This attitude was not too different from the attitudes of people today—in this very time—in which the entire World is dependent on energy technologies which the vast majority do not understand. To be faced by a troubled, conflicted persons who is seeking and expecting help, has always constituted a great challenge to me. Do I have the knowledge, the resources, the psychological strength, the skill—do I have whatever it takes to be of help to such an individual? If I can provide a certain type of relationship, the other person will discover within oneself the capacity to use that relationship for growth, and change and personal development will occur. As it stands, many people are mostly childlike or eccentric in the wearisome way of abnormal or psychopathic people of low intelligence. Most of them also tend to be egotistical or self-pitying. A history will, for instance, frequently show temper tantrums up to the age of five or eight, disappearing then to give place to a general docility. However, aggressive trends are also reinforced and fed by later experience, since hostility is continually generated from many sources. It would lead us too far afield to go into all of these at this point; suffice it to say here that self-effacement and goodness invite being stepped on and being taken advantage of. #RandolphHarris 1 of 21

Further, that dependence upon others makes for exceptional vulnerability, which in turn leads to a feeling of being neglected, rejected, and humiliated whenever the excessive amount of affection or approval demanded is not forthcoming. When I say that all these feelings, drives, attitudes are repressed I used the term in Dr. Freud’s sense, meaning that the individual is not only unaware of them but has so implacable an interest in never becoming aware of them that one keeps anxious watch lest any traces be disclosed to oneself or others. Every repression this confronts us with the question: What interest has the individual in repressing certain forces operating within one? In the case of the complaint type we can find several answers. Most of them we can understand only later when we come to discuss the idealized image and sadistic trends. What we can already understand at this point is that feelings or expressions of hostility would endanger the person’s need to like others and to be liked by them. In addition, any kind of aggressive or even self-assertive behavior would appear to one as selfish. One would condemn it oneself and hence would feel that others condemned it, too. And one cannot afford to risk such condemnation because one’s self-esteem is all too dependent upon their approval. #RandolphHarris 2 of 21

The repression of all assertive, vindictive, ambitious feelings and impulses has still another function. It is one of the many attempts a neurotic makes to do away with one’s conflicts and to create instead a feeling of unity, of oneness, of wholeness. The longing for unity within ourselves is no mystical desire but is promoted by the practical necessity of having to function in life—and impossibility when one is continually driven in opposite directions—and by what in consequence amounts to a supreme terror of being split apart. Giving predominance to one trend by submerging all discrepant elements is an unconscious attempt to organize the personality. It constitutes one of the major attempts to solve neurotic conflicts. So we have already discovered a twofold interest in keeping a strict check on all aggressive impulses: the person’s whole way of life would be endangered and one’s artificial unity exploded. And the more destructive the aggressive trends, the more stringent the necessity to exclude them. The individual will learn over backward never to appear to want anything for oneself, never to refuse a request, always to like everyone, always to keep in the background, and so on. In other words, the compliant, appeasing trends are reinforced; they become more compulsive and less discriminate. #RandolphHarris 3 of 21

Naturally, all these unconscious efforts do not keep the repressed impulses from operating or asserting themselves. However, they do so in ways that fit into the structure. The person will make demands because one is so miserable or will secretly dominate under the guise of loving. Accumulated repressed hostility may also appear in explosions of greater or less vehemence, ranging from occasional irritability to temper tantrums. These outbursts, while they do not fit into the picture of gentleness and mildness, appear to the individual oneself as entirely justified. And according to one’s premises one is quite right. Not knowing that one’s demands upon others are excessive and egocentric one cannot help feeling at times that one is so unfairly treated that one simply cannot stand it any longer. Finally, if the repressed hostility takes on the force of a blind fury, it may give rise to all kinds of functional disorders, like headaches or stomach ailments. Most of the characteristics of the complaint type thus has a double motivation. When one subordinates oneself, for instance, it is in the interest of avoiding friction and thereby achieving harmony with others; but it may also be a means of eradicating all traces of one’s need to excel. When one lets others take advantage of one it is an expression of compliance and goodness, but it may also be a turning away from one’s own wish to exploit. #RandolphHarris 4 of 21

