Crimes are human errors, and signify but little; perhaps the worse a man is by nature, the more room there is for grace. Gratitude is not a passion, but a sentiment of the soul. Great endowments cannot long be concealed. Nonetheless, I have been speaking with people, and sometimes find myself confused as to what they are trying to communicate because of shifts in person.

To understand the meaning of “person” when using pronouns, imagine a conversation between two people about a third person, the first person speaks using “I, me, my…,” the second person would be called, “you”; and when the two of them talked of a third person, they would say “he, she, they…” You should never forget the idea of “person” if you remember it as a three part conversation.

First person: I, me, my, we us, our

Second person: you, your

Third person: he, him, his, she, her, hers, they, them, their, one, anyone.

You may use all three of these groups of pronouns in a paper, but do not shit from one group to another without good reason.

Wrong: Few people know how to manage their time. One need not be an efficiency expert to realize that one could get a lot more done if he budgeted his time. Nor do you need to work very hard to get more organized.

Better: Everyone should know how to manage his or her time. One need not be an efficiency expert to realize that a person could get a lot more done if one budgeted one’s time. Nor does one need to work very hard to get more organized. (Too many one’s in a paragraph make it sound overly formal, and they led to the necessity of avoiding sexism by using s/he, or he or she, etc. Sentences can be revised to avoid using either you or one.)

Best: Many of us do not know how to manage our time. We need not be efficiency experts to realize that we could get a lot more done if we budgeted our time. Nor do we need to work very hard to get more organized.

Often students write you in a paper when they do not really mean you, the readers.

You would not believe how many times I saw that movie.

Such sentences are always improved by getting rid of the you.

I saw that movie many times.

Peace is with those who Love.

All bodily racks and torments are nothing compared with certain states of the human mind. People often do the idlest acts of their lifetime in their heaviest and most anxious moments. Insanity is a legal term that refers to an inability to manage one’s affairs or foresee the consequences of one’s actions.

Persons who are declared insane are not legally responsible for their actions. If necessary, they can be involuntarily committed to a mental hospital. An example is Mark David Chapman, who was declared insane after he killed former member of a band, called the Beatles, John Lennon. Mark David Chapman claimed that devils forced him to kill John Lennon.

Ye are worse than brute beasts in your actions, and will you imitate them in their very dumbness? Legally, insanity is established by testimony from expert witnesses (psychologist and psychiatrists). An expert witness is a person recognized by a court of law as being qualified to give opinions on a specific topic. In practice, those who are involuntarily committed are usually judged to be a danger to themselves or to others (I supposed of the things one has seen and knows could qualify them as a threat), or they are severely mentally disabled.

Schizophrenic delusions can be bizarre. They often include the idea that the person’s thoughts and actions are being controlled, that thoughts are being broadcast (so that others can hear them), that thoughts have been “inserted” into the person’s mind, or that thought have been removed.

Does a schizophrenic person have two personalities?

Schizophrenia does not refer to having more than one personality. Recall from our earlier discussion that multiple identity is a non-psychotic, dissociative disorder. For instance, Ryan was so warm and friendly yesterday, but today he is as cold as ice. He is so schizophrenic sometimes that I do not know how to react. This statement shows how often the term schizophrenic is misused. As you know, even a person who displays two or more personalities (a dissociative disorder) is not “schizophrenic.” Neither, of course, is a person like Ryan, who behavior is merely inconsistent.

On a more technical level, schizophrenia is often confused with a personality disorder that resembles it somewhat. Recall that personality disorders are maladaptive personality patterns. One such pattern is the schizotypal personality, a non-psychotic disorder involving withdrawal, social isolation, and odd behavior, but no break with reality. Starting in adolescence, affected persons slowly become isolated, emotionally withdrawn, listless, and apathetic, and many are considered odd, shiftless, or eccentric. Their behavior, at times, may be markedly peculiar (collecting garbage, leaving used cigarette on someone’s property, talking to oneself, pretending to be someone else, and so forth).

Problems of this type do resemble some aspects of schizophrenia. However, the schizotypal personality, like other personality disorders, does not involve a psychotic break with reality. Many individuals with schizotypal personality simply live colorless and isolated lives on the fringes of society as vagrants, eccentrics, derelicts, or prostitutes.

