Happiness means self-fulfillment and is given to those who use to the fullest whatever talents God bestows upon them. Our very survival as principals may hinge on our ability to understand and deal with change. Do not be afraid to take a big step. You cannot cross a chasm in two small jumps. No person is an Island, entire of itself; every being is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main. It is important for human beings to communicate and try to live with one another. Any person’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in Humankind; and therefore never send to know for who the bell tolls; I tolls for thee. We must open u a whole new dimension of thinking, fresh and original to break down the barriers that create isolation. in World where of our own mental safety and health are imperative, beings have to learn to be a part of humankind. Perhaps learning from the struggles of others to live in a satisfying fashion will have some meaning for you. What then, are some of the ways in which clients change in their family living, as a consequence of client-centered therapy? In the first place it is our experience that our clients gradually come to express more fully, to members of their families as well as to others, their true feelings. The greater thing in this World is not so much where we stand as in what direction we are going. Leaders know that while their position gives them authority, their behavior earns them respect. It is consistency between words and actions that builds a leader’s credibility. #RandolphHarris 1 of 15

This expression of true feelings applies to feelings that might be thought of as negative—resentment, anger, shame, jealousy, dislike, annoyance—as well as feelings which might be thought of as beneficial—tenderness, admiration, liking, love. It is as thought the client discovers in their therapy that it is possible to drop the mask one has been wearing, and become more genuinely oneself. A husband finds himself becoming furiously angry with his wife, and expressing this anger, where before he had maintained—or thought he had maintained—a calm and objective attitude toward her behavior. It is as though the map of expression of feeling has come closer to expressing the feelings which really exist in them, rather than hiding their true feelings from the other person, or from the other person and themselves. Perhaps an illustration or two would make this point more clear. A young wife, Mrs. Goffman, comes for counseling. Her complaint is that her husband, Josh, is very formal and reserved with her, is inconsiderate, that they are incompatible when it comes to pleasures of the flesh and rapidly growing apart. As she talks out her attitudes the picture changes rather drastically. Mrs. Goffman expresses the deep guilt she has regarding her life before her marriage, when she had affairs with a number of men, mostly married. She realizes that though with most people she is a gay (happy) and spontaneous person with her husband she is still, controlled, lacking in spontaneity. #RandolphHarris 2 of 15

Mrs. Goffman also sees herself as demanding that her husband be exactly what she wishes him to be. At this point counseling is interrupted by the counselor’s absence from the city. She continues to write to the counselor expressing her feelings, and adding, “If I could only say things to him (her husband) I could be myself at home. But what would that do to his trust in people? If you were my husband and learned the truth, would you find me repulsive? I wish I were a ‘nice gal’ instead of a ‘Babe.” I have made such a mess of things.” This followed by a letter from which a lengthy quotation seems justified. She tells how irritable she has been—how disagreeable she was when company dropped in one evening. After they left, “I felt like a louse for behaving so badly…I was still feeling sullen, guilty, angry, at myself and Josh—and just about as blue as they come. So, I decided to do what I have been really wanting to do and putting off because I felt it was more than I could expect from any man—to tell Josh what was making me act that terrible way. It was even harder than telling you—and that was hard enough. I could not tell it in such minute detail but I did manage to get out some of those sordid feelings about my parents and then even more about those ‘damn’ men. The nicest thing I have ever heard him say was ‘Well, maybe I can help you there’—when speaking of my parents. #RandolphHarris 3 of 15

“And he was very accepting of the things I had done. I told him how I felt so inadequate in so many situations—because I have never been allowed to do so many things—even to know how to play cards. We talked, discussed, and really got down deep into so many of both our feelings. I did not tell him as completely about the men—their names, but I did give him an idea of about how many. Well, he was so understanding and things have cleared up so much that I TRUST HIM. I am not afraid now to tell him those silly little illogical feelings that keep popping into my head. And if I am not afraid then maybe soon those silly things will head. And if I am not afraid ten maybe soon those silly things will stop popping. The other evening when I wrote to you I was almost ready to pull out—I even thought of just leaving town. (Escaping the whole affair.) However, I realized that I would just keep running from it and not be happy until it was faced. We talked over children and though we have decided to wait until Josh is closer to finishing school, I am happy with this arrangement. Josh feels as I do about the things we want to do for our children—and most important the things we do not want to do to them. So if you do not get any more desperate sounding letters, you know things are going along as okay as can be expected. Now, I am wondering—have you known all along that that was the only thing I could do to bring Josh and me closer? That was the one thing I kept telling myself would not be fair to Josh. #RandolphHarris 4 of 15

