences are naughty, and they are often connected with feelings of pleasures of the flesh. Since children are taught toilet functions and pleasures of the flesh are naughty and taboo, this would clearly imply that is the child fudges one’s pants or has a dishonorable discharge or experience pleasures of that flesh that this would imply, “Your image of yourself is dirty.” However, this undoubtedly is one important part of the origin of the tendency to despise the self in our society if we engage in these forbidden behaviors in public, where others can see us, or when we are not supposed to. This is why we have invented indoor plumbing and bathrooms and religious school teaches, “The Lord delights in Chasity,” reports Jacob 2.38. Still, the ability to be aware of one’s body has a great importance all through life. It is a curious fact that most adults have so lost physical awareness that they are unable to tell how their legs feels if you should ask them, or their ankle, or their middle finger or any other part of the body. In our society the awareness of the different part of the body is generally limited to some borderline schizophrenics and other sophisticated people who have come under the influence of yoga or other Eastern exercises. Most people act on the principle, “Let hands or feet feel as they may, I must get off to work.” #RandolphHarris 3 of 20

 As a result of several centuries of suppressing the body into an inanimate machine, subordinated to the purposes of modern industrialism, people are proud of paying no attention to the body. People have become so accustomed to treating the body as an object for manipulation, as though it were a BMW M5 and they can drive it until it runs out of gas and without preforming the recommended and require maintenance without expecting some calamitous and potentially fatal consequences. And the only concern they give it is a thought each week as perfunctory as a phone call to a relative to ask how he or she is, but with really no intention of taking the answer seriously. Nature then comes along, if we may speak metaphorically, and knocks the person down with colds or the swine influenza or more severe illnesses, as thought she were saying, “When will you learn to listen to your body?” The impersonal, separated attitude toward the body is shown also in the way most people, once they become physically ill, react to the sickness. They speak in the passive voice—“I got sick,” picturing their body as an object just as they would say, “I got hit by a red Toyota Celica GT.” Then they shrug their shoulders and regard their responsibility fulfilled if they go to bed and place themselves completely in the hands of the doctor and the new medical drugs. #RandolphHarris 4 of 20

Thus they use scientific progress as a rationalization for passivity: they know how germs or virus or allergies attack the body, and they also know how penicillin or sulfa or lialda cures them. The attitude toward disease is not that of the self-aware person who experiences one’s body as part of oneself, but of the compartmentalized person who might express one’s passive attitude in a sentence like, “The pneumococcus made me sick, but the penicillin made me well again.” Also, people may not take their health serious, even if they are born with special needs. For instance, in families dominated by women or uneducated men, may not understand why a boy with a spinal injury is treated fragilely and expected to get an education. People with spinal injuries are not as strong as others and cannot do manual laboring. Even doing too much ironing can cause unbearable that could leave them disfigured. However, because people do not take their conditions seriously, they often push themselves harder than they should, as we all believe doctors and nurses can fix anything. Yet, our medical technology is not as advanced as people think it is, in some cases. Also, your doctor may not want to perform certain procedures or treatments because they may not be sure that your body can handle it. #RandolphHarris 5 of 20

 So we should not surrender our sovereignty over one’s body. When one does surrender autonomy one opens oneself to psychosomatic ills of all sorts. Many disturbances of bodily function, beginning in such simple things as incorrect walking or faulty posture or breathing, are due to the fact that people have all their lives walked, to take only one simple illustration, as though they were machines, and have never experienced any of the feelings in their feet or legs or rest of the body. The correcting of the malfunction of one’s legs, for example, often requires that one learn again to feel what is happening when one walks. In the overcoming psychosomatic ills or chronic diseases like tuberculosis, it is essential to learn to listen to the body in dedicating when to work and when to rest. It is amazing how many hints and guides and intuitions for living come to the sensitive person who has ears to hear what one’s body is saying. To tuned to the responses throughout one’s body, as well as to be tuned to one’s feelings in emotional relations with the World and people around him, is to be on the way to a health which will not break down periodically. Furthermore, your medical conditions are something you may want to keep private and not even share with close family members because they may not be able to keep secrets and you never know who they are talking to and people could use that information to exploit, extort you and violate your privacy even further. #RandolphHarris 6 of 20

