Pain fused with the love, undeniable pain. The expression of pain and love so fused in the face that I could hardly bear to look at it, aware suddenly of a huge pain inside me, inside my heart, pain blooming in me as if it were unstoppable, out of all control, and would soon be more than I could bear. I heard the sound of weeping only it had no sound. I heard it rising all around me the way the sound of falling rain can rise as it strikes more and more surfaces around one, pattering on streets and roofs and leaves and boughs. It is a normal evening at the coffee-bar where I am in the habit of dropping by. The kids are jiving and punching each other around in the juke-box room, an amateur rock-and-roll session is in violent practice upstairs somewhere, and some of us are gathered at the counter sucking Coca-Cola through straws. Through the big front window we can see a few of the boys horsing around on their hire-purchased motorbikes. Fat, moonfaced Dave walks in and asks us if we want a ride on his bike and we say no, we will hang around a while. Len buys Ginger and Dave and me Coca-Cola. He is on casual work now, he says, after quitting a warehouse where he moved fridges. “Keep on casual till they nick me,” he says. #RandolphHarris 1 of 16

I tell Len that I have heard he was up at Notting Hill during the troubles. “Yeah,” Len replies, “three nights all in a row.” He is stating a fact, not boasting. “What were you doing up there?” I ask. “Hittin’ the folks,” he says. Dave, off his motorbike, offers that he spent only a single night “huntin’ folks.” Ginger, who resembles Jimmy Dean and likes being told about it, says, “Nah, that was not the way—all in a mob. Coppers see you. Thing to do, three, four of us, down a side street at night, in a fast car, jump out, do a chump, jump in. That way you can do a dozen chumps a night.” Len is a lanky, shamble-shouldered bleach-haired boy, with a tall thin blonde face and small blank eyes and virtually no upper eyelids. I ask Len if he enjoyed himself during the riots. He says, “Sure.” I ask him what he did. “Hit chumps,” he says and shrugs. Did many boys from the café go with him? No, not many. “It was the Fascists done the work up there,” Len says. How is he so sure? “I drove around, first night in a jeep with one of them. A reporter from one of the newspapers gets out of his car and asks us what the trouble is. This Fascist smashed him square in the face, ‘e did. Reporter got back in his car and rolled up all the windows.” Dave and Ginger say they chased a few chumps without much success. #RandolphHarris 2 of 16

Dave says that his high point came when he led a mob of teenagers to St. Mark’s Crescent and pointed a milk bottle at a reporter’s house. Ginger had no individual exploits to his credit. He wears a brightly colored Palm Beach shirt and talks like an American radio comedian. He does not tell jokes, just maintains a patter of small, pseudo-ironical remarks. They listen while Len speaks of the Fascists. He says that, contrary to public belief, the Fascists still wear the black shirt with the silver lightning insignia. Is he a member of the Union Movement himself? With a quick dart of the long blonde head he says no, not a member, only a follower. “Fascists was active before all the troubles,” he says, “and now they are getting lots of members. Brown shirts started that way, did they not? I mean, it does not mean just because you start out small that you some day will not be over the whole country, does it?” Dave and Ginger remains neutral in the face of ideology. What Len was doing at Notting Hill was fine with them, but not when he wants to do it in uniform. I ask Len if it is the uniform that attracts him. He says no, not particularly, it is what the Fascists stand for. “Riddin’ Britain of the chumps,” he says. When I ask him what he has against the chumps, Dave and Ginger chime in eagerly. It is not so much traditional target they mind. It is the new people. #RandolphHarris 3 of 16

Dave says, “Y’know, when I went in for my national assistance, all they did give me was forty-four quid after an argument. Crazy chump after me comes out with three hundred and fifty-five quid.” How did the chump manage this? Dave says the Chump claimed a family back in their home country. Ginger says, “They come here and they use all our money, lower our standards, that is what they do.” “Chumps live on forty-four quid a week,” says Ginger, “eatin’ cat food. It is the truth. I seen em’.” “Live like pigs,” says Dave. Len adds, “An’ the way they walk around, they got no respect. The clothes they wear. I seen one last night, suit the color of milk, milk mind you, black shoes with a green tassel, and with a girl.” Was the girl White? Len nods. He says, “Ever see the pants they wear? Big and wide up here, tiny and little at the bottom. Why do they have to dress that way? Crazy pants.” His own trousers are drain pipe, of a gray tweed material I am not familiar with. Ten minutes later he is to tell me that he had to sleep at a friend’s house a week ago because of a row with his old lady over his trousers. It boils down to this: the chumps live too high and live like pigs. When I ask them if they do not see a contradiction in this, Len with the plodding seriousness that is characteristic, says sincerely, after a little confused thought, “They live in dirt in private and like kings the rest of the time.” He says he used to live in Notting Hill but that a chump bought the house and threw them out. #RandolphHarris 4 of 16

