Sex sells, and we are buying. Get enough people to think that someone or something is sexy, and you are in business. Make me feel better, make me feel more secure, de-stressed me, prove that I am wanted, make me feel whole, console me, resurrect my sense of self, make me feel more powerful, help me feel less lonely.  Sex has a lot on its back—we have saddled it with so much hope and expectation, whether in mundane or spiritual contexts. Sex sells and we continue to buy. Cost is not an issue, given how valuable the potential payoff may be. The more stress we are under, the more dysfunctional our relationship is, the more insecure we are, the more unresolved wounding we carry, the more appealing sex may become to us. As long as we are having sex—or letting sex have us—we have a bit of distance from the mess or distress we are in.

I still have not have intercourse, nor eaten Tony’s burger, in fact, it seems like I am just waking up to adulthood. However, I am in love with someone, and waiting on that person, and have been trying to be respectful by not meeting anyone and reducing my contact with others on social media. Unfortunately, I also do not have any friends, and I expect the person I am in a “relationship” with to read my mind. One of my biggest fears is why I am putting my life on hold, you are probably out having sex with other people, and since we do not spend much time together, you may forget about me. I feel that your lust with others may satisfy your love for a relationship, and while I wait and stop bonding with others, you will move on. And I know you are thinking I am just waking up and feeling a sense of freedom and that perhaps I want to experience more than a friendship because I have not learned freedom through relational intimacy, and you are possibly right. I do not mind waiting on you, but I also want to experiment, which would then ruin everything. And what we do sexually reflects what we are doing in the rest of our lives.

I know that sex should not be conditioned as a liberating experience, but I do want people to find me attractive and desire me. I also understand that my desire for sexual freedom is both to act out and distract me from unresolved childhood wounding. Sometimes when parents’ divorce and you go a while without seeing one of them, one feels like they moved on or forgot about us, and this is what I think could happen in our “relationship.” So I was a few minutes late to this morning’s meeting, and to my surprise, the manager was already their talking. I woke up really early but went back to bed because I was bored. No one to talk to, so I did not want to get ready and sit around and wait for the meeting, I supposed next time I will wake up early. Anyway, the meetings were informative, until the manager left, then the rest of the bunch kept yapping on about the same things they have been talking about for years, and the only reason I started attending is because it was requested.

Come to find out my name was constantly being ran through the meetings, and people were becoming very aggressive towards me. However, after going to the last two meetings, no one has brought up my name and I have been respected more. Still, I think it is because the manager let the aggressive people know that they were not in charge, and they most certainly thought they were. After the meeting, I had to unwind and let the stress go. A lot of bickering does not do me any good. I do not speak in the meetings, unless I have a question, I just listen. So I went back to my apartment, had breakfast and coffee, watched part of a movie, and then took a walk. It was pleasant, nice weather, and professional and polite people out. Then I got back to class and took notes. This week, although I have already taken a Human Sexuality class, we are learning about sex, and many people see sex as a step into our full manhood and humanity.

The word f*** says a f*** of a lot about what we may be up to during our sexual encounters. Its multiple meanings—including indifference, aggression, disappointment, and exploitation—are testimony to many of the nonsexual dynamics that may be at play while we are being sexual. More than we might like to admit, we may be getting screwed or getting the short end on the stick—while we are being sexual, and not just during intercourse, perhaps losing more than our integrity along the way. I understand this is why you want me to wait. Sex makes people feel visual, attractive or appealing, wanted and it magnetically draws others to us, making us feel special or like we standout and will not be overlooked. Sex might also distract people from hurt, depression, anxiety, apathy, or grief about our lives. However, if enough of us were fully engaged in healing our wounds and awakening from our entrapping dreams, there would not be a sex or pornography epidemic.

I am trying to help others, while communicating with you. Maybe you can read my mind? While I still live in the Victorian era, where sex is not had or kept out of sight, I am studying what others are actually up to during sex and it is a bit of a shock, but it is a liberating shock. While some are left in the dark, in both personal and collective context, I am furthering in my humanity, more deeply, becoming capable of genuine intimacy. You know, I have learned how to communicate and express myself to the point we can have a three-hour dinner and talking about things that might captivate your mind, making you feel wonderfully alive, a celebration of your already present joy and wholeness, without losing my sexuality in the process, but deepening and expanding it. I have a heartfelt yearning to share my depths with you. I cannot wait to watch a movie with you or take a walk through the park. I behold the beautiful and the pleasant. My eyes see only that which is beautiful to look upon. I will not see anything else nor believe in anything else. The love of all good is within me and through me. That love goes out to meet all who come into my atmosphere. I speak that into law, and it is done unto me. They law is in my heart.