Like spinal surgery, a healthy challenge may be extremely ferocious and it can be delicate. It can be emotionally vital and it can be emotionally damaging to the central nervous system. However, whatever the case may be, it is necessary to sustain life. There is nothing trifling, mundane, or haphazard about this task, it is serious. Even when it is gently conveyed, it keeps its spine, without snapping the spinal cord, leaving it as flat as a rice noodle, or weakening the central nervous system.

Is my heart open, and if not, why? Well, it seems that I have been having some thought distortions. I incorrectly assumed that young were not worth my time because they were immature, brain dead, and full of conflict, and that I should focus on people in their 40s and 50s. However, what I have found is that a lot of people in their 40s and 50s are what I expected from the youth, sloppy, sarcastic, disrespectful, and losing touch with humanity.

I came in contact with a young man this weekend, by mistake. I thought that he was someone else and started talking to him, and to my surprise, he was very mature, eloquent, well spoken, mature, and addressed me by my proper title. This young man also shared an interest in photography, and the City of Sacramento.

We had several good conversations, and he actually inspired me to get out and reexplore Sacramento. You see, I was kind of depressed from dealing with an emotionally abusive and cantankerous old man, who is depressed, and wants me to feel sorry for him, while he is bare backing around the county, taking vacations, and sleeping with someone’s husband to be.

This old man really depressed me, I started withdrawing, and becoming sad. And then I thought about how much fun this young man was having and decided to take his advice and go to old Sacramento and enjoy a life play. Of course I was late, and missed the play because I let someone draw me into their drama. I learned this was also a moral, do not allow someone else’s problem become yours, while they are out having fun, you will be missing out on the beauty of life, and may find yourself racing to catch up.

This old man has baggage and may not be the type of person I want to be around. Perhaps I am required to stop being so judgmental and leave the old people alone, and get to know people who have not made a ton of mistakes and are happy with life. Men tend to be more at ease with the delivery of this than with the reception of it, so sometimes the greater challenge is not to let one’s reactivity to being challenged get in the way of opening to it (assuming that such challenge is not abusive).

Sometimes I am just required to run away from what is being presented, saying no to what others are insisting is right for us to pursue, so we might fully align ourselves with more worthy, more relevant challenges. While this old man has spent about six months using and abusing me, another nice man has been there uplifting me, sharing nice words and pictures with me and making me smile, and I feel it is only fair to him to kick the dirt back to the curb. My edge is the experiential zone where my deepest, most relevant growth happens. I have started turning towards my fears, my pain, my grief, my shame, and my failings, everything I kept in my shadow.

Such encounters, such as the one with the dirty old man brought me to the edge and out in the open. This other nice man, says I am a good guy and he knows it, he knows exactly who I could be, and just hold on. It is hard to take on an entire city all alone. I have to learn to say no. If I am to be my true size, I am required to embody who and what I truly am. However, I was required to spend time with that dirty old man, so he could push me to the edge, so that I would get so tired of users and open my eyes to other possibilities.

As my friendliness expanded, I felt the circle losing some tension. The knives were put away, and soon all the dirty old men left. I had rushed in in a peak of raw masculine force. Being at the edge brought forth what worked; all I had to do was not hesitate to cooperate with it. This does not mean that danger has to be present, but there is definitely a risk involved, whether it be damaging my reputation or speaking truth that might radically alter my life direction.

If it is easy, asking nothing much from you, it is not your edge. I knew I was at my edge because I was required to go ahead even when it was uncomfortable and I was in fear. My core wounds were open, and this undertaking left me uncommonly vulnerable, it took real guts to persevere into real manhood, which is a gift to one and all. I had to break the grip that my illusions had on me, even though the noose was ready to go. I finally learned that I do not have control nor freedom.

However, the benefit is I know see people for who they are. I am extraordinarily alive, featuring vivid proximity to immense danger, and immense opportunity. Enough suffering, these conditions grabbed me by the neck, providing me with the roughness I needed, and leaving bruises on my neck that still have not gone away. This, of course, was far from pleasant, but the darker the connotation of disillusionment, the more difficult sobriety of character becomes, a catalyst for waking up, a great opportunity.

And the dirty old man, who I will call Peter, is having a birthday on 10 September 2015, and I am going to give him the best gift every by removing myself from his life, and leaving him to his Mandingo, law school tramp, and teenaged groom, so they can worship him and gratify his body just like he likes, while they continue to drain his bank account, and make him more unattractive to the masses. God bless you and peace is with you, Peter. So incredible the way things work themselves out, never would have made it very far.