At work, there are many sources of strain as there are in life itself: unexpected crises, high expectations, insoluble problems of all sorts. How does one keep them from becoming stressful? A first step consists in establishing priorities among the demands that crowd into consciousness. The more responsibilities one has, the more essential it becomes to know what is truly important and what is not. #RyanPhillippe 1 of 22

Successful people often have to make lists, or flowcharts of all the things they have to do, and quickly decide which tasks they can delegate, or forget about, and which ones they have to tackle personally, and in what order. Sometimes this activity takes the form of a ritual, which like all rituals serves in part as a reassurance that things are under control.  #RyanPhillippe 2 of 22

Matthew Ryan Phillippe, a CEO, spends times each morning setting his priorities. “I am a great list maker,” he says, “I have twenty lists of things to do all the time. If I ever have five free minutes, I sit and make lists of things that I should be worrying about.” However, it is not necessary to be so systematic; some individuals trust their memory and experience, and their choices more intuitively. The important thing is to develop a personal strategy to produce some kind of order. #RyanPhillippe 3 of 22

After priorities are set, some people will confront first, the easiest tasks on the list, and clear the desk for the more difficult ones; others proceed in the reverse order because they feel that after dealing with the tough items, the easier ones will take care of themselves. Both strategies work, but for different people; however, in banking, it is best to take care of the biggest expenses first, and then the smaller ones. #RyanPhillippe 4 of 22

However, also keep in mind, when using the banking analogy, some people may have car notes that are more expensive than the mortgage, so you have to also think about what is most important to you, what you require more, what provides more utility. Being able to create order among the various demands that crowd upon consciousness will go a long way toward preventing stress. #RyanPhillippe 5 of 22

The next step it to match one’s skills with whatever challenges have been identified. There will be tasks we feel incompetent to deal with—can they be delegated to someone else? Can you learn the skills required in time? Can you get help? Can the task be transformed, or broken up into smaller parts? Usually the answers to one of these questions will provide a solution that transforms a potentially stressful situation into a flow experience. #RyanPhillippe 6 of 22

None of this will happen, however, if one responds to the strain passively, like an eagle frozen by icy winds from the mountains. One must invest attention into the ordering of tasks, into the analysis of what is required to complete them, into the strategies of solution. Only exercising control can stress be avoided. And while everyone has the psychic energy required to cope with strain, few learn to use it effectively.  Not everyone has good luck in matching their choice group and their target relational challenges. Sometimes you have to work at it for quite a while to pull it together. If your experiment starts to unravel despite your best efforts to plan carefully, Matthew’s story may help you to feel less alone. #RyanPhillippe 7 of 22

Matthew decided that he would work on his relational challenges within the community of his condo association. His condo was in a beautiful antiquated building in the country. Built in the nineteenth century by affluent New England seekers wo believed that a simple life in the country was the only healthy way to live, it had once been a utopian community. The rambling ten-story building had been turned into condominiums in the 1980s. Although the buildings and the land were lovely to look at, there were a host of structural problems for the condo dwellers. #RyanPhillippe 8 of 22

Matthew made the decision to take a leadership role in getting the antiquated building’s structural problems repaired, and to use this opportunity to work on the relationships he was slowly forming with the other residents. He had decided to prioritize deepening one-to-one relationships within the groups, and to stick with the group through the good and bad times rather than following his old approach-avoidance pattern in relationships. He also changed his usual skittish style by concentrating his energies on this one group rather than having several other new ventures lined up as soon as he began to feel restless. #RyanPhillippe 9 of 22

Matthew chose the condo association as the best setting for his work because it was the type of community he had always wanted to be part of, despite some previous failures. He gave it two stars to indicate that it was the kind of community he wanted to try again. He believed it would be both comfortable enough and challenging enough to meet his requirements. #RyanPhillippe 10 of 22

As Matthew got more deeply involved in the condo project, he began to focus on deepening his relationships with a few individuals who were also very active in the condo association. Not only did he accept invitations to spend long work sessions and social time with them in a group, he also spent time with people individually, inviting them to dinner at his place and accepting invitations to social events. #RyanPhillippe 11 of 22

