Those were human beings. Look at me. What if they are strong, what if they were made like me by someone very old? Guilt is a generally functional emotion that derives in part from an offender’s empathic distress in response to the pain he or she has caused. It is this distress that is held to motivate remorseful behaviors and attempts to restore the relationship. Shame, however, is a profoundly painful, self-focused emotion that typically motivated attempts to hide or escape from the situation, or alternatively, to retaliate against whoever has caused or even simply witnessed the shame, this is called an externally-directed, humiliated fury. Clearly, if a betrayer’s shame-induced withdrawal or defensive anger are misinterpreted by the betrayed party signs of callous unrepentance then the delicate interactional negotiations involved in seeking and being granted forgiveness will run into problems. If you say they are fair game, then they are fair game, and that is good enough for me, Beloved Boss. I cannot tell my own heart and soul what I am feeling now, how much I crave this little battle. I cannot find the words, it is so raw, so rooted inside me! It goes way back into the human part of me that is not doing to die, does it not?  

Something is, something is confusing me. Overall, most partner-caused forgiven and unforgiven offenses in long-term married and divorced individuals could readily be classified as betrayals of one kind or another. Over half of the unforgiven, partner-caused offenses involved explicit betrayals such as lies, deception, and the sexual infidelity, neglect, uncaring behavior, public embarrassment.  A partner might feel like you do not love them especially if you side with your mother against your wife in a serious family conflict; an offense that is clearly interpreted as a betrayal. As she said, “My husband should have put me first, not his mother. I should have been his priority. They have been swaggering through eternity for a decade at most, just long enough to make them very cocky. I will get the lowdown on their souls before I dispatch them, of course. However, for now I know they are perceived as outlaws by the wife. And I do not like them. My blood is always hot. And the fighting will be good. They are greedy filth. They break the peace on my streets. That is a death sentence, at least when I have the time for it. And right now, I have the time, and you have the thirst, and that is what interests me. No more questions.”  

Given that betrayals were found in forgiven as well as unforgiven accounts it is clearly not betrayal per se that made an offense unforgivable. When you embarrass someone who loves you, has had your back through trials and struggles, and repeatedly disrespect them, cheat on them, and defend other people who have done them wrong and put them in danger when they find out you could have done something to protect them and you should be the one defending them, especially when they helped you build your career, it makes your partner believe you hate them. Then the fact of the matter is when they tell you they need to talk to them and you simply disappear like a ghost and ignore their pain and suffering and struggles, although your partner may have said hurtful things to you and feel bad for them, their love for you becomes like a galvanized pipe. Their heart starts to harden towards you and the love they have for you becomes poisoned by anger and rage, and while they may respect you, the marriage, at this point is nothing more than a business. They are keeping the appearance of a relationship together for the sake of the family and possibly for the business so when the time comes for them to move on, people will see they are stable and loyal. 

Time out for one quick meditation on the matter of saints, as you know how much I want to be one and cannot. Another important contrast between forgiven and unforgiven partner-caused offenses concerned the role of offender remorse. Over 50 percent of self-offenders claimed that they were “truly sorry” (even if not entirely to blame) for the offense, compare to 31 percent of the unforgiven self-offenders, similarly, nearly 50 percent of forgiven partners were believed to have been “truly sorry”, compared with only 15 percent of unforgiven partners, despite the fact that unforgiven partners were more like to have verbally apologized (40 percent) than forgiven (9 percent). Respondents’ accounts made it clear that being “truly sorry” went far beyond verbal apologies. As several long-term married respondents (22 years of marriage on average) respondents observe, showing true remorse can take weeks, months, or even years of “making up” for an offense and proving one’s commitment to one’s part and the relationship. A commitment means you have entrusted your life and all of your secrets with someone and you placed confidence in that individual. So even the illusion of infidelity can be devastating, especially if it happens on more than one occasion and they know you wanted them to witness it.   

Because when it comes to this saint, I am particularly moved by the circumstances, the local Bishop told someone about the Virgin’s appearing to him, was ignored, naturally, until Our Lady worked double miracle. Roses growing impossibly in the snow, when the little guy gladly open his coat before the bishop to reveal theses lovely blooms. So here we are again. I have been giving you a lot of thought to our last conversation. Did you happen to do what I asked you to do? My face is serious. I am no longer smiling. The type of severity of punishments differed according to forgiveness condition. One of the most important tasks for repentant offenders is to convince their partners that they would pay almost any price to repair and restore their relationships. One way for betrayed partners to assess the extent and sincerity of offenders’ condition and test their resolve to put things right is to inflict costs and seek compensation for the offense. I do not recommend this, but some punishments comprised acts of revenge including physical abuse, denunciation to family and friends, destruction of possessions, and one I might recommend is abandonment. Both revenge and reminding were reportedly motivated by the betrayed party’s need to communicate the depth of their hurt or to regain some power in the relationship; however, reminders were also reportedly given to ensure the offender did not reoffend.