For neurotic compliance to be overcome, both sides of the conflict must be worked through, and in the proper order. From conservative psychoanalytic publications we sometimes get the impression that the liberation of aggression is the essence of psychoanalytic therapy. Such an approach shows little understanding of the complexities and particularly of the variations in neurotic structures. Only for the particular type under discussion does it have any validity, and even here the validity is limited. The uncovering of aggressive drives is liberating, it can easily be detrimental to the person’s development if the liberation is regarded as an end in itself. If the personality is ultimately to be integrated, it must be followed by a working through of the conflicts. We need still to turn our attention to the role that love and pleasures of the flesh for the complaint type. Love often appears to one as the only goal worth striving for, worth living for. Life without love appears flat, futile, empty. Love becomes a phantom that is chased to the exclusion of everything else. People, nature, work, or any kind of amusement or interest become utterly meaningless unless there is some love relationship to lend them flavor and zest. The fact that under the conditions of our civilization this obsession is more frequent and more apparent in women than in men has given rise to the notion that it is a specifically feminine longing. #RandolphHarris 5 of 21

Actually, it has nothing to do with femininity or masculinity but is a neurotic phenomenon in that it is an irrational compulsive drive. If we understand the structure of the complaint type we can see why love is so all important to one, why there is a method to one’s madness. In view of one’s contradictory compulsive tendencies, it is in fact the only way in which all one’s neurotic needs can be fulfilled. It promises to satisfy the need to be liked as well as to dominate (through love), the need to take second place as well as to excel (through the partner’s undivided regard). It permits one to live out all one’s aggressive drives on a justified, innocent, or even praiseworthy basis, while allowing one at the same time to express all the endearing qualities one has acquired. Furthermore, since one is unaware that one’s lack and limitations are one’s suffering issue from the conflicts within oneself, love beckons as the sure cure for them all: if only one can find a person who loves one, everything will be all right. It is easy enough to say that this hope is fallacious, but we must also understand the logic of one’s more or less unconscious reasoning. One thinks: “I am weak and helpless; as long as I am alone in this hostile World, my helplessness is a danger and a threat. But if I find someone who loves me above all others, I shall no longer be in danger for he (she) will protect me. #RandolphHarris 6 of 21

“With him I should not need to assert myself, for he would understand and give me what I want without my having to ask or explain. In fact, my weakness would be an asset, because he would love my helplessness and I could lean on his strength. The initiative which I simply can’t muster for myself would flourish if it meant doing things for him, or even doing things for myself because he wanted it.” One thinks—again reconstructing in terms of formulated reasoning what is partly thought out, partly only a feeling, and partly quite unconsciously: “It is torture for me to be alone. It’s not only that I can’t enjoy anything I do not share. It’s more than that; I feel lost, I feel anxious. Surely I could go to see Queen of the Damned alone, read a book, or watch The Morning Show starring Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston on a Saturday night, but that would be humiliating because it would point out to me that nobody wants me. So I must plan carefully never to be alone on a Saturday evening—or at any other time, for that matter. But if I found the great lover, he would free me from this torture; I would never be alone; everything that is now meaningless, whether it’s preparing breakfast or working or seeing a sunset, would be a joy.” #RandolphHarris 7 of 21

And he thinks: “I have no self-confidence. I always feel everybody else is more competent, more attractive, more gifted than I am. Even the things I’ve managed to accomplish don’t count, because I can’t really credit myself with them. I may have been bluffing, or it may have been just a lucky break. I certainly can’ be sure that I could do it again. And if people really knew me, they’d have no use for me anyway. But if I found someone who loved me as I am and to whom I was of prime importance, I would be somebody.” No wonder, then, that love has all the lure of mirage. No wonder that it should be clutched at in preference to the laborious process of changing from within. Pleasures of the flesh as such—aside from its biological function—has the value of constituting proof of being wanted. The more the complaint type tends to be detached—that is, afraid of being emotionally involved—or the more one despairs of being loved, the more will mere pleasures of the flesh be likely to substitute for love. It will then appear as the only road to human intimacy, and be overrated, as love is, for its power to solve everything. If we are careful to avoid both extremes—that of regarding the patient’s overemphasis on love as “only natural,” and that of dismissing it as “neurotic”—we shall see that the complaint type’s expectations in this direction comes as a logical conclusion from one’s philosophy of life. #RandolphHarris 8 of 21

As so often in neurotic phenomena—or is it always?—we find that the patient’s reasoning, conscious or unconscious, is flawless, but rests on false premises. The fallacious premises are that one mistakes one’s need for affection and all that goes with it for a genuine capacity to love, and that one completely leaves out of the equation one’s aggressive and even destructive trends. In other words one leaves out the whole neurotic conflict. What one expects is to do away with the harmful consequences of the unresolved conflicts without changing anything in the conflicts themselves—an attitude characteristic of every neurotic attempt at solution. That is why these attempts are inevitably doomed to failure. For love has a solution, one must say this, however. If the complaint type is fortunate enough to find a partner who has both strength and kindliness, or whose neurosis fits in with his or her own, one’s suffering may be considerably lessened and one may find a moderate amount of happiness. However, as a rule, the relationship from which one expects Heaven on Earth only plunges one into deeper misery. One is all too likely to carry one’s conflicts into the relationship and thereby destroy it. Even the most favorable possibility can relieve only the actual distress; unless one’s conflicts are resolved one’s development will still be blocked. #RandolphHarris 9 of 21