Disorganized schizophrenia (sometimes called hebephrenic schizophrenia) comes close to matching the stereotyped images of madness seen in movies. In disorganized schizophrenia, personality disintegration is almost complete: Emotions, speech, and behavior are all highly disorganized. The result is silliness, laughter, and bizarre or obscene behavior, as shown by this intake interview of a patient:

Doctor: I am Dr. Harris. I would like to know something more about you.

Patient: You have a nasty mind. Lord! Lord! Cat’s in a cradle.

Doctor: Tell me, how do you feel?

Patient: London’s bell is long, long dock. Hee! Hee! (Giggles uncontrollably, also known as the Clown Haha Virus).

Doctor: Do you know where you are now?

Patient: Damn! Shit on you all who rip into my internals! My gaydar will take care of you all! (Shouting) I am the Queen, see my magic, I shall turn you into demons forever.

Doctor: Your family is concerned about you. Do you know who they are?

Patient (Stands, walks to and faces the wall): Who am I, who are we, who are you, who are they, (turns) I….I….I…I am the Great one! (Makes grotesque faces.)

Kenny was placed in the men’s ward where he proceeded to masturbate. Occasionally, he would scream or shout obscenities. At other times he giggled to himself. He was known to attack other patients. He began to complain that his anus was attached to a pipeline and Santa Barbara and that he was being infernally invaded by Communism.

Disorganized Schizophrenia typically develops in early adolescence or young adulthood. It is often preceded by serious personality disorganization in earlier years. Chances of improvement are limited, and social impairment is usually extreme.

Disorganized  Schizophrenia is denoted by incoherence, grossly disorganized behavior, bizarre thinking, and flat or grossly inappropriate emotions.

Catatonic type Schizophrenia is marked by stupor, rigidity, unresponsiveness, posturing, mutism, and sometimes, agitated, purposeless behavior.

Paranoid type Schizophrenia is marked by a preoccupation with delusions or frequent auditory hallucinations related to a single theme, especially grandeur or persecution.

Undifferentiated type Schizophrenia in which there are prominent psychotic symptoms, but none of the specific features of catatonic, disorganized, or paranoid types.

The causes of Schizophrenia: An increased risk of developing schizophrenia may begin at birth or even before. Women who are exposed to the influenza virus during the middle of pregnancy have children who are more likely to become schizophrenic. Malnutrition during pregnancy and complications at the time of birth can have a similar impact. Possibly, such events disturb brain development, leaving people more vulnerable to psychosis.

Early psychological trauma (a psychological injury or shock) may also ass to the risk of developing Schizophrenia. Often, the victims of schizophrenia were exposed to violence, sexual abuse, death, divorce, separation, or other stresses in childhood. Living in a troubled family is a related risk factor.

In a disturbed family environment, stressful relationships, communication patterns, and negative emotions prevail. For example, a 15 year study found that the chance of developing schizophrenia is related to deviant communication within families.

Deviant communication patterns cause anxiety, confusion, anger, conflict, and turmoil. Typically, disturbed families interact in ways that are laden with guilt, prying, criticism, negativity, and emotional attacks.

Although they are attractive, environmental explanations alone are not enough to account for schizophrenia. For examples, when the children of schizophrenic parents are raised away from their chaotic home environment, they are still more likely to become psychotic.

Does that mean that heredity is a factor in schizophrenia?

Evidence for heredity as a factor is in schizophrenia has grown stronger in recent years. It now appears that some individuals inherit a potential for developing schizophrenia. They are, in other words, more vulnerable to this disorder than others are. Researchers are even starting to identify specific genes related to schizophrenia. Apathy is a vice more hateful than all the errors of sensibility. An offense cannot be wiped out by an apology. If it could, we would substitute apologies for hangings.

When a young lady is to be a heroine, the perverseness of forty surrounding families cannot prevent her. Something must and will happen to throw a hero in her way. The man who is a hero can withstand unjust opinion. There are heroes in words as well as heroes in blows.

Thinking disorders, is your voice healthy? Decrease blaming, stop making “You statements.” Use more empathy to understand what others are going through. Some people are really not connected and have nothing to talk about, so they say nothing. I may need to increase my level of respect for myself.

