I came upstairs into the World; for I was born in a cellar. Wise are those who learn that the bottom lie does not always have to be their top priority. Listen long enough and the person will generally come up with an adequate solution. “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves,” St. Matthew 7.15. Fundamental to much of what I wish to say is the term “congruence.” This construct has been developed to cover a group of phenomena which seem important to therapy and to all interpersonal interaction. I would like to try to define it. Congruence is the term we have used to indicate an accurate matching of experiencing and awareness. It may be still further extended to cover a matching of experience, awareness, and communication. Perhaps the simplest example is an infant. If he is experiencing hunger at the physiological and visceral level, then one’s awareness appears to match this experience, and one’s communication is also congruent with one’s experience. He is hungry and dissatisfied, and this is true of him at all levels. He is at this moment integrated or unified in being hungry. On the other hand if he is satiated and content this too is a unified congruence, similar at the visceral level, the level of awareness and the level of communication. He is one unified person all the way through, whether we tap his experience at the visceral level, the level of his awareness, or the level of communication. #RandolphHarris 1 of 16

Probably one of the reasons why most people respond to infants if that they are so completely genuine, integrated or congruent. If an infant expresses affection or anger or contentment or fear there is no doubt in our mind that he is this experience, all the way through. He is transparently fearful or loving or hungry or whatever. For an example of incongruence we must turn to someone beyond the stage of infancy. To pick an easily recognizable example take the man who becomes angrily involved in a group discussion. His face flushes, his tone communicates anger, he shakes his finger at his opponent. Yet when a friend says, “Well, let us not get angry about this,” he replied, with evident sincerity and surprise, “I am not angry! I do not have any feelings about this at all! I was just pointing out the logical facts.” The other men in the group break out in laughter at this statement. What is happening here? It seems clear that at a physiological level he is experiencing anger. This is not matched by his awareness. Consciously he is not experiencing anger, nor is he communicating this (so far as he is consciously aware). There is a real incongruence between experience and awareness, and between experience and communication. Another point to be noted here is that his communication is actually ambiguous and unclear. In its words it is a setting forth of logic and fact. In its tone, and in the accompanying gestures, it is carrying a very different message—“I am angry at you.” #RandolphHarris 2 of 16

I believe this ambiguity or contradictoriness of communication is always present when a person who is at that moment incongruent endeavors to communicate. Still another facet of the concept of incongruence is illustrated by this example. The individual himself is not a sound judge of his own degree of congruence. Thus the laughter of the group indicates a clear consensual judgment that the man is experiencing anger, whether or not he thinks so. Yet in his own awareness this is not true. In other words it appears that the degree of congruence cannot be evaluated by the person oneself at that moment. We may progress in learning to measure it from an external frame of reference. We have also learned much about incongruence from the person’s own ability to recognize incongruence in oneself in the past. Thus if the man of our example were in therapy, he might look back on this incident in the acceptant safety of the therapeutic hour and say, “I realize now I was terribly angry at him, even though at the time I thought I was not.” He has, we say, come to recognize his defensiveness at that moment kept him from being aware of his anger. The wise and good people who have died who have left their examples for imitation or their words for germination, and any living beings whom we have heard met or read about—all these are our spiritual guides; if we only make it so, all these can become masters. #RandolphHarris 3 of 16

Why then should we narrow ourselves down to a single person with a single point of view? If one cannot find entry into the society of a master, one can meditate upon the life stories of historic masters of the past. Let one take the significant situations and devotional attitudes of these great souls into their own thought and study, to analyse the one and imitate the other. Let one think often and long of their character and conduct. Let one also read and reread the written messages they have left us. In this way one will imbibe something of their quality. Such is rarity of qualified teachers that today it is no longer a question of selecting one who particularly or personally appears to the seeker, but of finding one at all! The search for a master is often fruitless and abortive. Why is this? The answer is first, that few such masters exist today and second, that few of the searchers are qualified to work with one. Those who have this knowledge are nor easily accessible nor, even when found, do they easily divulge it. They are exceedingly rare. Not only are teachers more rare but the most sensitive seekers feel shyly inhibited from approaching them. It is a claim at once irrational and unjust that no being to be saved who does not approach a master in the flesh. For few beings can find such a master nor, finding one, can they always know one expect from a distance. #RandolphHarris 4 of 16

