Only wondering. In my room I told myself that all beauty was contained in the ever changing waves of the sea. I had to believe it. But oh, the great World is such a wilderness of marvels. I am very happy. And my soul is not on guard. And I am free. Moral obliquity and consequently lack of good sense; for it has long been accepted that lack of good sense is due to no other cause than moral obliquity. Put it to the test and cast your eyes upon the history of humankind. What will you see? It is a grand spectacle? Grand, if you like. Take the Colossus of Rhodes, for instance, that is worth something. With good reason Mr. Anaevsky testifies of it that some say that it is the work of human hands, while others maintain that it has been created by Nature herself. Is it many-colored? It may be it is many-colored, too: if one takes the dress uniforms, military and civilian, of all peoples in the ages—that alone is worth something, and if you take the undress uniforms you will never get to the end of it; no historian would be equal to the job. Is it monotonous? It may be it is: it is fighting and fighting; they are fighting now, they fought first and they fought last—you will admit that it I almost too monotonous. In short, one may say anything about this history of the World—anything that might enter the most disordered imagination. #RandolphHarris 1 of 21

The only thing one cannot say is that it is rational. The very word sticks in one’s throat. And, indeed, this is the odd thing that is continually happening: there are continually turning up in life moral and rational persons, sages and lovers of humanity, who make it their object to live all their lives as morally and rationally as possible, to be, so to speak, a light to their neighbors simply in order to show them that it is possible to live morally and rationally in this World. And yet we all know that these very people sooner or later have been false to themselves, playing some queer trick, often a most unseemly one. Now I ask you: what can be expected of a being since one is being endowed with such strange qualities? Shower upon one every Earthly blessing, drown one in a sea of happiness, so that nothing but bubbles of bliss can be seen on the surface; give one economic prosperity, such that one should have nothing else to do but sleep, eat cakes and busy oneself with the continuation of one’s species, and even then out of sheer ingratitude, sheer spite, beings would play you some nasty trick. One would even risk one’s cakes and would deliberately desire the most fatal rubbish, the most uneconomical absurdity, simply to introduce into all the beneficial good sense one’s fatal fantastic element. #RandolphHarris 2 of 21

 It is just one’s fantastic dreams, one’s vulgar folly, that one will desire to retain, simply in order to prove to oneself—as thought that were so necessary—that beings still are beings and not the keys of a piano, which the laws of nature threaten to control so completely that son one will be able to desire nothing but by the calendar. And that is not all: even if this were proved to one by natural science and mathematics, even then one would not become reasonable, but would purposely do something perverse out of simple ingratitude, simply to gain one’s point! One will launch a curse upon the World, and as only beings can curse (it is one’s privilege, the primary distinction between one and other animals) it may be by one’s curse alone one will attain one’s object—that is, convince oneself that one is a being and not a piano-key! If you say that all this, too, can be calculated and tabulated—chaos and darkness and curses, so that the mere possibility of calculating it all beforehand would stop it all, and reason would reassert itself—then beings would purposely go mad in order to be rid of reason and gain one’s point! I believe in it, I answer for it, for the whole work of beings really seems to consist in nothing but proving to oneself every minute that one is a human and not a piano-Key! #RandolphHarris 3 of 21

It may be at the cost of one’s skin, it may be by cannibalism! And this being so, can one help being tempted to rejoice that it has not yet come off, and that desire still depends on something we do not know? You will scream at me (that is, if you condescend to do so) that no one is touching my free will, that all they are concerned with is that my will should of itself, of its own free will, coincide with my own normal interests, with the laws of nature and arithmetic. Good Heavens, gentlemen and ladies, what sort of free will is left when we come to tabulation and arithmetic, when it will all be a case of twice two makes four? Twice two makes four without my will. As if free will meant that! Gentlemen and ladies, I am joking, and I know myself that my jokes are not brilliant, but you know one cannot take everything as a joke. I am, perhaps, jesting against the grain. Gentlemen and ladies, I am tormented by questions; answer them for me. You, for instance, want to cure men and women of their old habits and reform their will in accordance with science and good sense. However, how do you know, not only that it is possible, but also that it is desirable, to reform beings in that way? And what leads you to the conclusion that being’s inclinations need reforming? In short, how do you know that such a reformation will be the benefit to beings? #RandolphHarris 4 of 21