In the striving for possession hostility usually takes the form of a tendency to deprive others. The wish to cheat, steal from, exploit or frustrate others is not in itself neurotic. It may be culturally patterned, or it may be warranted by the actual situation, or it may normally be considered a question of expediency. In the neurotic person, however, these tendencies are highly charged with emotion. Even if the beneficial advantages one derives from the are slight or irrelevant one will feel elated and triumphant if one meets with success; in order to find a bargain, for example, one may spend time and energy entirely disproportionate to the amount saved. One’s satisfaction at success has two sources: a feeling that one has outwitted others, and a feeling that one has injured others. This tendency to deprive others takes many forms. If one is not treated gratuitously, or for less than one is able to pay, the neurotic person will feel resentment toward a physician. In relations with friends and children the exploiting tendency is often justified by alleging that they have an obligation toward one. Parents may actually destroy their children’s lives by demanding sacrifices on such a basis, and even if the tendency does not appear in such destructive forms, any mother who acts according to the belief that the child exists to give her satisfaction is bound to exploit the child emotionally. #RandolphHarris 10 of 21

A neurotic of this kind may also tend to withhold things from others, withhold money which one ought to pay, information which could give, satisfaction in pleasures of the flesh which one has led another to expect. The presence of robbing tendencies may be indicated by repeated dreams of stealing, or one may have conscious impulses to steal, which one checks; one may actually have been a kleptomaniac at some period. Persons of this general type are often unaware that they purposely deprive others. The anxiety connected with their wish to do so may result in an inhibition as soon as something is expected of them, so that, for example, they forget to buy an expected birthday present, or they become important if a woman is willing to yield to them. This anxiety, however, does not always lead to an actual inhibition, but may become apparent in a lurking fear that they are exploiting or depriving others, as indeed they are, though consciously they would indignantly repudiate such an intention. A neurotic may even have this fear concerning certain of one’s activities in which these tendencies are actually not present, at the same time remaining unaware that in other activities one does exploit or deprive other people. These tendencies to deprive others are accompanied by an emotional attitude of begrudging envy. #RandolphHarris 11 of 21

If others have certain advantages which we should like to have ourselves, most of us will feel some envy. With the normal person, however, the emphasis lies on the fact that one wishes to have these advantages oneself; with the neurotic the emphasis lies on the fact that one begrudges them to others, even if one does not want them at all. Mothers of this kind often begrudge the gaiety of their children and tell them that “those who sing before breakfast will cry before supper.” The neurotic will try to disguise the crudity of one’s begrudging attitude by putting it on the basis of a justified envy. The advantage of others, whether it concerns a doll, girl, leisure or a job, appears so glorious and desirable that ne feels entirely justified in one’s envy. This justification is possible only with the help of some inadvertent falsification of facts: an underestimation of what one has oneself, and an illusion that the advantages of others are the really desirable one. The self-deception may go as far as to make one actually believe that one is in a miserable state because one fails to have the one advantage in which another person surpasses one, completely forgetting that in all other respects one would not like to change with the other. The price one has to pay for this falsification is incapacity to enjoy and appreciate the possibilities for happiness that are available. This incapacity, however, serves to protect one from the much-feared envy of others. #RandolphHarris 12 of 21

One does not deliberately keep oneself from satisfaction with what one has, as many normal persons who have good reason to protect themselves against the envy of certain persons, and therefore mispresent their real situation; one does a thorough job of it, and really deprives oneself of any enjoyment. Thus one defeats one’s own ends: one wants to have everything, but in consequence of one’s destructive drives and anxieties one emerges at the end with empty hands. It is obvious that the tendency to deprive or exploit, like all the other hostile tendencies we have discussed, not only arise from impaired personal relations but results in further impairment. Particularly if this tendency is more or less unconscious, as is usually the case, it necessarily renders the person self-conscious or even timid toward others. One may behave and feel free and natural towards persons from whom one does not expect anything, but one will become self-conscious as soon as there is any possibility of getting any advantage from someone. The advantage may concern tangible things, such as information or a recommendation, or it may concern something much less tangible, such as the mere possibility of future favors. This is true in erotic as in all other relationships. A neurotic of this type may be frank and natural with men for whom she does not care, but feel embarrassed and constrained toward a man whom she wants to like her, because, for her, obtaining his affection is identified with getting something out of him. #RandolphHarris 13 of 21