In ancient times there were few books to guide the aspirant and fewer still available to one. Consequently the need of a living guide was much greater than it is now. Even in ancient times such teachers were hard to find. The self-actualized is rare who can bring riddance to one’s disciple from the sorrows which agitate one’s heart. Beings of the highest spiritual caliber are not necessarily waiting around for disciples to come to them. They know quite well that each being is one’s own teacher in the end. One more example will portray another aspect of incongruence. Mrs. Tavard, who has been stifling yawns and looking at her watch for hours, says to her hostess on departing, “I enjoyed this evening so much. It was a delightful party.” Here the incongruence is not between experience and awareness. Mrs. Tavard is well aware that she is bored. Thus it might be noted that when there is an incongruence between experience and awareness, it is usually spoken of as defensiveness, or denial to awareness. When the incongruence is between awareness and communication it is usually thought of as falseness or deceit. There is an important corollary of the construct of congruence which is not at all obvious. It may be stated in this way. If an individual is at this moment entirely congruent, one’s actual physiological experience being accurately represented in one’s awareness, and one’s communication being accurately congruent with one’s awareness, then one’s communication could never contain an expression of and external fact. #RandolphHarris 5 of 16

Accurate awareness of experience would always be expressed as feelings, perceptions, meanings from an internal frame of reference. I never know that he is uneducated or you are bad. I can only perceive that you seem this way to me. Likewise, strictly speaking I do not know that the rock is hard if I fall down on it. (And even then I can permit the physicist to perceive it as a very permeable mass of high-speed atoms and molecules.) If the person is thoroughly congruent then it is clear that all of one’s communication would necessarily be put in a context of personal perception. This has very important implications. As an aside it might be mentioned that for a person always to speak from a context of personal perception does not necessarily imply congruence, since any mode of expression may be used as a type of defensiveness. Thus the person in a moment of congruence would necessarily communicate one’s perceptions and feelings as being these, and not as being facts about another person or the outside World. The reverse does not necessarily hold, however. Perhaps I have said enough to indicate that this conception of congruence is a somewhat complex concept with a number of characteristics and implications. It is not easily defined in operational terms, though some studies have been completed and other are in process which do provide crude operational indicators of what is being experienced, as distinct from the awareness of that experience. It is believed that further refinements are possible. #RandolphHarris 6 of 16

I believe all of us tend to recognize congruence or incongruence in individuals with whom we deal. With some individuals we realize that in most areas this person not only consciously means exactly what one says, but that one’s deepest feelings also match what one is expressing, whether it is anger or competitiveness or affection or cooperativeness. We feel that “we know exactly where one stands.” With another individual we recognize that what one is saying is almost certainly a front, a façade. We wonder what one really feels. We wonder if one now what one feels. We tend to be wary and cautious with such an individual. Obviously then different individuals differ in their degree of congruence, and the same individual differs at different moments in degree of congruence, depending on what one is experiencing and whether one can accept this experience in his awareness, or must defend oneself against it. Any communication is marked by some degree of congruence. The greater the congruence of experience, awareness, and communication, the more like it is that someone will experience it as a clear communication. If all the cues from speech, tone and gesture are unified because they spring from a congruence and unity in an individua, then there is much less likelihood that these cues will have an ambiguous or unclear meaning to our audience. Consequently, the more clear the communication from an individual is, the more others will respond with clarity. #RandolphHarris 7 of 16

This is simply saying that even though an individual might be quite incongruent in one’s experiencing the topic under discussion, nevertheless one’s response will have more clarity and congruence in it than if one had experienced the other person’s communication as ambiguous. If the aspirant is fortunate enough to meet a man or woman in person or writing who genuinely represents the true and real, no effort will be made to influence one; it will be left entirely to one’s own free choice weather one follow this light hidden behind a bushel or any will-o’-the wisp masquerading as a light. It is hard to establish human contact with a master, hard to get one interested in one’s personal activities. It is not the actual meeting with a master that constitutes it importance, but the recognition that one is a master. There are beings who come as ambassadors from Heaven, and the writings or arts of beings, which come as revelators. However, unless the reaction includes recognition, the contact is fruitless, the meeting useless. How shall one know who is really a master, and who is not? It is easy at a distance of a thousand years to put an estimate on those who have left the effect of their spiritual greatness on generation after generation, but it is hard to measure contemporaries who look like other ordinary mortals. #RandolphHarris 8 of 16

