Compromise, trust and forgiveness are the keys to a successful and healthy relationship. However, it is vital to understand how our past relationships shaped how we respond in the present. If we do not understand this, we may go on to experience a series of disappointments that can lead only to deeper despair and greater self-blame. Nonetheless, looking at the past is not easy. Yet, we can get through this part without feeling worse or giving up. We can use the issues to help explore and touch down briefly on a few of the most important legacies of our past relationships. The point is to just highlight a few of the past experiences that changed us significantly and provided us with lessons about oneself in intimate situations. Talking about these experiences will not be the say we have had when talking to a friend, therapist, or new love interest. This review is not about our former partner (or partners). Past relationships leave their mark. Although there were undoubtedly many negative and beneficial things about these people from our past, this is to express what we have learned as an adult.  It can sometimes seem as if we are doomed to repeat the worst experiences of our childhood, in our adult relationships. This can leave us completely confused, wondering if we are once again the victim of neglect, abuse, or whether we have come the abusers when we unintentionally harm those we love.

One way a past relationship might hurt is when we experience the repetition of being the one who feels repeatedly rejected in the relationship. Dale’s relationships in the past were like a parody of the Looney Tunes. He was always jumping over the relational candlestick, trying to avoid being burned, or hurt, without much success. There seemed to be an endless succession of people who alternately used him, and left him, but remained possessive after the experience was over. At first, these people Dale dated would hover around him, and watch him, then back off and get distance. Once he got tired of them, they would spread rumors about him to keep people away or threaten the people who was dating to get them to back off. These people would even go as far as trying to get Dale’s new love interest fired from their jobs for dating him. All of the people Dale dated worked in the same industry, so they knew each other. The problems would arise when would date someone outside of their cult. They actually would tell people they owned him. Although Dale appeared to want a lasting relationship, he kept trying to get away from this click and they refused to let go. As a result, Dale grew cold and had a hard heart. The fear of beginning a new relationship became intensified by failed relational attempts. He became emotionally sacred and did not really love the people he was involved with.

These relationships were extremely confusing and disturbing for him. They were abusive and mean to him, but when he pulled away, they would show up at his friend’s parties or enter his home without permission. Dale did not understand how people could physically and verbally abuse him for years, but try to force him into a relationship. His failure to communicate successfully in past relationships made him set up rigid rules for his new relational efforts. This can happen when someone feels inadequate, attacked or betrayed in an earlier relationship. Dale had never had intercourse, but had some other experiences with them people he dated, when he was less than sober. As a result, he was not sexual with anyone. He carried guilt and discomfort from this relationship into each subsequent one, and the experience continued to cast a shadow over his efforts to be open and loving with anyone. He was afraid to open up to anyone because he thought he might be exploited or cheated on. The greatest spirits, when overwhelmed by their afflictions, are subject to the greatest dejections.