Maybe this is not the time for us to communicate, I am not sure that you are being genuine. We need to focus on our own behavior, not our intentions. I have to forgive myself and increase my personal responsibility.

What is bothering us? What is the feeling? Personally, I feel like I am dying because I am under a lot of stress and get not much love. I have been working hard to earn more money, and it is not working out. There are things that you cannot see. I am technically healthy, but I see something and feel things you do not.

I do not feel safe because I am always being…I do not even feel like talking about this, it is none of your business, but I hope that you pay the consequences for your actions very soon. I assume that the law is here to protect everyone. I choose to communicate in person. There is no reason to be more assertive because no one takes responsibility for their actions.

We need to talk about why I am being targeted and why this is still happening? I cannot change this situation, I cannot change this situation. There is really nowhere for me to go right now.

By not leaving, I am saying that the way you guys treat me is okay, but I do not have the financial responsibility to leave because no one respects my rights. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Accept things as they are.

How can you say that someone should not be alive, so I can treat him however I want because he should be dead anyway. However, many of you should have never been born. Without medicine, the World population would not be as large as it is now, and you guys should have never been born.

Possible….that it could all be wonderful. Sweet the sound, as all the stars come crashing down. But I will wait for you. Meet me in the blue.

Afterglow, some things you just do not need to know came crashing in, battered your heart and bruised your shins, but I will wait for you if you ask me to.

The day is calling you, roll out and start anew. Wipe your weary eyes and tumble out of the sky. Because the day is calling you, roll out and start anew, wipe your weary eyes and tumble out of the sky.

Out of the sky,  I will wait for you, if you ask me to. When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better World, I am moved to lead a different life. I have fun with the urban women, they are fun, and add a little spice to life.

In those days people will seek death but will not find it. They will long to die, but death will flee from them!

Brainwashing is a form of forced attitude change. It depends on control of the target person’s total environment. Three steps in brainwashing are unfreezing, changing, and refreezing attitudes and beliefs.

Many religious and self-styled religious cults recruit new members with high pressure indoctrination (reeducation) techniques resembling brainwashing (cohesion, force, or threat).

Four decision points that must be passed before a person gives help are: noticing, defining an emergency, taking responsibility, and selecting a course of action. Helping is less likely at each point when other potential helpers are present.

Helping is encouraged by emphatic arousal ( sense how others may be feeling about how I am behaving or what I am experiencing) and similarity between the victims and the helper. For several reasons, giving help tends to encourage others to help, too.

Self assertion (stating your needs and expectations), as opposed to aggression ( displaying hostility or militant actions), involves clearly stating one’s wants and needs to others. Learning to be assertive is accomplished by role-playing, rehearsing assertive actions, over-learning, and use of specific techniques, such as the “broken record.”

Status inequalities (unequal roles for the same job) tend to build prejudice. Equal status contact tends to reduce it. Subordinate (supporting) goals help to reduce inter-group (family, friends, coworkers) conflict. One a smaller scale, cooperation through mutual interdependence (everyone does their own job and minds their own business), has been shown to combat prejudice.

And my attitudes are made up of a belief component (my experiences), an emotional component (how I am feeling), and an action component (what has happened). Heaven mocks the short sighted views of man. Hell is but the chimera (monster that breathes fire and has a lion’s head, a goat’s body, and snakes tail) of priests, to bubble idiots and cowards.

California is failing with people, who have intellectual disabilities. Many facilities, who host adults, with intellectual disabilities, are underfunded. Although it may cost as much as $500,000.00 a year to for a facility to take care of people with intellectual disabilities, Governor Jerry Brown wants to close these facilities and put them in community programs, which cost only $19,000.00 a year to run, so these people can get jobs and live among others.

The problem is people with intellectual disabilities sometimes have issues, which they need treatment for and they do not get that treatment. Then they get jobs and take their issues out on others, and create dangerous situations. Many of these people are put in positions of power and do not conceptual realize what they are doing wrong because they do not understand the rules.

I actually living in a high-rise building and some of these people that live here have intellectual disabilities. First of all, one is not going to always get along with everyone, all the time, but most adults know how to be civil and respect others. However, when people have intellectual disabilities, they do not necessarily understand what deviant behavior or risky behavior is.