The more a person is congruent in the topic about which they are communicating, the less one has to defend oneself against in this area, and the more able one is to listen accurately to another individual’s response. Putting it in other terms, one has expressed what one genuinely feels. One is therefore more free to listen. The less one is presenting a façade to be defended, the more one can listen accurately to what another person is communicating. To this degree, then, one who is expressing their point of view feels empathically understood. One feels that in so far as one has expressed oneself, (and whether this is defensively or congruently) the other individual has understood one pretty much as one sees oneself, and as one perceives the topic under consideration. For a person to feel understood is a beneficial regard for the person we are communicating with. To feel that one is understood is to feel that one has made some kind of beneficial difference in the experience of another. And this is how a therapeutic relationship is formed. To the extent a person feels they can relate to and be understood by another person and that person is not acting in malice or facetiousness towards one, an individual will find oneself experiencing fewer barriers to communication. Hence one tends to communicate oneself more as one is, more congruently. Little by little one’s defensiveness decreases. #RandolphHarris 9 of 16

Having communicated oneself more freely, with less of defensiveness, an individual is now more able to listen accurately, without a need for defensive distortion, to another’s further communication. This allows people to form a parallel therapeutic relationship with each other because they feel like they are trusted and understood and communicating with someone who has a similar intellectual ability and interests. This means that these people will have an easy time being friends and they will see a change in their personalities in the direction of greater unity and integration; less conflict and more energy utilizable for effective living; change in behavior in the direction of greater maturity. Of course you cannot force a relationship or always have a lot of friction, hostility, sarcasm is your speech. Often times, people do this with young people because they are inexperienced, but as they grow and mature they will understand that you are not a good person and not someone they want to communicate with them and no matter how much they talk to you, you will never change. This even happens with family members, which is why people eventually distance themselves from their family, for the relationships are toxic. In healthy communication, there must be a minimal wiliness on the part of two people to be in contact; an ability and minimal willingness of the part of each to receive communication from the other; and assuming the contact to continue over a period of time; then the following relationship is hypothesized to hold true. #RandolphHarris 10 of 16

The greater the congruence of experience, awareness and communication on the part of one individual, the more the ensuing relationship will involve: a tendency toward reciprocal communication with a quality of increasing congruence; a tendency toward more mutually accurate understanding of the communications; improved psychological adjustment and functioning in both parties; mutual satisfaction in the relationship. Conversely the greater the communicated incongruence of experience and awareness, the more the ensuing relationship will involve: further communication with the same quality; disintegration of accurate understanding, less adequate psychological adjustment and functioning in both parties; and mutual dissatisfaction in the relationship. With probably even greater formal accuracy this general law could be stated in a way which recognizes that it is the perception of the receiver of communication which is crucial. Thus the hypothesized law could be put in these terms, assuming the same pre-conditions as before as to willingness to be in contact, and so forth. The more that Y experiences the communication of X as a congruence of experience, awareness, and communication, the more the ensuing relationship will involve parallel acceptance and trust. Stated in this way this “law” becomes an hypothesis which it should be possible to put to test, since Y’s perception of X’s communication should not be too difficult to measure. #RandolphHarris 11 of 16

People are, of course, unsure if they should dare to communicate the full degree of congruence which they feel? At times unaware if they match their experience, and their awareness of that experience, with their communication? One may be uncertain if they should communicate themselves as they are or must their communications be somewhat less than or different from this? The sharpness of this issue is possessed in the often vividly foreseen possibility of threat or rejection. To communicate one’s full awareness of the relevant experience is a risk in interpersonal relationships. It seems to me that it is taking or not taking of this risk which determines whether a given relationship become more and more mutually therapeutic or whether it leads in a disintegrative direction. To put it another way. I cannot choose whether my awareness will be congruent with my experience. This is answered by my need for defense, and of this I am not aware. However, there is a continuing existential choice as to whether my communication will be congruent with the awareness I do have of what I am experiencing. In this moment-by-moment choice in a relationship may possess the answer as to whether the movement is in one direction or the other in terms of this hypothesized law. It is almost a definition of a gentleman to say that one is one who never inflicts pain. #RandolphHarris 12 of 16