Not only do people separate the body from the self in using it as an instrument for work, but they likewise separate it from the self in their pursuit of pleasure. The body is treated as a vehicle of sensation, from which one can get certain pleasures and cleansing sensations if skillfully handled, just as though one were tuning a television set. We are proposing welcoming the body back into the union with the self. This means as already suggested recovering an active awareness of one’s body. It means experiencing one’s body—the pleasure of eating or resting or the exhilaration of using toned-up muscles or the gratification of honoring who we are—as aspects of the acting self. It is not the attitude of “My body feels” but “I feel.” We propose, furthermore, placing the self in the center of the picture of bodily health: it is “I” who grow sick or achieve health. We propose the active rather than passive voice in illness; the antiquated expression “I sicken” is accurate. Fortunately in at least one infirmary the active verb is still used for the process of getting well—tuberculosis patients say “I cured” at such-and-such a sanatorium. We propose that illnesses, whether physical or psychological, be taken not as periodic accidents which occur to the body (or to the “personality” or “mind”), but as nature’s means of re-educating the whole person. “Be determined in one mind and in one heart, united in all things, that ye may not come down into captivity; that ye may not be cursed with a sore cursing; and also, that ye may not incur the displeasure of a just God upon you, unto the destruction, yea, the eternal destruction of both soul and body,” reports 2 Nephi 1.22. #RandolphHarris 7 of 20

Using infirmary and disability and special needs as a re-education is illustrated in a letter a patient with tuberculosis wrote to a friend: “The disease occurred not simply because I overworked, or ran athwart some T.B. bugs, but because I was trying to be something I was not. I was living as the great extrovert, running here and there, doing three jobs at once, and leaving undeveloped and unused the side of me which would contemplate, would read and think and invite my soul rather than rushing and working at full speed. The disease comes as a demand and an opportunity to rediscover the lost functions of myself. It is as though the disease were nature’s way of saying, ‘You mist become your whole self. To the extent that you do not, you will be ill; and you will become well only to the extent that you do become yourself.’” Some people never let themselves heal because they are afraid that they could be forced to work at anymore and are always preparing for that and as a result never recover and end up getting worse or dying. We may add that it is an actual clinical fact that some person, viewing their illnesses as an opportunity for re-education, become more healthy both psychologically and physically, more fulfilled as persons, after a serious illness than before. #RandolphHarris 8 of 20

This way of experiencing illness and health will help us overcome the dichotomy between body and mind which has so bedeviled modern mortals. A serious injury or a long term illness is not like a communicable disease where 90 percent of the time you can take 500 milligrams of Ciprofloxacin, twice daily, and not drink any alcohol for fourteen days and be fully recovered. Neural birth defects, spinal fractures, and inflammatory conditions, illnesses people catch from serving their country or working in coals mines can be lifelong complications, and in many cases lead to premature death. And it can be torture for a person suffering from these conditions. They take medication daily, but their bodies take months, years, or longer to get back to a state of harmony and it can be frustrating because people expect them to be strong and sturdy and they are judged on how good they look externally, not how they feel inside. And I am not judging anyone, any illness, even if it can be cured in two weeks may seem like the end of the World to some people. It is devastating when you do not know what is going on with your body or are exposed to agents you did not expect to be affected by. When one looks at the different illnesses from the perspective of the self, one sees that physical, psychological and spiritual (using the last term to refer to despair and the sense of meaninglessness in life) diseases are all aspects of the same difficulty of the self in finding itself in its World. It is well known, for example, that the different kinds of illness may serve interchangeable purposes for the individual. #RandolphHarris 9 of 20