For security reasons, the doors are locked in this building, to keep people out. However, someone with an intellectual disability props the door open, which backs up to an alley and leaves it unattended. Now, we are not even allowed to prop the doors open, and there are signs that say that. Anyone or anything can get in like thieves, rats, and bugs.

I posted a note and asked people not to prop the doors open. Someone was assaulted in this building over the weekend, and I am not sure that it was due to the door being left open, but nonetheless it should not be. Also, a few weeks ago, at 3am, someone was beating on the door to my apartment and twisting the handle to the door, talking about, “My TV is not work.” I did inquire who was at my door, but I did not open it. In the past I have had issues with people kicking on my door, and the police told me to just keep it shut, so this time I knew not to open it.

Sometimes I forget that someone of these people are mentally disabled and interact with them like they are just regular people, and I have been seriously assaulted several times. I got strangled, while I was driving one of them to the supermarket. She choked me twice, with both hands around my neck, and thankfully I was able to pull over.

I went to dinner with another one of these people who is mentally disabled and he ended up getting me really drunk, pushing me to the ground, our floors are concrete, and I hit my hand and fractured my spine in two places, and something else happened, but I do not want to get into that.

So back to this note about the doors being left open, this young lady, who has an intellectual disability took it down before anyone saw it. And I was upset because I have been assaulted and I am concerned about my security and there have been a lot of unusual people hanging around here. So I asked the young lady if that was her who had been leaving the door open and she admitted to doing it sometime, and then she got loud with me and got an attitude and told me she thinks I was trying to check her and had her man run up on me, as if to scare me.

This same young lady has run up on other men and cursed them out. I witnessed her putting her hands in the face of another man because she did not like something he said at a tenant meeting and she also was screaming and yelling at a senior citizen. This young lady is the President of the resident advisory board, for this particular building, and she takes this position a little too seriously. They do not have any real authority and not many people like to attend the resident meetings because there is a lot of bickering and issues are never resolved. So this young lady goes on to tell me that I need to attend these meetings and bring my concerns about the doors being left open there.

First of all, the meetings are not mandatory, and I have a life outside of this building. And even if I have free time, I do not want to spend it listening to people bicker, talk negatively about others, and make plans for improvements that may or may not happen. While I am thankful to have an apartment, as this is my first time living on my own, I would have never moved here if I knew what kind of situation I was getting into. This place has not always been that bad. I have been here for seven years, and in the past we have had presidents who actually care and do not let the title go to their heads.

The purpose of having a president of the building is to coordinate events, host fund raisers, and make sure things  are going smoothly. However, that young lady is intellectually disabled and has some unresolved issues in her life.  All I am saying if you are going to have intellectually disabled adults living on their own and in the community, some of them need to be supervised because a few of them have serious mental disabilities and they are a threat to others.

I think it is sad that Governor Jerry Brown wants to shut down facilities that house people with intellectual disabilities because it puts others at risk. They do things like leave doors in the alley open. Fry frozen chicken start grease fires and burn themselves, and use a barbecue grill, which is chained to a fence with wood slates and vegetation growing out of it. And experts recommend that if you use a barbecue grill, there needs to be ten feet of defensible space around it, to reduce the risk of a fire. Not only are these people putting their lives in danger, but the entire community as well. In the past the fire department used to come out to this building weekly.

It would be a shame if this building, which is income based rent, was shut down because many people will not find anything nearly as nice as this apartment. It really is like a hotel, and the apartments are a nice size, with a great room that has a large floor to ceiling sliding glass door, which leads to a cute terrace, and large kitchen, bed room with a floor to ceiling window, and a pretty spacious bathroom. There is also plenty of storage, and a killer view. I was sold when I saw the view and could not wait to move in.

So some people need more help than they are getting and need to be treated by a doctor. Since I have been living here, I developed anxiety issues from dealing with some of the people, and it is not fair to me or the community to have to deal with people who do not want to even help themselves. Some people even try to stay away from their apartments, as long as they can legally, so they do not have to deal with these adults with serious intellectual disabilities.