Persons of this type may have an exceptionally good earning capacity, thus leading their impulses into profitable channels. More often, they will develop inhibitions concerning the earning of money, so that they will hesitate to ask for pay or will do a great deal of work without getting an adequate reward, thus appearing to behave more generously than is really the case. They are likely then to become discontented at their inadequate earnings, often without knowing the reasons for the discontentment. If the neurotic’s inhibitions become so ramified that they pervade one’s whole personality the result will be a general incapacity to stand on one’s own feet, and one will have to be supported by others. One will then lead a parasitic kind of existence, thus satisfying one’s exploiting tendencies. This parasitic attitude will not necessarily appear in the gross form of “the World owes me a living,” but may take the more subtle form of expecting others to do one favors, to take the initiative, to give one ideas for work, in short, expecting others to take the responsibility for one’s life. The result is an odd attitude toward life in general: one has no clear conception that this is one’s life, and that it is up to one to make something out of it or to spoil it, but one lives as if what happens to one were no concern of one’s own, as if good and evil came from the outside without one’s having anything to do about it, as if one had a right to expect the good things from others and to blame them for all bad things. #RandolphHarris 14 of 21

Since in these circumstances usually more bad than good is produced, a growing embitterment against the World is almost inevitable. This parasitic attitude can be found also in the neurotic need for affection, especially when the need for affection takes the form of a craving for material favors. Another frequent outcome of the neurotic’s tendency to deprive or exploit is an anxiety that one will be cheated or exploited by others. One may live in a perpetual fear that someone will take advantage of one, that money or ideas will be stolen from one, and one will react to every person one meets with the fear that this person might want something of one. If one really is chanted, a seemingly disproportionate amount of anger is discharged, if, for example, an Uber-driver does not take the shortest route, of it a waiter overcharges one. The psychic value of projecting one’s own abusing tendencies on others is obvious. It is far more pleasant to feel a righteous indignation at others than to face a problem of one’s own. Moreover, hysterical persons often use accusations as a means of intimidation, or bullying the other into feeling guilty and thus letting oneself be abused. The aims and functions of the neurotic striving for power, prestige, and possession can be very roughly schematized as following: Aim for power, reassurance against it leads to helplessness, and hostility appears in the form of tendency to domineer. #RandolphHarris 15 of 21

When the aim is prestige, reassurance against leads to humiliation, the hostility appears in the form of a tendency to humiliate. If the aim if for possession, reassurance against cases destitution, and the hostility appears in the form of the tendency to deprive others. Nonetheless, these strivings are the foremost trend in human nature, not in themselves requiring any explanation; their intensification in neurotics can be traced back to feelings of inferiority and to physical inadequacies. Dr. Freud has also seen many of the implications of these strivings, but he does not regard them as belonging together. The striving for prestige one considers an expression of narcissistic tendencies. One would originally have considered the strivings for power and possession, and the hostility involved in them, as derivatives of the anal-sadistic stage. Later, however, he recognized that such hostilities could not be reduced to a sexual basis, and assumed them to be an expression of a death instinct, thus remaining faithful to his biological orientation. In the nonstop tsunami of mental discord in society, we have to be provided with floaties and learn how to swim. I have found that the more that I can be genuine in the relationship, the more helpful it will be. This means that I need to be aware of my own feelings, in so far as possible, rather than presenting an outward façade of one attitude, while actually holding another attitude at a deeper or unconscious level. #RandolphHarris 16 of 21

Being genuine also involves the willingness to be and to express in my own words and my behavior, the various feelings and attitudes which exist in me. It is only in this way that the relationship can have reality, and reality seems deeply important as a first condition. It is only by providing the genuine reality which is in me, that the other person can be successfully seek for the reality in one. I have found this to be true even when the attitudes I feel are not attitudes with which I am pleased, or attitudes I feel are not attitudes with which I am pleased, or attitudes which seem conducive to a good relationship. It seems extremely important to be real. As a second condition, I find that the more acceptance and liking I feel toward this individual, the more I will be creating a relationship which one can use. By acceptance I mean a warm regard for one as a person of unconditional self-worth—of value no matter what one’s condition, one’s behavior, or one’s feelings. As a second condition, I find that the more acceptance and liking I feel toward this individual, the more I will be creating a relationship which one can use. By acceptance I mean a warm regard for one as a person of unconditional self-worth—of vale no matter what one’s condition, one’s behavior, or one’s feelings. It means a respect and liking for one as a separate person, a willingness for one to possess one’s own feelings in one’s own way. #RandolphHarris 17 of 21