“I thought it would ruin his faith in me and in everyone. I had a barrier so big between Josh and me that I felt he was almost a stranger. The only way I pushed myself to do it was to realize that if I did not at least try his response to the things that were bothering me, it would not be fair to him without giving him a chance to prove that he could be trusted. He proved even more than that to me—that he has been down in hell too with his feelings—about his parents, and a good many people in general.” I believe this letter needs no comment. It simply means to me that as she had experiences in therapy the satisfaction of being herself, of voicing her deep feelings, it became impossible for her to behave differently with her husband. She found that she had to be and express her own deepest feelings, even if this seemed to risk her marriage. Another element in the experience of our clients is a somewhat subtle one. They find that, as in this instance, expression of feelings is a deeply satisfying thing, where formerly it has nearly always seemed destructive and disastrous. The difference seems to be due to this fact. When a person is living behind a front, a façade, his unexpressed feelings pile up to some explosion point, and are then apt to be triggered off by some specific incident. #RandolphHarris 5 of 15

However, the feelings which sweep over the person and are expressed a such a time—in a temper storm, in a deep depression, in a flood of self-pity, and the like—often have an unfortunate effect on all concerned because they are so inappropriate to the specific situation and hence seem so unreasonable. The angry flare-up over one annoyance in the relationship may actually be the pent-up or denied feelings resulting from dozens of such situations. However, in the context in which it is expressed it is unreasonable and hence not understood. Here is why therapy helps to break a vicious circle. As the client is able to pour out, in all their accumulated anguish, fury, or despair, the emotions which one has been feeling, and as one accepts these feelings as one’s own, they lose their explosiveness. Hence one is more able to express, in any specific family relationship, the feelings aroused by that relationship. Since they do not carry such an overload from the past, they are more appropriate, and more likely to be understood. When they occur, gradually the individual finds oneself expressing one’s feelings, and not at some much later point after they have burned and festered in one. There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. That little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is beneficial or negative. “Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth, peace, good will toward people,” reports St. Luke 2.14. #RandolphHarris 6 of 15

Traditionally, the question of passing has raised the issue of the “visibility” of a particular stigma, that is, how well or how badly the stigma is adapted to provide means of communicating that the individual possesses it. For example, former mental patients and expectant unmarried fathers are similar in that their failing is not readily visible; they visually impaired, however, are easily seen. Visibility, of course, is a crucial factor. That which can be told about an individual’s social identity at all times during one’s daily round and by all persons one encounters therein will be of great importance to one. The consequence of a presentation that is perforce made to the public at large may be small in particular contacts, but in every contact there be some consequences, which, taken together, can be immense. Further, routinely available information about one is the base from which one must begin when deciding what tack to take in regard to whatever stigma one possesses. Thus, any change in the way the individual must always and everywhere present oneself will for these very reasons be fateful—this presumably providing the Greeks with the idea of stigma in the first place. Since it is through our sense of sight that the stigma of others most frequently becomes evident, the term visibility is perhaps not too misleading. Actually, the more general term, “perceptibility” would be more accurate, and “evidentness” more accurate still. A stammer, after all, is a very “visible” defect, but in the first instance because of the sound, not sight. #RandolphHarris 7 of 15

Before the concept of visibility can be safely used even in this corrected version, however, it must be distinguished from three other notions that are often confused with it. Firs, the visibility of a stigma must be distinguished from its “known-about-ness.” When an individual’s stigma is very visible, one’s merely contacting others will cause one’s stigma to beknown about. However, whether others know about the individual’s stigma will depend on another factor in addition to its current visibility, namely, whether or not they have previous knowledge about one—and this can be based on gossip about one or a previous contact with one during which one’s stigma was visible. Secondly, visibility must be distinguished from one of its particular bases, namely, obtrusiveness. When a stigma is immediately perceivable, the issue still remains as to how much it interferes with the flow of interaction. For example, at a business meeting a participant in a motorized mobility chair is certainly seen to be in some kind of wheelchair, but around the conference table one’s failing can become relatively easy to disattend. On the other hand, a participant with a speech impediment, who in many ways is much less disabled than someone in a wheelchair, can hardly open one’s mouth without destroying any unconcern that may have arisen concerning one’s failing, and one will continue to introduce uneasiness each time thereafter that one speaks. #RandolphHarris 8 of 15

