The World, being earnest itself, likes an earnest scene, and an earnest man, very well, but only in their place—the stage. Some people find it unbelievable that I have been celibate for my entire life, I have not had coitus, and do not even really date. The last time I even kissed someone was at a club back in 2009, and I came to and said to myself, “What am I doing?” The last time I went on a date was back in 2010, with a journalist or a doctor, I am not really sure who he is, and there is a long story behind that.

Every man loves in his soul to play the part of the stage deity. My friend and I had been drinking and we were wondering around midtown, and somehow who I ended up talk to this guy, he told me all about his new BMW 7 series, and I love BMWs. I knew it was like a $125,000.00 car and I did not want him to drive home. I ended up ditching my friend, and this guy and I got into his BMW, and he threw money at me, but I just let it fall on the floor. We listened pop music in the sensory rejuvenation chamber of the BMW, and then went to the burger joint and had a snack. It was about 2am, on a Saturday morning when we left, and he slept over.

We came back to my apartment, and I was a little embarrassed because there had recently been a major fire in the lobby, and there was black smoke on the walls and electrical wires hanging from the ceiling and some of the doors had been kicked down, by the fire department, to make sure there was no fire inside. My door to my apartment was one of them, and it did not even have a bottom door handle, just a lock and a cloth in the door to cover the hole where the door handle was supposed to go. So I knew this guy, because he was rich, would think this place was really weird and that it would reflect on me and would never want to see me again.

Anyway, as we were getting in bed, I turned on the radio, and he made me turn it off, he said, “People are trying to sleep.” He stripped down to his expensive tighty whities, I could tell they were expensive because they material was nice and thick, and laid in my bed on his back. I was so impressed with this guy because he was so clean. It was like he had just got out of the shower and knew he would see me. So anyway, he was about 5’9”, 135 pounds, blonde hair, blue eyes (if I am not mistaken), and it very good shape. I put on my pajamas and laid on his chest and hugged him all night, which felt really good.

Being celibate, I do not have much contact with people, and hugging this guy was like hugging a teddy bear, it made me feel good. The next morning, I gave him my number, walked him to his car, which he pretended he thought he left at the bar, but I am sure he remembered we parked in back, he said that he had “a screaming headache,” it was rainy, my hair was a mess, he got into his car, backed out, we waved and he drove away. I was sure I would never see him again because my apartment might not be up to his standards.

I am not sure if he ever called because the building was undergoing renovations, and my phone number changed, and I could not call him because I did not ask for his number. Months and possibly years went by, and I was in the supermarket, and this guy comes in and starts talking to this lady next to me (it was like one of those conversations where someone is trying to get your attention), but I ignored him. Then later on I realized it was the guy with the BMW and he was trying to get my attention.

So after a while, it dawned on me that I went on a date with a reporter because I saw him on the local TV news, and had kind of started dating one of his coworkers, which probably bothered him, but that did not work out anyway. We never even held hands. So anyway, I recently went to the doctor and my doctor also looks like the reporter that I went on a date with and I cannot figure out if they are the same person, but they are so similar.

So, this reporter and/or doctor, I have been talking to online and I save many of the news articles he writes—we are interested in a lot of the same subjects, and we connect online. However, I am kind of in love with someone else, and me and this reporter have not been interacting as much. Just a few days ago, I was wondering how he feels about that? And if he feels like I am manipulating him? And then I started getting that feeling like we broke up or something, but we are not even dating.

So basically, I am single and this person I am “in love with” seems to be getting kind of distant. And I am not really sure what I want? I would love to actually spend time with one of them and get to know them as friends. However, the guy with the BMW, I have never forgot about and I really like him because he seems honorable, whereas the other person kind of visits me, but is always out with other guys and women, and they take some very suggestive pictures. Like holding hands with other women, or taking pictures in a hotel room with another guy talking about they are “buckin.” So things are uncertain.

I confess, I seldom listen to the players on stage: one has so much to do, in looking about and finding out one’s acquaintances, that, really, one has no time to mind the stage. Some people think celibacy is bloody honorable.  I have all of my parts and they function properly, but I decided I wanted I wanted to be fresh, not passed around, and wanted to wait to have sex until I was in a committed relationship. However, as I get older, I have desires, and while I am not desperate, I do want companionship and want to enjoy the company of another person.