Physical illness may relieve psychological troubles by giving some focus for floating anxiety—the person then has something concrete to worry about, and that is a lot less painful tan vague floating anxiety; or by giving needed respite from responsibility to those who have not learned to assume responsibility maturely. And many a person, through a bout of influenza or more serious disease, has relieved one’s guilt feelings, however unconstructive such a method may be. Thus so long as scientific progress takes away diphtheria, tuberculosis and other diseases—a consummation devoutly to be wished—without helping people to get over their anxiety, guilt, emptiness and purposelessness, sickness is only forced into a new channel. That may sound like a rash statement, but in principle I believe it is true. The struggle against disease in the compartmentalized way is like Hercules’ battle against the seven-headed Hydra—every time he cut off one head, another grew in its place. The battle for health must be won on the deeper level of the integration of the self. Certainly it is no depreciation of the great value of the new medical discoveries to emphasize that we shall makes lasting progress in health only to the extent that we go beyond finding means of killing germs and bacilli and external organisms which invade the body, and discover means of helping ourselves and other people so to affirm their own beings that they will not need to be sick. #RandolphHarris 10 of 20

Noting but a wish can set the mental apparatus in motion. The wish is assumed to be for force in other, more or less deterministic, psychological systems as well. Wish is present as the desire and need to reduce tension, an emphasis surprisingly akin to Dr. Freud’s definition of pleasure as the reduction of tension. In general, our sciences of mortals assume the usual adaptational and evolutionary wishes, that people wish to survive and live long and pain free. The word wish, let us hasten to say in view of the fact that in our post-Victorian day we still tend to impoverish the term by making it a concession to our immaturity or infantile needs, may been seen in process much more extensive than the residue of childhood. The correlates of wish can be found in all phenomena of nature down to the most minute pattern of atomic reaction; for example, in what Alfred North Whitehead and Paul Tillich call the negative-positive movements in all particles of nature. Tropism is one form, in its etymological sense of the innate tendency in biological organisms to turn toward. If, however, we stop with wish as this more or less blind and involuntary movement of particle toward another or of one organism toward another, we are inexorably pushed to Dr. Freud’s pessimistic conclusion of the death instinct taken literally, namely, the inevitable tendency of organisms to move back to the inorganic state. If wish is only a force, we are all involved in an abortive pilgrimage which consists of simply moving back to the state of the inorganic stone again. #RandolphHarris 11 of 20

However, wish also has the element of meaning. Indeed, it is the particular confluence of force and meaning which constitutes the human wish. This meaning element is certainly present in Dr. Freud’s concept of wish and is one of his central contributions, even though he speaks, contradictorily, as though wish were only blind force. He was able to use the wish with such fecundity—particularly in fantasies, free associations, and dreams—because he saw in it not simply a blind push but a tendency which carried meanings. Despite the fact that when he writes about wish fulfillment and satisfaction of libidinal needs, and talks as if the wish were only an economic quantity, a force by itself the context he assumed is the point of the meeting of meaning with force. In the first few weeks of life, for example, the infant may be thought of as indiscriminately and blindly pushing its mouth to a warm bottle of delicious milk or formula, or a pacifier. However, with the emergence and development of consciousness and the capacity to experience one’s self as subject in a World of objects, new capacities arise. Chief among these is the use of symbols and the relating to life by way of symbolic meanings. From then on, the wish is more than merely a blind push; it carries a meaning as well. The bottle becomes the source of the natural food supply attached to the mother—and how different the words are! The former is an anatomical description of the part of the body that gives us our rations for survival. The latter is a symbol which brings in total experience—the warmth, the intimacy, even the beauty and possible love which goes with feminine care. #RandolphHarris 12 of 20

I am aware of the difficulties this dimension of symbolic meaning introduces for a natural science of mortals. Nevertheless, we must take mortals, our object of study, as we find one—a creature who relates to one’s life by way of symbolic meanings which are one’s language. It is this methodologically unsound and empirically inaccurate to reduce the wish to mere force. After the emergence of consciousness in mortals, wishes are never merely needs, nor merely economic. I am captivated by the beauty of one woman, not by another; it is never just a matter of sheer, stored-up quantities of libido, but rather my energetic field of chemistry force channeled and formed by the diverse meanings the first woman has for me. We should qualify our never in the previous sentence with two exceptions. One is artificial situations, like soldiers stationed in the arctic for twelve months, in which certain aspects of experience are simply and consciously bracketed. Another exception is in pathology, when a person is driven by indiscriminate pleasures of the flesh toward any male or female, like our friend Victorian Grayson. However, here we have a state of my point that indiscriminate pleasures of the flesh goes against a significant element in the wish. #RandolphHarris 13 of 20