And to go to the root of the matter, why are you so absolutely convinced that not to act against one’s real normal interests guaranteed by the conclusions of reason and arithmetic is certainly always advantageous for beings and must always be a law for humankind? So far, you know, this is only your supposition. It may be the law of logic, but not the law of humanity. You think, gentlemen and ladies, perhaps that I am mad? Allow me to defend myself. I agree that beings are pre-eminently a creative animal, predestined to strive consciously for an object and to engage in engineering—that is, incessantly and eternally to make new roads, wherever they may lead. However, the reason why one want sometimes to go off at a tangent may just be that one is predestined to make the road, and perhaps, too, that however stupid the “direct” practical being may be, the thought sometimes will occur to one that the road almost most always does lead somewhere, and that the destination it leads to is less important than the process of making it, and that the chief thing is to save the well-conducted child from despising engineering, and so giving way to the fatal idleness, which, as we all know, is the mother of all the vices. Beings like to make roads and to create, that is a fact beyond dispute. How why have such a passionate love for destruction and chaos also? Tell me that! #RandolphHarris 5 of 21

But on that point, I want to say a couple of words myself. May it not be that one loves chaos and destruction (there can be no disputing that one does sometimes love it) because one is instinctively afraid of attaining one’s object and completing the edifice one is constructing? Who knows, perhaps one only loves that edifice from a distance, and is by no means in love with it at close quarters; perhaps one only loves building it and does not want to live in it, but will leave it, when completed, for the use of les animaux domestiques—such as the ants, the sheep, and so on. Now the ants have quite a different taste. They have a marvelous edifice of that pattern which endures for ever—the ant-heap. With the ant-heap the respectable race of ants began and with the ant-heap they will probably end, which does the greatest credit to their perseverance and good sense. However, beings are a frivolous and incongruous creature, and perhaps, like a chess-player, loves the process of the game, not the end of it. And who knows (there is no saying with certainty), perhaps the only goal on Earth to which humankind is striving lies in this incessant process of attaining, in other words, in life itself, and not in the thing to be attained, which must always be expressed as a formula, as absolute as twice two makes four, and such absoluteness is not life, gentlemen and ladies, but is the beginning of death. #RandolphHarris 6 of 21

Anyway, beings have always been afraid of this mathematical certainty, and I am afraid of it now. Granted that beings does nothing but seek that mathematical certainty, one traverses oceans, sacrifices one’s life in the quest, but to succeed, really to find it, one dreads, I assure you. One feels that when one has found it there will be nothing for one to look for. When workmen and women have finished their work they do at least receive their pay, they go to the tavern, then they are taken to the police-station—and there is occupation for a week. However, where can beings go? Anyway, one can observe a certain awkwardness about one when one has attained such objects. One loves the process of attaining, but does not quite like to have attained, and that, of course, is very absurd. In fact, beings are a comical creature; there seems to be a kind of jest in it all. However yet, mathematical certainty is, after all, something insufferable. Twice two makes four seems to me simply a piece of insolence. Twice two makes four is a pert coxcomb who stands with arms akimbo barring your path and spitting. I admit that twice two makes four is an excellent thing, but if we are to give everything its due, twice two makes five is sometimes a very charming thing too. #RandolphHarris 7 of 21

And why are you so firmly, so triumphantly, convinced that only the normal and the absolute—in other words, only what is conducive to the welfare—is for the advantage of the being? Is not reason in error as regards advantage? Do not being, perhaps, love something besides well-being? Perhaps one is just as fond of suffering? Perhaps suffering is just as great a benefit to one as well-being? Beings are sometimes extraordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering, and that is a fact. There is no need to appeal to universal history to prove that; only ask yourself, if you are a being and have lived at all. As far as my personal opinion is concerned, to care only for well-being seems to be absolutely ill-bred. Whether it is good or bad, it is sometimes very pleasant, too, to smash things, so I am told. I hold no brief for suffering nr for well-being either. I am standing for…my caprice, and for its being guaranteed to me when necessary. Suffering would be out of place in vaudevilles, for instance; I know that. In the “Palace of Crystal” it is unthinkable; suffering means doubt, negation, and what would be the good of a “Palace of Crystal” if there could be any doubt about it? And yet I think beings will never renounce real suffering, that is, destruction and chaos. Why, suffering is the sole origin of consciousness. Though I did lay it down at the beginning that consciousness is the greatest misfortune for beings, yet I know being prize it and would not give it up for any satisfaction. #RandolphHarris 8 of 21