“The coppers,” says Len, “they was all on the side of the chumps.” Dave and Ginger nod vigorously. I say that the that the chumps I have spoken with claim differently. “Chu,” exclaims Ginger, “see what we mean? Liars, all the chumps. Cannot trust any of ‘em.” Do they know any “chumps” personally? Vague replies. Len grins slyly, more animation than I usually get from him. “Yeah, I knew one,” he says. “Hit him over the head with my shovel.” It happened three weeks ago, at work. “See what I mean?” says Len. “I was working on this building site. Driving a dump truck. I got sick, y’know. Out two days. While I was gone this chump tells the boss he can drive a truck too. When I comes back there he is in my cab. I tell him to get down out of my truck and he says no he will not. So me and my mates pull him down and I hit him over the head with my shovel.” Ginger says, “What are you gonna do with people who come to take your jobs? How much you willin’ to work for, Len?” Len says, five hundred and fifty to seven hundred and seven hundred fifty quid a week. “No,” says Ginger, “I mean, how much would you ask for?” Len says staunchly, “I would work for four hundred and fifty quid.” “See,” says Ginger. “Guv’nor knows Len will not work for less than four hundred and fifty quid, a chump will come along who says two fifty quid and he is the one who gets the job.” Len, Dave and Ginger all left school at 15. They are 18 now. Len is a casual laborer, Dave a public service worker, while Ginger is an assistant to a skilled craftsman. #RandolphHarris 5 of 16

Dave says, “Four years.” Ginger says, “Four almighty years.” Len says, “Four years is a long time.” The boys are genuinely in awe. Len snaps out of it. “Four bloody years for that? Salmon, that Yid.” When the boys talk it is with a peculiar, rushing, staccato tempo which is the trademark of their group. Dave and Ginger swear the chumps are lazy, and that the “guv’nors” prefer them to the native-born Englishmen; that they live on nothing a week, and spend all their money on offensive hedonisms, and are worse than savages. Do they resent the chumps for fighting back? “Bloody well do,” says Dave. “What right they got comin’ to this country, anyway? We get the worst types.” All agree that the chump immigrants ought to be returned to their source, but if they are not, to serve docilely as fair game for mobs. Len says, “On the second day I got me a few. Fell in with this crowd chasing chumps. We saw a chump conductor on a trolley bus. We chased it. All the people in the bus ran out. But I did not get to the chump. The mob was in there before me.” I asked Len I he was disappointed. He nods sadly. “That is all right,” he says. “Later on, on the corner there was this gang, and they was kicking this chump on the ground. I ran up and got a few kicks in too.” I asked him if he thought this was fair. “Yeah, it was fair,” he says. Dave and Ginger leave for a ride on Dave’s motorbike. Len and I watch them roar away. #RandolphHarris 6 of 16

The quest for power is, as we have seen, a protection against helplessness and against insignificance. This latter function it shares with the quest for prestige. The neurotic that falls in this group develops a stringent need to impress others, to be admired and respected. One will have fantasies of impressing others with beauty or intelligence or with some outstanding accomplishment; one will spend money lavishly and conspicuously; one will have to be able to talk about the latest books and plays, and to know prominent people. One will not be able to have anyone as a friend, husband, wife, employee, who does not admire one. If one does not receive admiration, one’s entire self-esteem rests on being admired, and shrinks to nothing. Because of one’s excessive sensitivity, and because one is continually sensing humiliations, life is a constant ordeal. Often one is unaware of feeling humiliated, because the knowledge would be too painful; but whether aware of it or not, one reacts to any such feeling with rage proportionate to the pain felt. Hence this attitude leads to a constant generation of new hostility and new anxiety. For purposes of mere description such a person could be called narcissistic. #RandolphHarris 7 of 16

If one is considered dynamically, however, the term is misleading because, though one is constantly preoccupied with inflating one’s ego, one does it not primarily for the sake of self-love, but for the sake of protecting oneself against a feeling of insignificance and humiliation, or, in beneficial terms, for the sake of repairing a crushed self-esteem. The more distant one’s relations with others, the more one’s quest for prestige can be internalized; it appears then as a need to be infallible and wonderful in one’s own eyes. Every shortcoming, whether recognized as such or only felt dimly, is considered humiliation. Protection against helplessness and insignificance or humiliation can be had also, in our culture, by striving for possession, inasmuch as wealth gives both power and prestige. The irrational quest for possession is so widespread in our culture that one recognizes that it is not a general human instinct, either in the form of an acquisitive instinct or in the form of a sublimation of biologically founded drives. Even in our culture compulsive striving for possession vanishes as soon as the anxieties determining it are diminished or removed. The specific fear against which possession is a protection is that of impoverishment, destitution, dependence on others. #RandolphHarris 8 of 16