I do not know what Louis XVI was bracketing when he said, “Any woman will do, just give her a bath and send her to a dentist.” However, I do not know when people are not kings and not radically disturbed have pleasures of the flesh with someone fairly frivolously, let us say, in a chance meeting or in carnival, they find themselves afterwards investing the other person, possibly only in fantasy, with tenderness or virtue or special attribute that have some meaning for them. Disgust is also an expression of a humanly meaningful wish or, more specifically, a frustration of it. In instances of almost purely anonymous pleasures of the flesh, as it occurs for example in come clandestine relationships, the later reaction in which the person feels disgust also demonstrates the point we are making. My experience as a therapist suggests that the human being has to make the creature with whom one experience pleasures of the flesh with in some way personal, even if only in fantasy, or else suffer depersonalization oneself. This carries the corollary that discussions and approaches in therapy based on such concepts as control of id impulses and integration of primary purpose all miss the point. Is there ever a such things as a primary process as such? Only in very sever pathology or in our own abstracted theory. The former is the situation in which meaningful symbolic process break down, as in our patients; the latter is when our own symbolism is used as therapists. #RandolphHarris 14 of 20

 What we have is not an organism constituted by primary processes and the control of them, but human beings whose experience involves wishes, drives, and needs experienced and known by him, and by us if we can understand him, in symbolic meanings. It is the symbolic meanings that have gone awry in neurosis, and not the id impulse. The human wish, we are saying, is not merely a push from the past, not merely a call from primitive needs demanding satisfaction. It also has in it some selectivity. It is a forming of the future, a molding by a symbolic process which includes both memory and fantasy, of what we hope the future will be. The wish is the beginning of orienting ourselves to the future, an admission that we want the future to be such and such; it is a capacity to reach down deep into ourselves and preoccupy ourselves with a longing to change the future. Note that I say beginning, not the end; I am perfectly aware of wish fulfillment, wishes as a substitute for will, and so on. I am saying that there is no will without a prior wish. The wish, like all symbolic processes, has a progressive element, a reaching ahead, as well as a regressive pole, a propulsion from behind. The wish thus carries its meaning as well as its force. Its motive power lies in the conjunction of this meaning and force. We can now understand why William Lynch should hold that “to wish is the most human act.” #RandolphHarris 15 of 20

Loving also has two meanings, depending upon whether it is spoken of in the mode of having or in the mode of being. Can one have love? If we could, love would need to be a thing, a substance that one can have, own, possess. The truth is, there is no such thing as love. Love is abstraction perhaps a goddess or an alien being, although nobody has ever seen this goddess. In reality, there exists only the act of loving. To love is a productive activity. It implies caring for, knowing, responding, affirming, enjoying: the person, the tree, the painting, the bird, the tomato, the architecture, the landscape design, the idea, the hair, the lips, the eyes, the nose, the BMW X5. It means bringing to life, increasing his/her/its aliveness. It is a process, self-renewing and self-increasing. When love is experienced in the mode of having it implies confining, imprisoning, or controlling the object one loves. It is strangling, deadening, suffocating, killing, not life-giving. What people call love is mostly misuse of the word, in order to hide the reality of their not living. How many parents love their children is still an entirely open question. Lloyd de Mause has brought out that for the past two millennia of Western history, even in cities like Sacramento, California USA, there have been reports of cruelty against children, ranging from physical to psychic torture, carelessness, sheer possessiveness, and sadism, so shocking that one must believe that loving parents are the exception rather than the rule. We have been given a glimpse into this reality when we hear what some adults had survived in their childhood. #RandolphHarris 16 of 20