Consciousness, for instance, is infinitely superior to twice two makes four. Once you have mathematical certainty there is nothing left to do or to understand. There will be nothing left but to bottle up your five sense and plunge into contemplation. While if you stick to consciousness, even though the same result is attained, you can at least flog yourself at times, and that will, at any rate, liven you up. Reactionary as it is, corporal punishment is better than nothing. You believe in a palace of crystal that can never be destroyed—a palace at which one will not be able to put out one’s tongue or make a long nose on the sly. And perhaps that is just why I am afraid of this edifice that it is of crystal and can never be destroyed and that one cannot put one’s tongue out at it even on the sly. You see, if it were not a palace, but a hen-house, I might creep into it to avoid getting wet, and yet I would not call the hen-house a palace out of gratitude to it for keeping me dry. You laugh and say that in such circumstances a hen-house is as good as a Cresleigh mansion. Yes, I answer, if one had to live simply to keep out of the rain. However, what is to be done if I have taken it into my head that that is not the only object in life, and that if one must live one had better live in a Cresleigh mansion. That is my choice, my desire. You will only eradicate it when you have changed my preference. #RandolphHarris 9 of 21

Well, do change it, allure me with something else, give me another ideal. However, meanwhile I will not take a hen-house for a mansion. The palace of crystal may be an idle dream, it may be that it is inconsistent with the laws of nature and that I have invented it only through my own stupidity, through the old-fashioned irrational habits of my generation. However, what does it matter to me that it is inconsistent? That makes no difference since it exists in my desires, or rather exists as long as my desires exist. Perhaps you are laughing again? Laugh away; I will put up with any mockery rather than pretend that I am satisfied when I am hungry. I know, anyway, that I will not be put off with a compromise, with a recurring zero, simply because it is consistent with the laws of nature and actually exists. I will not accept as the crown of my desires a block of buildings with tenements for the poor on a lease of a thousand years, and perhaps with a sign-board of dentist hanging out. Destroy my desires, eradicate my ideals, show me something better, and I will follow you. You will say, perhaps, that is not worth your trouble; but in that case I can give you the same answer. We are discussing things seriously; but if you will not deign to give me your attention, I will drop your acquaintance. I can retreat into my underground hole. #RandolphHarris 10 of 21

However, while I am alive and have desires I would rather my hand were withered off than bring one brick to such a building! Do not remind me that I have just rejected the palace f crystal for the sole reason that one cannot put out one’s tongue at it. I did not say that because I am so fond of putting my tongue out. Perhaps the thing I resented was, that of all your edifices there has not been one at which one could not put out one’s tongue. On the contrary, if things could be so arranged that I should lose all desire to put it out, I would let my tongue be cut off out of gratitude. It is not my fault that things cannot be so arranged, and that one must be satisfied with model flats. Then why am I made with such desires? Can I have been constructed simply in order to come to the conclusion that all my construction is a cheat? Can this be my whole purpose? I do not believe it. However, you know what: I am convinced that we underground fold ought to be kept on a curb. Though we may sit forty years underground without speaking, when we do come out into the light of day and break out we talk and talk and talk…When an individual enters the presence of others, they commonly seek to acquire information about one or to bring into play information about one already possessed. #RandolphHarris 11 of 21

They will be interested in one’s general socioeconomic status, one’s conception of self, one’s attitude toward them, one’s competence, one’s trustworthiness, and so forth. Although some of this information seems to be sought almost as an end in itself, there are usually quite practical reasons for acquiring it. Information about the individual helps to define the situation, enabling others to know in advance what one will expect of them and what they may expect of one. Informed in these ways, the others will know how best to act in order to all forth a desired response from one. For those resent, many sources of information become accessible and many carriers (of “sign-vehicles”) become available for conveying this information. If unacquainted with the individual, observers can glean clues from one’s conduct and appearance which allow them to apply their previous experience with individuals roughly similar to the one before them or, more important, to apply untested stereotypes to one. They can rely on what the individual says about oneself or on a documentary evidence one provides as to who and what one is. If they know, or know of, the individual by virtue of experience prior to the interaction, they can rely on assumptions as to the persistence and generality of psychological traits as a means of predicting one’s present and future behavior. #RandolphHarris 12 of 21