Sometimes people in the facilities, who host people with intellectual disabilities may get harmed, but the occurrences are fairly low and it is safer than having someone think they are moving into income based housing, then find out they are living among drunks and people who are psychotic and violent. In a facility, the staff is trained to deal with people who are intellectually disabled.  A lot of these senior citizens are scared of them, and others are extremely annoyed. If your friends do not really love you, they will stay shunning you, and as far as starting a relationship with people in the community, it will not last when they see what kind of people you live around.  And when you get hurt, there is really no one you can sue, as the people are poor. You just have to take the fractures, blows, and bruises until you can move to somewhere better. Had I known what I was getting into, I would not have moved here, and in the past, I did have other options.

A kiss for a blow is always best, though not easy. What I would not do for kindness, I would not do for money. I am so used to having an object of affection, but I have been getting out a little more and my eyes are opening, and I am not sure that I am really ready to be fixed on one person.

I am so used to people coming into my life and like waiting on them, and this has been a pattern for like…nearly ten years. However, today I was out and talking with a few of the ladies and I saw someone who really caught my eyes, and it made me realize that I may not be ready to be on reserve for someone. Not only that, but I am starting to get to know myself better and I like myself a lot more.

Yet, I have some issues, nothing really too major, and I wonder how someone would respond to them, after getting to know me. It is really something personal and somethings not so personal. Nonetheless, that is the point of dating, do you care enough to be with someone who is not perfect. It is not anything too serious, but it is abnormal, but really not that big of a concern.

Still, you know most people are looking for money and someone perfect, and that is just not me. I have flaws, nor am I rich.  And also, I have to stop objectifying people. Like I place them on a soap box and think the best about them, and they really may not be that good. You know, I want to get to know someone, not just have encounters and fanaticize about how wonderful they are.  You know, for once I want someone to impress me and pay attention to me. I want someone to understand me and get to know me.

Though they had kicked me downstairs every day I presented myself at her door. That is my way of fascinating women. Let the man who has to make his fortune in life remember this maxim. Attacking is his only secret, Dare, and the World always yields: or, if it beat you sometimes, dare again, and it will succumb.

As a man of war that sails through the sea, so this Earth that sails through the air. We mortals are all on board a fast sailing, never sinking, World frigate, of which God was the shipwright; and she is but one craft in a Milky War fleet, of which God is the Lord High Admiral. The port we sail from is forever astern.

And though far out of sight of land, of ages and ages we continue to sail with sealed orders, and out last destination remains a secret to ourselves and our officers; yet our final haven was predestination ere we slipped from the stocks at Creation.

Warfare, it has the ability to dramatically alter the lives of people for many generations. War is usually a long-term armed conflict amongst politically organized groups, which results in extensive violence, traumatic injuries, and substantial fatalities.

Although war usually involves two different nations, sometimes conflicts arise between to different political or religious groups in the same country.

 Conflicts arise because of overpopulation, land, inequality, limited resources or emotions. Prior to the 16th century, combats were typically small, they did not consist of more than 50,000 people and they did not last for a long. 

However, because of new technology developed in the 19th and 20th centuries, which include nuclear weapons, machine guns, mass transportation and superior communication devices, war now drag on years, and even decades.  The Vietnam War is an example of a long lasting conflict.

The Vietnam War began in 1954 and ended in 1975. It took place in Vietnam, which is located in Southeast Asia. 

This conflict was caused by the Geneva Accords, which split the country into two parts. Ho Chi Minh ruled the communist north and Ngo Dinh Diem was the leader of the south.

Ho Chi Minh wanted to unify the country under communist leadership.  Nevertheless, the United States was determined to stop the spread of communism.

The U.S. trained the Army of the Republic of Vietnam and provided military advisors to help rebuff Ho Chi Minh’s efforts of unifying Vietnam under communistic dictatorship.

The summer of August 1964, a U.S. defense ship was attacked by Ho Chi Minh’s army, which led to deployment of U.S. troops, and March 2, 1965, U.S. aircrafts started bombing targets in North Vietnam. 

Because Vietnam is a tropical country, with dense vegetation, it was like fighting a war in the jungle.

To make matters worse, Ho Chi Minh’s troops, the Viet Cong, knew the land of Vietnam; they would set traps for the Americans, sneak up on them and kill them, then duck into an underground escape tunnel and get away.