It means an acceptance of and regard for one’s attitudes of the moment, no matter how pessimistic or optimistic, no matter how much they may contradict other attitudes one has held in the past. This acceptance of each fluctuating aspect of this person makes it for one a relationship of warmth and safety, and the safety of being liked and prized as a person seems a highly important element in helping relationship. I also find that the relationship is significant to the extent that I feel a continuing desire to understand—sensitive empathy with each other’s feelings and communications as they seem to one at the moment. Acceptance does not mean much until it involves understanding. It is only as I understand the feelings and thoughts which seem so horrible to you, or so weak, or so sentimental, or so bizarre—it is only as I see them as you see them, and accept them and you, that you feel really free to explore all the hidden nooks and frightening crannies of you inner and often buried experience. This freedom is an important condition of the relationship. There is implied here a freedom to explore oneself at both conscious and unconscious levels, as rapidly as one can dare to embark on this dangerous quest. There is also a complete freedom from any type of moral or diagnostic evaluation, since all evaluations are, I believe, always threatening. #RandolphHarris 18 of 21

Thus the relationship which I have found helpful is characterized by a sort of transparency on my part, in which my real feelings are evident; by an acceptance of this other person as a separate person with value in one’s own right; and by a deep empathic understanding which enables me to see one’s private World through one’s eyes. When these conditions are achieved, I become a companion to someone else, accompanying the individual in the frightening search for oneself, which one now feels free to undertake. I am by no means always able to achieve this kind of relationship with another, and sometimes, even when I feel I have achieved it in myself, one may be too frightened to perceive what is being offered to one. However, I would say that when I hold myself the kind of attitudes I have described, and when the other person can to some degree experience these attitudes, then I believe that change and constructive personal development will invariably occur—and I include the word “invariably” only after long and careful consideration. So much for the relationship. The second phrase in my overall hypothesis is that the individual will discover within oneself the capacity to use this relationship for growth. I will try to indicate something of the meaning which the phrase has for me. #RandolphHarris 19 of 21

Gradually my experience has forced me to conclude that the individual has within oneself the capacity and the tendency, latent if not evident, to move forward toward maturity. In a suitable psychological climate this tendency is released, and becomes actual rather than potential. It is evident in the capacity of the individual to understand those aspects of one’s life and of oneself which are causing one pain and dissatisfaction, an understanding which probes beneath one’s conscious knowledge of oneself into those experiences which one has hidden from oneself because of their threatening nature. It shows itself in the tendency to reorganize one’s personality and one’s relationship to life in ways which are regarded as more mature. Whether one calls it a growth tendency, a drive toward self-actualization, or a forward-moving directional tendency upon which all psychotherapy depends. It is the urge which is evident in all organic and human life—to expand, extend, become autonomous, develop, mature—the tendency to express and activate all the capacities of the organism, to the extent that such activation enhances the organism or the self. This tendency may become deeply buried under layer after layer of encrusted psychological defenses; it may be hidden behind elaborate facades which deny its existence; but it is my belief that it exists in every individual, and awaits only the proper conditions to be released and expressed. #RandolphHarris 20 of 21

To comprehend the mysterious side of an adept’s personality correctly, we must comprehend its twofold nature. One is worthy to be called a sage who unites in one’s person mature judgement and experience, prudent speech and conduct, correct reasoning and adequate knowledge, humanized sanctity and spiritual enlightenment. In the loneliness of the divine presence one is always unutterably humble. In the presence of one’s fellow beings one is incomparably self-possessed, quietly dignified, and subtly armed with authority. The wearing of a halo would not make one any happier; one is not interested in being marked out as a “spiritual” person; spirituality is not a separate special feature for one but not something that ought to be the natural state of a human being. Consequently one finds the thought of being singed out for this quality, or becoming conspicuous for it, uninteresting to one. This paradox is the extraordinary situation of a being. One accepts the ego but one also repudiates it at the same time. Although one has reached a Godlike level, one is never arrogant, never pretentious, yet always keeps a simple natural dignity. Just as there is no special virtue in going to sleep, nothing to be proud of, so the sage regards one’s being in Being as no less natural, nothing to vaunt before other beings. This seems undue humility to the World but it seems ordinary to one. “And blessed are all the pure in heart, for they shall see God,” 3 Nephi 12.8 #RandolphHarris 21 of 21