Truly effective communication is as attuned to what is going on emotionally as it is to mental activity, staying empathetically present, listening both to what is being said and to what is not being said. This is about undivided attention, openness, compassion, and genuine interest, all working together. When starting a relationship, or deciding to give birth to a child, may couples have to negotiate. Negotiation is a process by which a joint decision is made by two or more parties, and no one gets exactly what they want, but they agree on some terms.

There was a couple, who found out their son had spina bifida, before he was born. The father wanted the child to be aborted, not because he was embarrassed, but because he did not want his son to have a diminished quality of life and be at the mercy of others. However, the mother felt this was his first son, and the child would be a blessing.

So after much negation they decided to keep the baby. After the child was born, the parents were happy they kept him. It turns out you could not tell from looking that he had a congenital birth defect, and he was actually very attractive. Of course the child had some physical limitation, and had to have annual checkups, but other than that he was healthy, and none of his friends ever knew of his medical condition. They just thought he was a little girly because he did not play sports, was very mild, and did very well in school.

Although there was some dysfunctional discord about the birth of this boy, the parents disengaged from intellectual sparring and established some mutual emotional ground, and remained anchored there. They were attuned to each other’s emotional state. When you are trying to resolve an issue in a relationship, do not state what you are thinking or perceiving, but talk about the emotions you are feeling and nothing more, do not justify these emotions either.

However, many people do not truly understand what feelings are. Saying, “I feel that you are not present” or “I do not feel heard” are not feelings, but perceptions or opinions, and these are debatable. Saying, “I feel sad” or “I feel anger” are statements of feeling, and are not debatable. These statements are simply data, interpretation free, and therefore not arguable.

After one identifies their emotions, what is often most difficult here is resisting the temptation to say more after we have said what we are feeling. However, when we end our sentence (which beings with “I feel…”) with the fitting emotion word or words (anger, fear, sad, love, and so on), and not continue it with “because….” we are giving the other a chance to let in the bare fact of where we are emotionally, and to resonate with it at a feeling level without getting reabsorbed in or distracted by thought. Openly sharing our feeling state in this way invites empathy from our partner.

In contrast, we can easily argue with a perception or idea, but not with raw data. Simply stating that we are angry (assuming that we are indeed angry!) is not disputable, however much the other may be bothered that we are angry, or thinks that we should not be angry.

What we are being asked to do, as the recipient, is to listen emotionally, letting in the bare reality of the other’s emotional state as well as their straightforward acknowledgment of it, regardless of our mental commentary. We do not have to agree or disagree, just simply listen. All you have to do is stay silent for a moment, making room to feel the other’s emotional condition.

Without the ground of some emotional co-listening and empathy, the concern in question will just get boxed into the same old back-and-forth arguments. The point is to make emotionally centered communication more of a priority than intellectually centered communication. Most men experience some relief once they got the hang of this, enjoying the simultaneous simplicity and depth of it, especially as they become more emotionally literate. Stating only what emotions and sensations are primarily present relieves them of getting caught up in cognitive combat zones.

Communication works best when there is not only mutual emotional transparency and empathy, but also an established, well-anchored trust. In fully functioning communication, there is no power struggle, no investment in winning, no strategy to overpower. Being off track is not seen as a problem, but as a chance to get more deeply back on track.

Listen without losing touch with yourself, do not weaken your boundaries, be patient, but not passively, be sure to pay attention, and be aware of your energy, sensations, breathing, posture, and intentions no matter what you are thinking. Always be genuinely interested in the other, beyond what they are saying, and be able to listen to yourself as you listen to the other. Power and love are born from within.