Most of us underestimate how challenging it is to raise a child. We may have certain beliefs and imaginings about how it must be like to have children. That is until you first baby is born. At birth, people are the most helpless and dependent of all beings. A child is born with needs, and with little in the way of built-in methods or techniques for meeting those needs. However, people are born into groups that care about them, so their needs for survival and nurturance are met and the individual flourishes. One also acquires attitudes and feeling about that first group—the family—that are crucial for the development of other attitudes and feelings that one will have in one’s social life. One of the first attitudes to develop is trust, so a child learns fairly quickly to depend on mother, on father, on siblings, on the family unit, and then, hopefully, on other people. In spiritual matters, trust includes relying on God and his spirit. To be trusted, we must first learn what it is to trust somebody else. We must feel the confidence in their words and promises. Who better to trust, and learn trust from, than our Heavenly Father? “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart,” Proverbs 3.5. Trusting that God will guide us requires a great deal of faith. And faith is developed over time through obedience and our best efforts. #RandolphHarris 1 of 11

Growing up, our attitude-feeling of dependence on others is important for survival, for it consists of trust, affection, belief, hope, expectation, anticipation, and many other important social attitudes. Trust does start an important potential sequence of psychosocial attitudes moving. There are, however, some negative side effects that must also be considered in this situation. Dependence may become a clinging, parasitic kind of relationship-attitude. One of the most common problems found among alcoholics and addicts is a dependency conflict. This does not mean they do or do not depend on anything. It means that they seem to have an intrapsychic conflict over their dependency patterns. Intrapsychic conflict means that within their own personalities two or more parts or aspects of the personality differ in some response or perception. In long term psychotherapy with alcoholics and addicts manifest such a dependency conflict we have found many situations like the following (a composite of several actual statements): When I was really small, I remember how wonderful it was to be around my mom. She always took time out from whatever she was doing to talk to me, to play with me, to make or do something for me. I was the most important thing to her. #RandolphHarris 2 of 11

Then my little sister was born. I found my mom giving her some of the time and attention that I had always gotten. I resented the little brat! However, I know that is wrong. You should not hate an innocent little kid who is not doing anything but being alive. However, I did! At times I still hate her. Sometimes I hate my mom for not being two people, or for not being able to give all her time and attention to me and my sister. I tried to find another mom in my teachers, but everytime I did what was necessary to make special friends with one of them, they withdrew, or another kid teased me and called me “Kiss-up!” I wish those kids would drop dead. Aw, but that is not a nice thing to feel either. Take my wife now. You would think she would be glad for all the attention I give her. I only want her to know how much I need and love her. However, sometimes she spends so much time with the baby that I never get to her until she is so beat and exhausted. Well, she things I demand too much of her sometimes. Not that she is not a great little woman, my wife. However, sometimes I hear her complaining about me or the kids making too many demands, and I swear I can hear my mother’s voice. Funny thing! #RandolphHarris 3 of 11

In the above excerpt are several examples of the dependency conflict. The most common example is in the excessive attachment to the nurturing figure, usually the mother. Also there is some kind of guilt or shame because of a realization of the attachment. We also find resentment at having to share the mother, hostility toward the ones with whom the sharing must be done, and then self-recrimination (the act or an instance of blaming or censuring oneself) for the hostility. These are usually extremely sensitive people who feel many emotions quite keenly and are often aware of how other people may feel. Frequently the dependency cycle is repeated with teachers, aunts, older siblings, law enforcement, clergy, Sunday School teachers, dates, and eventually spouses. Some parents’ style of behavior reinforces and supports the dependency of their children, with the long-range consequence that the child is incapable of functioning adequately on one’s own. In some cases, the persons in the authority position are using the subordinate person to meet many of their own needs. They would probably be indignant and hurt if it were suggested that they are selfish, for being self-centered in the sense that they are concerned about themselves at someone else’s expense, which may not be part of their conscious motivation. #RandolphHarris 4 of 11

People who make the children dependent on them are in a real sense selfish, for they have unknowingly been meeting more of their own needs without considering the long-term well-being of their children. However, there are times when dependency is legitimate and useful. Occasions will arise in which a person needs help beyond one’s own resources. All of us must at times depend on others—doctors, teachers, counselors, repairmen, friends, parents—when conditions face us that are beyond our resources to handle effectively alone. Dependency becomes unreasonable when a person no longer seeks to develop one’s own resources to move to a more collaborative stance with persons in authority, but automatically assumes one cannot do anything without the guidance, support, and influence of others. A man with a dependency conflict of the type mentioned above will probably marry a woman who has a strong need to be a mother. She may complain and berate her husband for his clinging, yet unconsciously be very glad for it: it gives her the necessary assurance that she is needed and important. When the man attempts to solve his conflicts with alcohol, she frequently plays a complementary role, either accompanying him on his drinking route or buying him the necessary supplies. She justifies her actions by saying that he works so hard that he needs or deserves to unwind and relax. #RandolphHarris 5 of 11