However, during the period in which the individual is in the immediate presence of others, few events may occur which directly provide the others with the conclusive information they will need if they are to direct wisely their own activity. Many crucial facts are possessed beyond the time and place of interaction or are possessed concealed within it. For example, the “true” or “real” attitudes, beliefs, and emotions of the individual can be ascertained only indirectly, through one’s avowals or through what appears to be involuntary expressive behavior. Similarly, if the individual offers the others a product or service, they will often find that during the interaction there will be no time and place immediately available for eating the pudding that the proof can be found in. They will be forced to accept some events as conventional or natural signs of something not directly available to the senses. The individual will have to act so that one intentionally or unintentionally expresses oneself, and the others will in turn have to be impressed in some way by one. However, an attitude that may characterize a neurotic in one’s striving for power is the desire to have one’s own way. If others do not do exactly what one expects of them and exactly at the time one expects it, it may be a constant source of acute irritation to one. #RandolphHarris 13 of 21

The attitude of impatience is closely connected with this aspect of the striving for power. Any kind of delay, any enforced waiting, even if only for traffic lights, will become a source of irritation. More often than not the neurotic oneself is not aware of the existence, or at least of the extent, of one’s bossing attitude. It is a fact definitely to one’s interest not to recognize it and not to change it, because it has important protective functions. Nor should others recognize it, because if they do there is a danger of losing their affection. This lack of awareness has important implications for love relationships. If a lover or husband does not exactly live up to expectations, of one is late, does not telephone or text message or email, goes out of town, a neurotic woman feels that one does not love her. Instead of recognizing that what she feels is a plain anger reaction to a lack of compliance with wishes of her own, which as often as not are inarticulate, she interprets the situation as evidence that she is unwanted. This fallacy is very frequent indeed in our culture, and it contribute greatly to the feeling of being unwanted which is often a crucial factor in neuroses. As a rule it is learned from parents. A dominating mother feeling resentment about a child’s disobedience will believe, and declare, that the child does not love her. #RandolphHarris 14 of 21

A queer contradiction often arises on this basis which may considerably frustrate any love relationships. Neurotic girls cannot love a “weak” man because of their contempt for any weakness; but neither can they cope with a “strong” man because they expect their partner always to give in. Hence what they secretly look for is the hero, the superstrong man, who at the same time is so weak that he will bend to all their wishes without hesitance. If we want to see how conflict develops, we must not focus too sharply on the individual trends but rather take a panoramic view of the main directions in which a person can and does move under these circumstances. Though we lose sight for a while of details we shall gain a clearer perspective of the essential moves made to cope with the environment. At first a rather chaotic picture may present itself, but out of in time three main lines crystallize: a being can move toward people, against them, or away from them. When moving toward people one accepts one’s own helplessness, and in spite of one’s estrangement and fears tries to win affection of others and to lean on them. Only in this way can one feel safe with them. If there are dissenting parities in the family, one will attach oneself to the most powerful person or group. By complying with them, one gains a feeling of belonging and support which makes one feel less weak and less isolated. #RandolphHarris 15 of 21

When one moved against people one accepts and takes for granted the hostility around one, and determines, consciously or unconsciously, to fight. One implicitly distrusts the feelings and intentions of others toward oneself. One rebels in whatever ways are open to him or her. One wants to be the stronger and defect them, partly for one’s own protection, partly for revenge. When one moves away from people one wants neither to belong nor to fight, but keeps apart. One feels one has not much in common with them, they do not understand one anyhow. One builds up a World of one’s own—with nature, with one’s dolls, one’s books, one’s dreams. In each of these three attitudes, one of the elements involved in basic anxiety is overemphasized: helplessness in the first, hostility in the second, and isolation in the third. However, the fact is that the individual cannot make anyone of these moves wholeheartedly, because under the conditions in which the attitude develop, all are bound to be present. What we have seen from our panoramic view is only the predominant move. In a predominantly learning and complying type of person we can observe aggressive propensities and some need for detachment. A predominantly hostile personas a complaint strain and needs detachment too. And a detached personality is not without hostility or a desire for affection. #RandolphHarris 16 of 21

The predominant attitude, however, is the one that most strongly determines that actual conduct. It represents those ways and means of coping with others in which the particular person feels most at home. Thus a detached person will as a matter of course use all unconscious techniques for keeping others at a safe distance because one feels at a loss in any situation that requires close association with them. Moreover, the ascendant attitude is often but not always the one most acceptable to the person’s conscious mind. This does not mean that the less conspicuous attitudes are less powerful. It would often be difficult to say, for instance, whether in an apparently dependent, compliant person the wish to dominate is of inferior intensity to the need for affection; one’s ways of expressing one’s aggressive impulses are merely more indirect. That the potency of the submerged tendencies may be very great is evidenced by the many instances in which the attitude accorded predominance is reversed. We can see such reversal in child,  but it occurs in late life as well. A good illustration is  how a girl formerly tomboyish, ambitious, rebellious, when she falls in love may turn into a compliant, dependent woman, apparently without ambition. Or, under pressure of crushing experiences, a detached person may become morbidly dependent. #RandolphHarris 17 of 21