Americans realized that if they were going to have a chance of winning the war, they would need to level the battle ground by killing the vegetation.

From 1961 and 1972, Agent Orange was a herbicide that was used, it burned the leaves off of trees and caused the vegetation to die. However, many soldiers were also sprayed by this toxic Agent Orange.  

The battle raged on for a few more years, and on April 30, 1975, South Vietnam eventually surrendered and the country of Vietnam was reunited under communist rule.  

About 58,156 Americans lost their lives during that war, and 3.8 million Vietnamese perished. After U.S. troops returned from Vietnam, many of them had to fight a war of a different kind, and so did their families.

The side effects of Agent Orange afflicted several veterans with extensive health problems; countless Veterans suffered from neurological disorders, loss or burning of eye sight, constipation, violent vomiting and general loss of sensation. Others came down with intestinal problems, hepatitis or inflammation of the liver, ulcers, gastric hyperplasia.

Skin problems were also reported. Increased sensitivity to heat and sunlight, hair loss, nails that fell off, changes in skin color and rashes. Numerous veterans developed other side effects including, Parkinson’s disease, heart disease, hypertension, hemorrhages, and cancer. Some veterans were even told that they would only have a few years to live, and that they would never be able to have children.

But the buck did not stop there.  One of the most unfortunate side effects is Vietnam veterans passed on birth defects to their children, who would have otherwise been born health. The children of Vietnam veterans were often born with enlarged heads, abnormal livers, cleft palate, abnormal or missing digits, missing body parts or organs and Spina Bifida.

It is clear to see that the impact of war has consequences, which can last many generations, and countless lives can be lost. War can also cause major changes to the environment, which could make some areas uninhabitable.

When people sign up to defend their country, they do so because they care, they want to protect freedom, and because they want to provide a future for their families.

Wars are very serious, and maybe one day we will all be able to live in peace.  Through conflict resolution, maybe society will learn to work together. No matter what, someone will always lose a war, but the unborn should not have to spend the rest of their lives suffering.

Sometimes these disabilities, in the offspring, of Vietnam veterans cannot be seen, and they try to live “normal” lives, but just imagine how hard it is to live a normal life when one’s body does not function the same as everyone else’s, yet they are still held to the same standards.

Many of them may even be ashamed that they are disabled and it is not their fault, but society is very judgmental of those who are different or work at a different capacity. We have a right to know the truth, no right to ask anything else from God, but the right to ask that.

Like most mass media, when major programming innovations occur, which is rare, the cloning begins. The coast to coast sameness of the news formats, and even the on air voices and personalities, has been reinforced by the growth of chain ownership. Chain managers prefer tried and true routes to profits.

They avoid the risks attendant on striking out in fresh directions. National program services, which pipe programs to stations to relay to the audience, also contribute to the uniformity. In seeking large overall audiences, in diverse parts of the country, these syndicates stick to safe, middle ground, even within their format niches, causing major damages.

The future promises much of the same unless something occurs that upends the whole industry, and that is what we are trying to do, even if some have to keep writing for free.

We write to shed light on the obscure. If there is one door in the mansion you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise you will keep repeating the same thing.

Like the film, “Ground Hog’s Day,” with Billy Crystal, repeating the same thing over and over, reminds us of a gramophone playing the same vibration waveforms, recorded as there are no physical deviations of a spiral groove engraved, etched, or impressed into the surface of a rotating cylinder or disc. Most humans are dedicated to keeping that one door shut.

However, it is a writer’s job to see what is behind the door, to see the uninviting unspeakable stuff, and to turn the appalling into words, not just into any verses, but if we can, turn the words into harmony that spiral and grow, telling the whole story, the real truth. However, you cannot do this without discovering your own true voice, and you cannot find your expressions, unless you are willing to be honest with yourself. News is not just about collecting a welfare check for clocking hours, you need passion, determination, and courage.

If you are following your peers and they are bitter, angry, racist, or jealous, you cannot report honestly. They are probably are the ones who told you not to open that door in the first place. Truth seems to want expression. Unacknowledged truth saps your energy and keeps you and your characters wired and delusional.

Most reporters are both afraid and sad and do not quite know what is going on. It is hard to get truth out of them. Many of them tell me these incredibly long, self-important, convoluted stories. It is like they want you to feel sorry for them. Well, guess what, we have all overcome the impossible. Get over yourself!