Even when she complains that he is drinking excessively, or that he is a rotten husband and father because he spends all their money on booze, he unconscious need may be for hum to continue in this pattern. It again reinforces her need to be needed: when he is at his most intoxicated, she is the most important person in the World to him. She is then his protector, guardian, mother, confessor, pal, and provider of comfort and support, even if it comes across as derogatory curses and deprecations. All human beings start out in life from a position of almost complete dependency on others. The development of the child away from complete dependency is the responsibility of those adults who occupy positions of authority over him. How to use authority to help others grow is the major challenge of every parent and every person in a position of authority. Too often authority persons become concerned with the wrong goals—parents want children who are only well behaved, teachers want only quiet classrooms or students who will do and say what they want; administrators want subordinates who will obey without question. #RandolphHarris 6 of 11

One way to achieve these goals is to deliberately or unconsciously create dependency in others. Interestingly enough, many dependency-producing leaders never recognize their part in the problem, for they will often exclaim sadly, “What we need is more people who will take initiative and will not just sit around waiting to be told what to do.” In many cases, there seems to be a struggle going on between the adults, who want to channel or control, and the youngsters, who want to be independent and free to do as they please. It is this basic struggle that underlies counter-dependency. It is very difficult to treat this symbiotic—mutually beneficial and reciprocally stimulated—relationship in adult years, because the role played by the spouse is rarely brought to light. Too often in situations just like this, the therapist is frustrated to find the wife complaining about the changes in her husband as he goes through therapy. He is no longer the same man, so she can no longer be the same woman. This upsets her expectations and she often cannot tolerate the changes. Frequently, as the husband in such a situation begins improving, his wife gets worse. Often the wife will remove the husband from therapy, claiming that there is no improvement, that therapy is not working, or that he is improved enough and she can take care of things from then on. #RandolphHarris 7 of 11

By removing a person from therapy, who is treating their dependency addiction, can be demeaning and robs the individual of personal dignity. Such behavior can create in many persons a strong rebellion reaction. Some people gain a kind of secret delight in dominating another human being. “When we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the Heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that person. We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all people, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion. Hence many are called, but few are chosen,” reports Doctrines and Covenants 121.37 and 39-40. One way of handling this awkward situation, one that is becoming a more frequent method of operation for many therapists, is to insist that in such a relationship both husband and wife be seen together. Possibly the treatment program would consist of husband and wife together with the therapist or in a group of couples, and individual sessions for husband and wide alone with the therapist. #RandolphHarris 8 of 11

In this way, the entire symbiotic relationship can be explored and the wife’s role in her husband’s dependency problem can be explored and modified. The husband must resolve his conflicts over his own dependency, must learn to depend more upon oneself and accept the nature of the interdependency he and his wife can have with each other. The wife must learn to resolve her own conflicts, explore her need to be “Big Mama” to her own husband, and learn how to involve herself in a healthy, mature, appropriate relationships of mutual interdependency with her husband. This is fairly easy to describe; to being these changes about is exceedingly difficult. So while we come into the World ready to enter into a very deep and involved dependency relationship, one of the major tasks in the socialization process of each child has to be that of enabling the child to learn independence. This independence must be a matter of increasing self-reliance and autonomous decision-making. The healthy, self-actualizing adult is one who knows who he or she is, knows what he or se can and cannot do in a realistic, appreciating way. One sets realistic goals for oneself, pretty much by oneself, through acknowledging the contributions of others to one’s decision-making, and one is willing to take the consequences of one’s actions. #RandolphHarris 9 of 11

How to achieve this growing self-reliance is a difficult matter. Ideally the process of growth from dependency to mature independence increases as we age. Yet there are so many things that interfere with this ideal growth: limitations in the individual person, like physical, mental, emotions, or social deficiencies and special requirements; resistance on the part of parents to let go and permit and encourage the growing independence of their child; a culture that encourages dependence and well-being mentality; and many chance or freak occurrences. Too often parents, especially mothers, make the mistake of holding on too tightly to their children. They either overprotect them or retain control of them far past the point of the child’s maturity. Some parents fasten on to their children through building in them a sense of obligation or duty to take care of their parents. In some cases, a parent can retain control beyond the grave, by setting up conditions for inheritance. One of the best explanations for why parents will do this is not that they are selfish or cruel but are simply frightened or unthinking. To see a child grow up is to be reminded that you are growing old. To see a child become independent may mean to feel unneeded, unnecessary, worthless. In a society that encourages mothers to live for their children, many women and sometimes men literally die when their children outgrow their strong need for them. #RandolphHarris 10 of 11

A healthy relationship to dependency is to recognize that all of us are going to be totally dependent on other people for a few things all our lives. Goods and services, love, intimacy satisfaction, respect, appreciation, companionship and affection are things that we must get from others. Other activities and situations may or may not require other people, but this depends upon our own attitudes in the matter. If, for instance, a person wants to paper one’s living room wall with Lincrusta Walton Wallcovering, one could do it by oneself. However, many people enjoy the companionship of shared labor and would invite friends or relatives to help in papering task, more for their social value than for their actual necessity in the job. Dependency, independency, interdependency: three words with overlapping relationships. They are important to us and we must individually work out our own attitudes toward them if we are to attain some measure of significant selfhood. “The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever,” reports Doctrine and Covenants 121.46. No power on Earth or in Hell can conquer the Spirit of God living within the human spirit; it creates an inner invincibility. #RandolphHarris 11 of 11