Within a few months he began to feel overwhelmed. He enjoyed his new friendships with several of the other condo residents, but he was starting to feel pressured by one of the women. He wondered whether she was a prostitute when she asked him to take her to Mexico and to a fancy restaurant in the nearest city. Despite his qualms, he pushed himself to go ahead since he had committed himself to stay steady and not run when connections became more intimate. He knew this view was hopelessly archaic, but he also knew he would he eventually confess the truth. This situation for Matthew was like splitting atoms and extracting Sunbeams from cucumbers—Brenda has always riled him. #RyanPhillippe 12 of 22

Matthew hard recognized he was becoming increasingly judgmental toward Brenda as she had increase her invitations to meet with him, even before she asked him to take her to Mexico to play. She seemed to be turning into a weak, helpless, demanding, money hungry woman, not the person he had originally got to know in their meetings with the DJs, Bartenders, and Bouncers. #RyanPhillippe 13 of 22

The night they went to the Mexico, Matthew was extremely uncomfortable. He could not enjoy the beach and began to feel claustrophobic. He wondered if he had inadvertently picked up a low class hooker. At the end of the evening, when they sat in the car outside of hotel, he felt as though Brenda was holding him hostage. #RyanPhillippe 14 of 22

It was late, and Matthew was miserable as he sat listening to her talk about her problems at her job and her increasing loneliness since she had started law school, and about how she was desperate for money. The tipping point came when she turned to Matthew and said, “Matthew, I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re one of the only friends I’ve made since I moved out here. You really are some kind of miracle in my life.” #RyanPhillippe 15 of 22

After that September night, Matthew politely backed away from the pressure he felt from Brenda. He began to avoid her and was seen running out of nightclubs and leaving her behind. Matthew decided he would drop out of the condo repair project. He also began looking for another place to live. An error does not become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. He becomes responsible for himself. He decided what activities and ways of behaving have meaning from him, and what did not. #RyanPhillippe 16 of 22

In our therapy sessions, we focused on creating another option for Matthew, working together to see whether this time he could manage to stick with a relationship and not let it trigger his runaway pattern. He had been enjoying the community effort, he liked where he lived, and he was happy to have deepened his friendships with other people he had been getting to know. Finally, he forced himself to talk to Brenda, to tell her how he was feeling and why. #RyanPhillippe 17 of 22

To his surprise, she was very comfortable with his disclosures about God changing his heart, and that he had to change his plans, and that is why he ran away.  Matthew had a need to stay free of any demands, and his classic fears of being consumed by female loneliness. She began to share some information about her own patterns of sabotaging close relationships, her wish to have the kind of intimate relations that she had experienced with her sisters in childhood. Like, Matthew, she longed for a relationship that would provide for all her emotional needs, but she also demanded financial compensation for her time. #RyanPhillippe 18 of 22

After a while, Matthew and Brenda became distant friends. They were able to help each other work on the relational challenges each faced. They discussed their expectations of the perfect relationship. Brenda was able to help Matthew practice being more relaxed about his relational safety boundaries. Eventually, when Brenda got into a serious relationship with a man she had met at work, Matthew was happy for her. He was happy that she found a new partner. #RyanPhillippe 19 of 22

It was a cause for celebration when Matthew was able to tell Brenda he was happy for her, without going into a panic that she would drop her new relationship and come running to him with a new rush of expectations. The following summer Matthew was cheerful when Brenda told him she was getting married, he wanted to participate in the wedding and welcome her new husband into their condo “family.” Hope and curiosity are no sooner satisfied, then they begin a new search. A newspaper I a battery, and it must have something to batter at. He was happy she had moved on. #RyanPhillippe 20 of 22

Know your conditioning inside out. This means being very familiar with your personal history, recognizing whatever wounding you carry (and how you tend to compensate for it), seeing how and where conditioning has made your choices, and how and where it still running you. Given a good run, one can work easily enough, but an intrusion throws many for seven. First you will get a gem of an idea. Then sleep well on it, then completely rewrite your life story. You will experience horror, narrow escapes, humorous interludes, sentiment, everything. #RyanPhillippe 21 of 22

When it is ended, some will feel as empty mentally as a discarded bottle. Breaking your conditioning’s grip on you will not erase it, but will out you in a position where you are not at its mercy: being able to relate not from it, but to it. You will likely require help of a good therapist to do this well. A good place to begin is to take a reactive pattern you have and, when you are not feeling reactive, look at it objectively, tracing the raw feelings of it back to when it first arose in your life, noting what triggered it back then. #RyanPhillippe 22 of 22