The very mechanics of spoken encounters constantly redirect attention to the defect, constantly making demands for clear and rapid messages that must constantly be defaulted. It may be added that the same failing can have different expressions, each with a different degree of obtrusiveness. For example, a visually impaired person with a white cane gives quite visible evidence that one is blind; but this stigma symbol, once noted, can sometimes be disattended, along with what it signifies. However, the blind person’s failure to direct one’s face to the eyes of one’s co-participants is an event that repeatedly violates communication etiquette and repeatedly disrupts the feedback mechanics of spoken interaction. Thirdly, the visibility of a stigma (as well as its obtrusiveness) must be disentangled from certain possibilities of what can be called its “perceived focus.” We normals develop conceptions whether objectively grounded or not, as to the sphere of life activity for which an individual’s particular stigma primarily disqualifies one. When a person does not appeal to us, for example, has its initial prime effect during social situations, threatening the pleasure we might otherwise take in the company of its possessor. We perceive, however, that one’s condition ought to have no effect on one’s competency in solitary task, although of course we may discriminate against one here simply because of the feelings we have about looking at one. #RandolphHarris 9 of 15

Ugliness, then, is a stigma that is focused in social situations. Other stigmas, such as a heart condition, are felt to have no initial effect on the individual’s qualification for face-to-face interaction; they lead us to discriminate in such matters as job allocation, and affect immediate social interaction only, for example, because the stigmatized individual may have attempted to keep one’s differentness a secret and feels unsure about being able to do so, or because the others present know about one’s condition and are making a painful effort not allude to it. Many other stigmas fall in between these two extremes regarding focus, being perceived to have a broad initial effect in many different areas of life. For example, a person with cerebral palsy may not only be seen as burdensome in face-to-face communication, but may also induce the feeing that one is questionable as a solitary task performer. The question of visibility, then, must be distinguished from some other issues: the known-about-ness of the attribute, its obtrusiveness, and its perceived focus. This still leave unconsidered the tacit assumptions that somehow the public at large will be engaged in the viewing. However, as we shall see, specialists at uncovering identity can be involved, and their training may allow them to be immediately struck by something that is invisible to the laity. #RandolphHarris 10 of 15

A physician who meets on the street a man with dull red discoloration of the cornea and notched teeth is meeting someone who openly displays two Hutchinson’s signs and is likely to be syphilitic. Others present, however, being medically blind, will see no evil. In general, then, the decoding capacity of the audience must be specified before one can speak of a degree of visibility. Make a careful list of all things done to you that you abhorred. Do not do them to others, ever! To love our wives as our own bodies is a grand and great thing. It means granting her the same importance, the same value, “the same existential gravity that we take for granted in ourselves.” She becomes as real as we are to ourselves. She is me. How do we love our wives as our own bodies? How do we care for her as we do for ourselves? The answer involves three incarnations. The first is a physical incarnation. You must love your wife with all your heart and understand that her body is as important as yours, and that her comfort matters, as does her adornment, and care. A second way to love our wives as our own bodies is emotional incarnation. So many men make the emotional differences between men and women subject to degrading humor. They belittle the female disposition, as if male stoicism were superior. They realize the differences, but may no allowances for them and do not attempt to understand. No man can claim obedience to God and do this! It is a flat-sided masculinity which imagines that understanding another is a feminine trait. #RandolphHarris 11 of 15

Actually such understanding of the complementary natures of God gave man and woman is the mark of fully developed, mature man. Then, of course, there must be social incarnation. “Archie Bunkers” think their wives spend their day lugging power tools out to the sandbox for their kids to play with, or discarding one sock for every pair in the drawer. Of course, women have many social settings: the home, the office, the classroom. However, I remember a profitable incarnation I experienced when my wife visited her sister in Connecticut for a week, leaving me in charge of our four small children. I fixed the meals, changed thousands and thousands of diapers, fixed hurts, settled quarrels, gave baths, cleaned up catastrophes, and cleaned them up again. I was at work before I got up and after I went to bed. The experience so marked me that in my mind I invented a new kitchen, modeled after a car wash. The floors slope to a large drain in the middle of the room. A hose hangs on the wall, nozzle ready to spray things down after the meal. It was an incarnation I was not anxious to repeat again, but as my wife says, “It was good for you!” Men, we are called to a divinely appointed self-love: to love our wives as our own bodies, to care for them as Christ does the Church. Loving our wives’ bodies as our own demands a triple incarnation: physical, emotional, and social. We are devoted the same energy, time, and creativity to our wives as to ourselves. We are to cherish our constant souls. Envy the woman who is loved like this. Even more, envy the being who loves like this—for he is like Christ. #RandolphHarris 12 of 15