True understand—“Knowledge of the HOLY One is understanding,” reports Proverbs 9.10. “Knowledge” in biblical language never refers to what we today call “head knowledge,” but always to experiential involvement with what is known—to actual engagement with it. Thus when Jesus defines the eternal life that one gives to one’s people as “that they might know thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent,” as reported in John 17.3, he is speaking of the grace of constant, close interaction with the Trinitarian being of God that Jesus brings into the lives of those who seek and find him. This is only a deeper and fuller understanding of Proverbs 3.5-8: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely exclusively in your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will smooth your paths. Do not imagine you have got it all figured out. Be afraid of the Lord and avoid evil. It will heal your body and bring refreshments to your bones.” Colossians 3.17 expresses the same basic fact, but now as the ultimate outcome of spiritual (trans)formation in Christ: “And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of [in the place of, on behalf of] the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father. Families and schools are part of those larger groups that we call society and state. Much has been said and written about the conformist influence that both of them exercise on the way of life of each of us. #RandolphHarris 13 of 16

I do not need to repeat these often trenchant and distressing observations. I do not need to pint to the pressures exerted by suburban neighborhoods, by the laws of competition, by political threats, and by radio and TV filling our air waves twenty-four hors daily and impressing our unconscious even as we try to resist them in our conscious center. Again, the difficulty in resisting the conformist impact of all this is that it is not evil in our social and political forms makes every acts of protest a risk, not in the sense that we risk friendship, acknowledgement, or success—this we might be able to do—but in the sense that we risk making the wrong decision and losing ourselves in it. However, even so, we must risk, as the discipled to whom Jesus spoke had to risk. We must risk “being delivered up to councils, to stand before governors and kings and queens, and bear testimony before them, to be put to death by friends and relatives, to be hated by all.” This is certainly a picture of an extreme situation, although it has happened in our century to many people. Most of us will probably never have to face such grace decisions. However, it our daily life, in dealing with society and state, we have to face social tribunals that accuse us and may condemn us, because we are not conformed to their way of life. The picture of extreme non-conformity that Jesus paints includes all the small acts of non-conformity that we must perform in our daily life. #RandolphHarris 14 of 16

Do not be conformed to the society group which you belong. Do not be conformed to those who have political power over you, even if you obey them. However, work for their transformation. God is just and holy. He judges sin and disciplines His children. However, He is also “the God of all grace” reports 1 Peter 5.10. No one knew that better than the apostle Peter. He had a history of blowing it even before the night when he dined Jesus. Simon Peter did not exactly get started on the right foot with Jesus. “Wherefore, a person being evil cannot do that which is good; neither will one have a good gift. For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water; wherefore, a person being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if one follow Christ one cannot be a servant of the devil. Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually,” reports Moroni 7.10-13. Grant, we beseech Thee, Almighty God, that we, putting off the old man with his deeds, may live according to His life, of Whose very self Thou hast made us partakers by the healing gifts of our daily grace, Who with Thee we shall live, prosper, and have eternal life. #RandolphHarris 15 of 16

O God the Holy Spirit, that which I know not, teach thou me, keep me a humble disciple in the school of Christ, learning daily there what I am in myself, a fallen sinful creature, justly deserving everlasting destruction; O let me never lose sight of my need of a saviour, or forget that apart from Him I am nothing, and can do nothing. Open my understanding to know the Holy Scriptures; reveal to my soul the counsels and works of the blessed Trinity; instill into my dark mind the saving knowledge of Jesus; make me acquainted with His covenant undertakings and His perfect fulfillment of them, that by resting on His finished work I may find the Father’s love in the Son, His Father, my Father, and may be brought through thy influence to have fellowship with the Three in One. O lead me into all truth, thou Spirit of wisdom and revelation, that I may know the things that belong unto my peace, and through thee be made a new. Make practical upon my heart the Father’s love as thou has revealed it in the Scriptures; apply to my soul the blood of Christ, effectually, continually, and help me to believe, with conscience comforted, that it cleanseth from all sin; lead me from faith to faith, that I may at all times have freedom to come to a reconciled Father, and may be able to maintain peace with Him against doubts, fears, corruptions, temptations. Thy office is to teach me to draw near to Christ with a pure heart, steadfastly persuaded of His love, in the full assurance of faith. Let me never falter in this way. #RandolphHarris 16 of 16

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