Like the story of Victorian Grayson, who at the tender age of fifteen was slapped by her mother and tossed out of the house like a rag doll because the mother assumed it was more probable her developing daughter was trying to seduce her man, than her man tried to force himself on to her daughter. We also have to remember that not all people have children out of love. Some have children out of necessity, to secure an economic future for themselves. Some have children out of obligation. Very few people actually fall in love and plan to have children because they desire a family at that time. Usually, family planning is most done by people who have problems conceiving. Most kids are a random gift from God. Some people also have to have more kids than they desired because their first marriage did not work out, or because the father or mother wants a certain gender, sometimes to pass on the family name or for more dubious reasons. The same may be said of marriages. Whether their marriage is based on love or, like traditional marriages of the past, on social convenience and custom, the couple who truly love each other seem to be the exception. What is social convenience, custom, mutual economic interest, shared interest in children, mutual dependency, or mutual hate of fear is consciously experienced as love—up to the moment when one or both partners recognize that they do not love each other, and that they never did. #RandolphHarris 17 of 20

Today one can note some progress in this respect: people have become more realistic and sober, and many no longer feel that being attracted to someone by pleasures of the flesh means to love, or that a friendly, though distant, team relationship is a manifestation of loving. This new outlook has made for greater honesty—as well as more frequent change of partners. It has not necessarily led to a greater frequency of loving, and the new partners may love to the illusion of having love can be often be observed in concrete detail in this history of couple who have falling in love. The word “falling” in the phrase “falling in love” is a contradiction in itself. Since loving is a productive activity, one can only stand in love or walk in love; one cannot “fall” in live, for falling denotes passivity. During courtship neither person is yet sure of the other, but each tries to win the other. Both are alive, attractive, interesting, even beautiful—inasmuch as aliveness always makes a face beautiful. Neither yet has the other; hence each one’s energy is directed to being, for instance, to giving to and stimulating the other. With the act of marriage the situation frequently changes fundamentally. The marriage contract gives each partner the exclusive possession of the other’s feelings, monogamy, and care. #RandolphHarris 18 of 20

Nobody has to be won over any more, because love has become something one has, a property. The two cease to make the effort to be lovable and to produce love, hence they become boring, and hence their beauty disappears. They are disappointed and puzzled. Are they not the same persons any more? Did they make a mistake in the first place? Each usually seeks the cause of the change in the other and feels defrauded. What they do not see is that they no longer are the same people they were when they were in love with each other; that the error that one can have love has led them to cease loving. Now, instead of loving each other, they settle for owning together what they have: money, social standing, home, children, a BMW 760Li. Thus, in some cases, the marriage initiated on the basis of love become transformed into a friendly ownership, a corporation in which the two egotisms are pooled into one: that of “family.” When a couple cannot get over the yearning for the renewal of the precious feeling of loving, one or the other of the pair may have the illusion that a new partner (or partners) will satisfy their longing. They feel that all they want to have is love. However, love to them is not an expression of their being; it is a goddess to whom they want to submit. They necessarily fail with their love because love is a child of liberty (as an old French song says), and the worshiper of the goddess of love eventually becomes so passive as to be boring and loses whatever is left of his or her former attractiveness. #RandolphHarris 19 of 20

This description is not intended to imply that marriage cannot be the best solution for two people who live each other. The difficulty does not lie in marriage, but in the possessive, existential structure of both partners and, in the last analysis, of their society. The advocates of such modern-day forms of living together as group marriage, changing partners, non-monogamous relationships, and so forth, try, as far as I can see, only to avoid the problem of their difficulties in loving by curing boredom with ever new stimuli and by wanting to have more lovers, rather than to be able to love one. “The city feels clean this time of night, just empty streets, and me walking home to clear my head. I know it came as no surprise. I am affected more than I had guessed on what was said. If the smile is not meant to be, if the heart is not ready to open. If we make it, I will not see it is broke. If the smile is not meant to be, if the heart is not ready to open, if we make it I will not see how it is broke. It is the quiet before the dawn and I am half past making sense of it, was I wrong? Should I claim to give it all? In a World where not much ever seems to last long, if the smile is not meant to be, if the heart is not ready to open, if we make it I will not see it is broken,” reports Empty Streets by Late Night Alumni. This is the time to move forward in faith. Get up every morning knowing you are anointed. You are equipped. You are empowered. You have everything you need to fulfill your destiny. #RandolphHarris 20 of 20