Real heroes show a zero tolerance for disrespect and abuse. The more shamed we are, the more important pride may become. Shame’s pressure often sucks much of the life out of us, as if we had taken a couple of heavy blows to the head, and were, for a while in a straitjacket. Today was an unusual day, I quit, I gave up, but did not say a word, I fell flat on my face, until I saw how much I meant to the person I cared about, so I dragged myself out of bed, and dedicated sometime to this person, even if it was just over the internet. Fortunately, such a dying was temporary, and the person I care about restarted the game by expressing concern and admiration, so this gave me another chance to make my way through the opposition I have been facing, leaving a bloody mess, in resurrection. You see boys and men cannot be put down or shamed for long, without suffering consequences because we usually carry far more darkness than our more human predecessors. It is hard to face ultraviolent, ruthless, human evil. However, what would Harry Potter be without Lord Voldemort? Myself like many others are actually anti-heroes, we are shadow infused, tortured rebels, with grand visions, morally complex revolutionaries, who are deeply flawed good doers. We can be messy. We are darkness unleashed with just enough life and care, not infallible, not always victorious, and far from being unemotional. Most men have trouble establishing intimate relationship, which are loving, cherishing, and being very close to one another, and not just sexually, in ways that deepen both the partners’ connection and their individuality.

 What I have learned about being a man is I can awaken deeply enough to embody my full-blooded maleness without any dissociation from what is tender, soft, and vulnerable.  It is very helpful to realize that the things you are required to do to have better relationships are the very things required to further your own growth and evolution. To work on yourself is, in part, to make yourself more available for the kind of relationship that you, in your heart of hearts, long for, a relationship in which whatever arises can be used to strengthen and deepen the partners’ bond. And I understand you may be looking at what I like on social media and what I share, but it is a safety net for me because you are never here. A relation will function optimally if some heart is brought to it and I feel like you did that today. A man who can truly father himself is no longer at the mercy of unhealthy fathering, whether from his own father, other men, or the authoritarian dictates of various elements of his culture. He is in good hands. His ground is solid and true. He is capable of deep relationship. Some men have issues connecting with other men, as friend. Most men like to keep a distance from other guys because they do not want to invest time into a connection that may unpleasantly expose them to each other. The ethic of men’s allegiance to keeping distance from each other is required to compassionately be laid bare, along with their fears of what might happen if that ethic were to be deconstructed, fears that rage from being rejected (as many have happened during boyhood when they showed vulnerability) to being seen as gay (as if being gay means having less than manly qualities). We all are required to challenge ourselves to experience full growth. In a relationship, you want to feel permission to go fully into both your core wounding and deepest dimensions, feeling at home no matter how shaken you might be. I want you to feel utterly natural to keep yourself open and free to venture into new territories. And be so comfortable that you are healed so deeply that it is impossible to dehumanize another person. Soon we will talk with mutual care and curiosity about what just happened, feeling closer to each other. Practice opening your heart when you least want to do so. Do not lose touch with your love. Make your connection to your partner a top priority. If you want one not to like pictures on social media and share things, then say so.