The fear of impoverishment may be a whip driving a person to work incessantly and never miss a chance of earning money. The defensive character of this striving shows in one’s inability to use one’s money for the sake of greater enjoyment. The quest for possession need not be directed only toward money or material things, but may appear as a possessive attitude toward others and serve as a protection against losing affection. As the phenomenon of possessiveness is well known, particularly from its appearance in marriages, where law supplies a legal basis for such claims, and as its characteristics are much the same as those described when discussing the quest for power, I shall not give special examples here. The strivings I have described served, as I have said, not only as reassurance against anxiety but also as a means of releasing hostility. Depending on which striving is dominant, this hostility takes the form of a tendency to domineer, a tendency to humiliate or a tendency to deprive others. The domineering characteristic of the neurotic striving for power does not necessarily appear openly as hostility toward others. It may be disguised in socially valuable or humanistic forms, appearing for example as an attitude of giving advice, liking to manage other persons’ affairs, taking the initiative or lead. #RandolphHarris 9 of 16

However, if there is hostility concealed in such attitudes, the other persons—children, marriage partners, employees—will feel it and react either with submissiveness or with opposition. The neurotic oneself is usually unaware of the hostility involved. Even if one becomes infuriated when things do not go one’s way, one still maintains one’s belief that one is essentially a gentle soul who is annoyed only because people are so ill advised to oppose one. What actually takes place, however, is that the neurotic’s hostility is pressed into civilized forms and breaks out when one does not succeed in having one’s own way. The occasions of one’s irritation may be of a kind which other persons would not feel as opposition, such as a mere difference in opinion or failure to follow one’s advice. Yet considerable rage may be generated by such trifles. One might consider the domineering attitude a safety valve through which a certain amount of hostility may be discharged in a non-destructive way. Since it is itself an attenuated expression of hostility it provides a means of checking purely destructive impulses. The rage arising from opposition may be repressed and, as we have seen, the repressed hostility may then result in new anxiety. This may manifest itself in depression or fatigue. #RandolphHarris 10 of 16

Since the occasions which arouse these reactions are so insignificant that they escape attention, and since the neurotic is not aware of one’s own reactions, such depressions or anxiety states may seem to have no external stimulation. Only accurate observation can gradually uncover the connection between the stimulating event and the subsequent reactions. A further peculiarity resulting from the compulsion to domineer is the person’s incapacity to have any fifty-fifty relationships. One either has to lead or one feel entirely lost, dependent and helpless. One is so autocratic that everything falling short of complete domination is felt as subjugation. If one’s anger is repressed the repression may result in one’s feeling depressed, discouraged, and fatigued. What is felt as helplessness may, however, be only a circuitous way of assuring dominance or of expression hostility for not being able to lead. A woman, to cite an example, was taking a walk with her husband in a foreign city, and up to a certain point, she had studied a map in advance, and too the lead. However, when they came to places and streets she had not studied on the map, and where she consequently felt insecure, she yielded the guidance of the walk altogether to her husband. And although she had been gay and active until then, she suddenly felt overwhelmed by fatigue, and could hardly put one foot before the other. #RandolphHarris 11 of 16

Most of us know relationships between marriage partners, siblings, friends, in which the neurotic person acts like a slave driver, using one’s helplessness as a whip in order to compel the other to serve one’s will, in order to command unending attention and help. It is characteristic of these situations that the neurotic person never benefits from the efforts made for one, but responds only with renewed complaints and renewed demands, or worse, with accusations that one is neglected and abused. The same behavior can be observed in the process of analysis. Patients of this kind may ask desperately for help, yet not only will fail to follow any suggestion, but they will express resentment at not being helped. If they do receive help by reaching an understanding of some peculiarity they immediately fall back into the previous vexation and, as if nothing had been done, they will manage to erase the insight which was the result of the analyst’s hard labor. Then the patient compels the analyst to put in new efforts which again are doomed to failure. The patient may receive a double satisfaction from such a situation: by presenting oneself as helpless one receives a sort of triumph at being able to compel the analyst to slave in one’s service. #RandolphHarris 12 of 16

At the same time this strategy tends to elicit feelings of helplessness in the analyst, and thus, since one’s own entanglements prevent one from dominating in a constructive way, one finds a possibility of destructive domination. Needless to say, the satisfaction gained in this way is entirely unconscious, just as the technique used in order to gain it is applied unconsciously. All that the patient oneself is aware of is that one is in great need of help, and does not get it. Hence the patient not only feels completely justified in one’s own eyes in acting as one does, but one also feels that one has a good right to be angry with the analyst. At the same time one cannot help registering the fact that one is playing an insidious game and consequently one is afraid of discovery and retaliation. Therefore in defense one feels it necessary to strengthen one’s position, and one does this by turning the tables. It is not that one is secretly carrying out some destructive aggression, but that the analyst is neglecting, cheating and abusing one. This position, however, can be assumed and maintained with conviction only if one really feels victimized. Not only has a person in this condition no interest in recognizing that one is not maltreated, but on the contrary one has a strong interest in maintaining one’s belief. #RandolphHarris 13 of 16

