Allen sometimes tears up while watching movies, but he has not cried for many years.  He has heard that it is not good to keep one’s emotions undercover, but feels compelled to not lose face (damage his reputation) under any conditions. His friends describe him as a nice guy. He grinds his teeth while he sleeps, often dreaming of a young boy hiding in a dark bathroom, a boy he wishes would just go away. Allen had never told anyone about his dream.

When he was a boy he was severally bullied; whenever he cried, he was hurt even more. It took a while, but he learned to numb himself in order to present a stoic, friendly- looking front. Pure survival. He equates showing any vulnerability with danger, and views it as a signaling of weakness. He does not see how this contributes to his difficulty in having relationships that possess real depth.

Vulnerability, unguarded openness, does not have to mean weakness or lack of masculinity. It can be an act of courage, and a source of strength.  In vulnerability, there is a transparency and capacity for self-disclosure that can help deepen our connection with others. Becoming more vulnerable asks that we stretch beyond our comfort zone but the resulting increase in depth, vitality, and connection make doing so worthwhile. Without vulnerability, there is no intimacy.

“You used to call me on my cell phone late night when you need my love. I know when that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing. Ever since you left the city you have a reputation for yourself now. Everybody knows and I feel left out. Girl, you got me down, you got me stressed out because since I left the city, you started wearing less and going out more. Glasses of champagne out on the dance floor, hangin’ with some girls I have never seen before. You have exactly what you asked for, running out of pages in your passport.”

“These days, all I do is wonder if you are bending over backwards for someone else, doing things I taught you, getting sexy for someone else. You do not need no one else. Why are you never alone? Why you always touching road, used to always stay at home, be a good girl, you was in the zone talking about ‘breathe on me, monogamy is the way to go,’ you should just be yourself right now, you are someone else.”

Vulnerability does not always mean leaving the door wide-open; for example, if it does to feel right to associate with some people, but you know it is safe to do so, openly admit that you are nervous, such admission itself is an act of vulnerability. Or if you are with someone you know you cannot trust with your vulnerability, do not allow them in your circle because then you become unnecessarily vulnerable. Be discerning with your vulnerability. Vulnerability can be a risk, especially emotionally, but not doing what we can to access it is a bigger risk. However, virtue alone is an estate.