My therapist said that jealousy is a secondary emotion and that it is born out of feeling excluded and deprive. If people work on their old feelings, the must do so by getting out and doing things they enjoy and learning to be thankful for their lives, career, family, and salaries. By doing so they will probably break through the jealousy. These reporters feel jaded because they have unresolved issues and hate new and fresh talent. These unhappy reporters have been gossiping and burning fresh faces for almost a decade, and it is because these rogue reporters  are mentally ill and unwilling to seek help, so they lash out at others.

I have talked to reporters who have been in Alcoholics Anonymous for years, and many of them spend half their time getting sober, but I find it honorable that they still go to work, and they show up sober. I asked this particular journalist what he would tell a newcomers, he replied by saying, “When I see a good looking young man half my age, with as much ambition and determination as you, and in such good shape, I feel all conflicted, wishing that I were that thin, and tan.Yet at the same time, I want to kiss you. Is that jealousy, or the type of appreciation a father show his son?”

What a wonderful and rare experience. Later that night he took me for a ride in his new BMW 750Li and threw money at me, we went to dinner, and later on passed out in my bed. He was a perfect angel and I did not take his money, I left it on the floor of his car.

There are an enormous number of people out there with invaluable information to share with you. Of course, it is just more interesting to talk to someone who is sort of keen. If you can think of someone to speak with, who is witty and articulate, it is best, so you can enjoy his or her material. However, these qualities are not absolutely necessary, because you may just be looking for one piece of information, or even a word, or just a hug. He warned me not to get into journalism. He said many reporters are, “A wild pack of demons, looking for someone to devour. Every so often, be warned that you may feel as though you have put your head in a lion’s mouth. I feel like people are patronizing me. Especially the young reporters and many of the giddy women, they are so fake. ”

I appreciated his honesty. If people do not tell me the truth, I am not going to improve. The next time I saw him, which was like a year later, I did not notice he was trying to get my attention in the supermarket. He was dressed down, he usually wears the most fancy suits, but he was in street clothes and talking to this woman. I totally ignored him because I had been dealing with a nasty pack of reporters, who felt self-important.

For example, even though they are in your environment, they will say things like, “He is following me, or he is stalking me.” So I just learned to shut people out. A few days later I realized it was the mature reporter I went to dinner with and let sleep over. I felt bad. I guess his feelings were so hurt, he never talked to me again.

I need attention. I need someone to respond to me as honestly  as possible, but without being abusive or diminishing, and I let that person walk right out the door because of negative experiences from the young reporters. So in my communication, I focus on the fact that I have tried something so difficult, I took such a risk.

Why sweep down to the river just to fill your mouth with mud. Learn how to fly and hunt. This male has succeeded. The secrecy, the obfuscation, the fact that these monsters can only be hinted at, gives us the sense that they (the young reporters) must be bad indeed. How else can you explain someone who has been working, as a reporter, at the same company, for 19 years and still not a full time anchor? Or a camera operator, who taunts people online and calls it research? They have not discovered their true voice, so they are stuck in a vicious cycle.

I was raised in a culture that promotes this competitiveness, this instability, this fantasy of needing hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, and then, in the next breath, shames you for feeling love, or longing for a relationship. It is my turn. I am only doing what I have been groomed to do. So I started to feel more alive and get my happiness back. I know how God feels about money, look at who he gives it to and how ugly they act.

Still, I know some very hard working reporters. There is a young woman, who gets up at 2am, drives to Sacramento, from the Bay Area (about an hour drive) and does not make it home until 9pm. That entire time she is working. Not sure how she does, why, or how long she will continue, but that is amazing. Yet, it sounds like a Greek tragedy waiting to happen. Maybe she needs to free herself from something?

And my ravaged mind, wounded psyche can and should still be cared for as softly and tenderly as possible. She is not different from me, she just lives the life I always wanted, and makes the money I dream of. Life is an abyss wrapped in the enigma of our own ignorance of the meaning of existence, it peaks echoing with cries of triumph and despair that we are hardly sure are not ours. Partly the play teases us because we have only lately recaptured it as a play. We have no records of its effectiveness in performance.