One’s insistence that one is being victimized often gives rise to the impression that one wants to be maltreated. In reality one wants it as little as any of us wants it, but one’s belief in being maltreated has acquired too important a function to be given up easily. There may be so much hostility involved in the domineering attitude that it creates a new anxiety. This may then result in such inhibitions as an inability to give orders, to be decisive, to express a precise opinion, with the result that the neurotic often appears unduly complaint. This in turn leads one to mistake one’s inhibition for an innate softness. The need to satisfy one’s need for affection, approval, and feel safe is so compelling that everything one does is oriented toward its fulfillment. In the process one develops certain qualities and attitudes that mold one’s character. Some of these could be called endearing: one becomes sensitive to the needs of others—within the frame of what one is able to understand emotionally. For example, though one is likely to be quite oblivious to a detached person’s wish to be aloof, one will be alert to another’s need for sympathy, help, approval, and so on. One tries automatically to live up to the expectations of others, or to what one believes to be their expectations of others, or to what one believes to be their expectations, often to the extent of losing sight of one’s own feelings. #RandolphHarris 14 of 16

One becomes unselfish, self-sacrificing, undemanding—expect for one’s unbound desire for affection. One becomes complaint, overconsiderate—within the limits possible for one—overappreciative, overgrateful, generous. One blinds oneself to the fact that in one’s heart of hearts one does not care much for others and tends to regard them as hypocritical and self-seeking. However, if I may use conscious terms for what goes on unconsciously—one persuades oneself that one likes everyone, that they are all nice and trustworthy, a fallacy which not only makes for heartbreaking disappointments but adds to one’s general insecurity. These qualities are not as valuable as they appear to the person oneself, particularly since one does not consult one’s own feelings or judgment but gives blindly to others all that one is driven to want from them—and because one is profoundly disturbed if the returns fail to materialize. The belief that we have to travel to far places for the light of Truth is not really true but our own feebleness may have to make it true. As soon as we settle down in hope and confidence to discover the deeper forces within ourselves they begin to become active. We delude ourselves with the dream that we are travelling to Italy or to Austria; it is not we who are travelling, but the ship, plane, train, or car. #RandolphHarris 15 of 16

We only travel when our souls move out of their narrow encasements and seek a larger life. And that can happen anywhere: it might be at our own familiar fireside at the bidding of an illumined book; it might come, of course, with our first view of the Winchester Mansion. However, merely to move our bodies from one place to a distant one, without a corresponding movement of the soul, is not travel; it is dissipation. It is then just a matter of consuming and taking in power which is already yours. The strength of your opposition will depend on the intensity of these hindrances that keep the various levels of your consciousness isolated from each other. Preparation for this work is important. Your thoughts, words, and deeds must reflect the objective of overcoming the specific force. You are a living God. Act as one and devour the tyrant. Not just for your liberation but the liberation of all of creation. Win. Become a cyclone of love and light which is noting, yet everything in existence. The enemy will have nothing to attack. They will have no strategy to counter for they are facing the divine source of self which is anthropomorphic incarnate manifestation of God upon the corporeal plane. “For behold, the Lord had blessed them so long with riches of the World that they had not been stirred up to anger, to wars, nor to bloodshed,” reports Helaman 6.17. #RandolphHarris 16 of 16

CRESLEIGH RIVERSIDE AT PLUMAS RANCH

Plumas Lake, CA | from the low $400,000’s

Now Selling!

Cresleigh Riverside is now selling! Nestled at the southern end of Plumas Lake, bordering an orchard to the west, Cresleigh Riverside is home to the largest home sites in the three Plumas Ranch communities. Its executive-style residences feature space and amenities that are well beyond the norm – many on country lots that back up to the Ranch’s adjacent fruit orchards. With four floor plans available, we are certain you will find the home that fits your needs and lifestyle. Popular design elements include open floor plans, large kitchen islands, and flex spaces are staples in Cresleigh homes. Additional game rooms, bedroom space and three-car garages provide other custom possibilities.

Residence Three is the largest of the single story homes offered in Cresleigh Riverside. At 2,827 square feet you’ll be hard pressed to a contemporary floorplan that offers this much space. There are four bedrooms, two and one half bathrooms, and a three car garage. Utilize the den as your own private study or convert into an optional fifth bedroom if needed. The Dining Room and Kitchen are well situated to make entertaining a breeze. The location of the Master Suite makes it feel like a separate wing from the rest of the home allowing for maximum privacy and retreat.

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