The best actors cannot act well before empty benches. Because of religion reasons, I am not really even allowed to touch my own body, so if I masturbate, I cannot touch myself at all. And that is kind of sad because I put in a lot of work on my body and I really like the way it looks and feels. Men are faithful for so long only as temptations pass them by. Everybody like to be tempted. And, after all, it is very easy to resist temptation, if one wishes. And I am pretty sure it is the reporter who slept over because some of his coworkers have called me a journ-ho (because it seems to some that I only date reporters, and have been accused of sleeping with everyone in one newsroom). While some think celibacy is honorable, I am ready to have new experiences.

Some interesting things about celibacy, it is about going a prolonged time frame without sex, not just days, weeks, or months, but years, and possibly a lifetimes. I do not plan on being celibate a lifetime, but celibacy does have some benefits. For instance, you do not get any sexually transmitted infections. You are not exposed to bad sex or smelly people. There are not accidental pregnancies. And celibacy is reversible, you can choose to have sex whenever you want to. However, there are some downsides to being celibate also.

Most men think about sex 18 times a day, and women 9 times a day. The average adult has sex twice a week. So the issue with celibacy is your relationships are not real and you know the person you are interested in is actually having intercourse while you hold out. So celibacy kind of allows people to take advantage of you for you are not having sex, but may have feelings for a person, and they may have feelings for you, but since you are not sexually active, they can date you and other people and leave you on the side, while they have serial relationships. And they know you are not going anywhere because you have feelings for them.

Nonetheless, being that I have been celibate for so long and as corny as it sounds wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, as I get older my motivations change. I can say that I am more open to the idea of a casual relationship. I really would not mind just hooking up with a particular person just for a sexual relationship, no strings attached, until I meet someone I want to be with and someone who wants to be with me. The only reason I have not joined a dating website and hooked up with someone is because my parents will not allow it, it would deeply embarrass them.

Also, because I do not go out often and rarely go to nightclubs nor bars, I am not meeting anyone nor hooking up with any one. So being celibate means once you decide to break your celibacy, sexually, you are tainted, so people may lose interest in you. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it, not everyone wants to feel sexless and isolated all of their lifetime, and if you are leaving someone who is celibate on hold, when you know they are waiting on, they may end up just indulging. A people think, well, this person is celibate or a virgin, they will wait on me as long as I want them to, but sometimes might find themselves been hurt.

For instance, a reference from popular culture is One Tree Hill, one of the characters was a virgin and in her early or late 20s, and she was dating this guy, Marvin, they were engaged to be married, and were waiting to have sex until their wedding day. However, Marvin could not wait and cheating on his fiance. She found out and went to a bar, got really drunk and had sex with another guy. Marvin found out and was hurt, not only because his future wife cheated on him, but also because she lost her virginity and he wanted to be her first.

What is a tender heart good for? Who can be happy that has a feeling heart? Personally, a lot of time has passed and I am tired of my heart being attached to people who seem to be enjoying themselves, and I think it would be so empowering to simply have a friend with benefits and no strings attached. So, that way, I can be out enjoying myself. Let us thank our lowliness, since it secures us from temptation. Scarcely any virtue is found to resist the power of long and pleasing lust.

Relationships are going to always be more difficult for someone who is celibate and less intimate. Sex is a way that couples feel closer to each other, and can bond themselves emotionally. Some people choose to be celibate so they do not mix love and friendship. However, after a young lifetime of celibacy, and heart break, your emotions change. And so, if you are loosely dating someone who is celibate, I hope you keep in mind that they want to be with you because they love you and are ready for intimacy. However, if you still want to play the field, realize you may lose them?

Who knows what will happen when that person is in a sexual relationship? If a person decided that they just want to have a relations specifically for intercourse, they may like it and decide to take on multiple partners, and may decide that love is not for them because their was no real connection when they were in love. The devil is an adversary, whom if we resist, he will fly far from us. However, I seldom resist him at all, from a terror that though I may conquer, I may still get a hurt in the combat–so I give up the triumph for security; and instead of thinking to make him fly, I generally fly myself. “Monogamy is the way to go, just put your lips together and blow.” -Britney Spears