Men, what a challenge Ephesians 5 presents us—sacrificial love (love is like death!), sanctifying love (love that elevates), and self-love (loving your wife as much as you love your own body). If this calls for anything, it calls for some holy sweat. Marriage is not an achievement which is finished. It is a dynamic process between two people, a relation which is constantly being changed, which grows or dies. Men, the all-encompassing call to love our wives as Christ loved the Church demands specific disciplines. We must begin with the discipline of commitment. I have grown tougher with the years in my demands on couples who want me to perform their wedding ceremonies. I tell them that wedding vows are a volitional commitment to love despite how one feels. I explain that it is rubbish to think one can break one’s vows because one does not “feel” in love. I point out that the Scriptures call us to “put on love” (Colossians 3.14)—and despite the canard about such love being hypocritical, it is never hypocrisy to put on a Christian grace. I tell them that if there is the tiniest thought in the back of their minds, they can get out of the marriage. if the other person is not all they expected, I will not perform the ceremony. The truth is, marriages which depend on being “in love” fall apart. Those which look back to the wild promises they vowed in the marriage ceremony are the ones who make it. There is no substitute for covenant plus commitment. #RandolphHarris 13 of 15

Grace is not only to be received by us, it is, in a sense, to be extended to others. I say “in a sense” because our relationship to other people is different from God’s relationship to us. He is the infinitely superior Judge and moral Governor of the Universe. We are all sinners and are on an equal plane with one another. So we cannot exercise grace as God does, but we can relate to one another as those who have received grace and who wish to operate on the principles of grace. In fact, we will not experience the peace with God and the joy of God if we are not willing to extend grace to others. This is the point of Jesus’ parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18.23-34. He told the story of a man who was forgiven a debt of ten thousand talents (millions of dollars), but who was unwilling to forgive a fellow servant who owed him a hundred denarii (a few dollars). The unstated truth in the parable, of course, is that our debt of sin to God is “millions of dollars,” whereas the debt of others to us is, by comparison, only a few dollars. The person who is living by grace sees this vast contrast between one’s own sins against God and the offenses of others against oneself. One forgives others because one has been so graciously forgiven. One realizes that, by receiving God’s forgiveness through Christ, one has forfeited the right to be offended when others hurt one. One practices the admonition of Paul in Ephesians 4.32 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” #RandolphHarris 14 of 15

O Christ, be favourable to our desires and prayers, and make prosperous to us this coming night of holy blessings; that in it we may rise from the dead, and pass over into life, with Thee, O Saviour of the World. O Lord God, Thou hast commanded me to believe in Jesus; and I would flee to no other refuge, wash in no other fountain, build on no other foundation, receive from no other fullness, rest in no other relief. His water and blood were not served in their flow at the cross, may they never be separated in my creed and experiences; may I be equally convinced of the guilt and pollution of sin, feel my need of a prince and saviour, implore of him repentance as well as forgiveness, love holiness, and be pure in heart, have the mind of Jesus, and tread in his steps. Let me not be at my own disposal, but rejoice that I am under the care of one who is too wise to err, too kind to injure, too tender to crush. May I scandalize none by my temper and conduct, but recommend and endear Christ to all around, bestow good on every one as circumstances permit, and decline no opportunity of usefulness. Grant that I may value my substance, not as the medium of pride and luxury, but as the means of my support and stewardship. Help me to guide my affections with discretion, to owe no man anything, to be able to give to one that needeth, to feel it my duty and pleasures to be merciful and forgiving, to show to the World the likeness of Jesus. “Now Christ spake these words unto them at the time of his first appearing; and the multitude heard it not, but the disciples heard it; and on as many as they laid their hands, fell the Holy Ghost,” Moroni 2.3. #RandolphHarris 15 of 15

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