Changes like these, it should be added, throw some light on the frequent question whether later experience counts for nothing, whether we are definitely channeled, condition once and for all, by our childhood situation. Looking at neurotic development from the point of view of conflicts enables us to give a more adequate answer than is usually offered. These are the possibilities: If the early situation is not too prohibitive of spontaneous growth, later experiences, particularly in adolescence, can have a molding influence. If, however, the impact of early experiences has been powerful enough to have molded the child to a rigid pattern, no new experience will be able to break through. In part this is because one’s rigidity does not leave one open to any new experience: one’s detachment, for instance, may be too great to permit of anyone’s coming close to one, or one’s dependence so deep-rooted that one is forced always to play a subordinate role and invite exploitation. In part it is because one will interpret any new experience in the language of one’s established pattern: the aggressive type, for instance, meeting with friendliness, will view it either as a manifestation of stupidity or an attempt to exploit one; the new experience will tend only to reinforce the old pattern. #RandolphHarris 18 of 21

When a neurotic does adopt a different attitude it may look as if later experiences had brought about a change in personality. However, the change is not as radical as it appears. Actually what has happened is that combined internal and external pressures have forced one to abandon one’s predominant attitude in favor of the other extreme—but this change would not have taken place if there had been no conflict to begin with. From the point of view of the normal person there is no reason why the three attitudes should be mutually exclusive. One should be capable of giving in to others, of fighting, and keeping to oneself. The three can complement each other and make for a harmonious whole. If one predominates, it merely indicates an overdevelopment along one line. However, in neurosis there are several reasons why these attitudes are irreconcilable. The neurotic is not flexible; one is driven to comply, to fight, to be aloof, regardless of whether the move is appropriate in the particular circumstance, and one is thrown into a panic if one behaves otherwise. Hence, when all three attitudes are present in any strong degree, one is bound to be caught in a severe conflict. Another factor, and one that considerably widens the scope of the conflict, is that the attitudes do not remain restricted to the area of human relationships but gradually pervade the entire personality, as a malignant tumor pervades the whole organic tissue. #RandolphHarris 19 of 21

They end by encompassing not only the person’s relation to others but also one’s relation to oneself and to life in general. If we are not fully aware of this all-embracing character, the temptation is to think of the resulting conflict in categorical terms, like love versus hate, compliance versus defiance, submissiveness versus domination, and so on. That, however, would be as misleading as to distinguish fascism from democracy by focusing on any single opposing feature, such as their difference in approach to religion or power. These are differences certainly, but exclusive emphasis upon them would serve to obscure the point that democracy and fascism are Worlds apart and represent two philosophies of life entirely incompatible with each other. It is not accidental that a conflict that starts with our relation to others in time affect the whole personality. Human relationships are so crucial that they are bound to mold the qualities we develop, the goals we set for ourselves, the values we believe in. All these in turn react upon our relations with others and so are inextricably interwoven. My contention is that the conflict born of incompatible attitudes constitutes the core of neurosis and therefore deserves to be called basic. And let me add that I use the term core not merely in the figurative sense of its being significant but to emphasize that fact that it is the dynamic center from which neuroses emanate. #RandolphHarris 20 of 21

This contention is the nucleus of a new theory of neurosis whose implications will become apparent in what follow. Broadly considered, the theory may be viewed as an elaboration of my earlier concept that neuroses are an expression of a disturbance in human relationships. The quest says one is not so helpless as one thinks one is. Why give oneself up so unresisteningly to the tendencies one finds in one’s heart, to the thoughts one find in one’s mind, to the inward domination of one’s possession and passion? Why be do soft-willed as to refrain from making any effort at all on the plea that one must accept oneself as one finds oneself? When you come out of the other side of this experience and you make your way out of the cage your whole perception of life and this World will have changed. These Hell realms will at this point no longer be focal points of initiation. They will have become steps upon the manifestation of desire and the path of ascent. Earth will become the path to the fulfillment of your purpose and personal divine plan. It is at this point you will be empowered to mold eternal darkness which permeates all into divine light. This is to Become a Living God. “See how I love your precepts; preserve my life, O LORD, according to your love. All your words are true; all your righteous laws are eternal,” reports Psalm 119.15-16. #RandolphHarris 21 of 21

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