Children can feel, but they cannot analyze their feelings; and if the analysis is partially effected in thought, they know not how to express the result of the process in words. This is a time when personal development in one generation greatly affects development in the next. When parents fail to give the children a good start in life, everybody suffers, the child, the parents, and society as a whole. In addition to the skills needed for achievement, effective parents give children a capacity for love, joy, responsibility, and fulfillment. Most people discipline their children in the same way they were disciplined. Unfortunately, this means that many parents make the same mistakes their parents did. What can parents do to promote healthy development in their children? Two key ingredients of effect parenting are communication and discipline. In each area, parents can set an example that goes beyond merely dispensing dos and do nots. Rearing children can be a challenge, no psychologist would deny that love is essential for healthy development, but discipline (guidance regarding acceptable behavior) can be equally important. Parents with unmanageable, delinquent, or unhappy children often can honestly claim that they give them lots of love. 

Yet, when parents fail to provide guidelines for behavior, children become antisocial, aggressive, and insecure. Parents who allow themselves to be dominated or manipulated, create lifelong patterns of self-serving behavior in their children. Does this mean that discipline should be strict and unbending? No. Recall that authoritarian parenting also has undesirable effect on children. Families are not military boot camps. Children are more comfortable with autocratic commands then adults. As stated before, effective discipline is fair but loving, authoritative yet sensitive. The goal is to socialize a child without destroying the bond of love and trust between parent and child. One 22 yearlong study found that children whose parents are critical, harsh, or authoritarian often become self-absorbed adults. And these children often have higher than average record of violence and substance abuse. Creative communication between parents and children is the core of successful child management. Making a distinction between feelings and behavior is the key to clear communication. Since children (and parents, too) do not choose how they will feel, it is important to allow free expression of feelings.

 The child who learns to regard some feeling as bad or unacceptable, is being asked to deny a very real part of his or her experience, so parents are encouraged to teach their children that all feelings are appropriate, it is only actions that are subject to disapproval. Many parents are unaware of just how often they block communication and the expression of feelings in their children. Here is a conversation to illustration the issue of communication:

Grandson: I am worthless, and I know it, my dad and friends tell me all the time, look at my report card.

Grandfather: You just have to work harder, remember, Mrs. Higgins said you would be successful, and Mrs. Gaiser said you would be a great lawyer.

Grandson: I already work harder and it does not seem to help. No one likes me. They all hit me and yell at me and blame me for their problems. I have no brains.

Grandfather: You are highly intelligent and it makes others feel uncomfortable that you are so sensitive and advanced, I know.

Grandson: I am crazy and stupid, I know.

Grandfather: (loudly) You are not stupid! You are my grandson and I love you and refuse to let you hurt yourself!

Grandson: Yes, I am!

Grandfather: You are not dumb or crazy. Silly!

 By debating with the child, the grandfather misses the point that his son feels worthless, crazy, and dumb. It would be far more helpful for the grandfather to encourage the boy to talk about his feelings. How could he encourage the child to talk about his feelings? He might say, “You really feel that you are not as smart as others, do you not? Do you feel this way often? Are you feeling bad at school?” In this way, the child is given a chance to express his emotions and to feel understood. The grandfather might conclude the conversation by saying, “Look, grandson, in my eyes you are a great person and part of a great family, you will be successful. However, I understand how you feel. Everyone feels uncomfortable with their lives at some time.”

Encouragement is valuable and supportive parents encourage their children.

In terms of communication, encouragement sounds like this:

“It looks like you enjoyed that.”

“I have confidence in you; you will make it and be successful.”

“It was thoughtful of you to go to therapy.”

“Thanks. That helped a lot.”

“You really worked hard on that.”

“You are improving. Look at the progress you have made.”

 Communication with a child can also be the basis of effective discipline. Parents should send “I messages” to their children, instead of making “You” statements. What is the difference? You statements take the form of threats, name calling, accusing, bossing, lecturing, or criticizing. Generally you statements tell children what is wrong with them. An I message tells children what effect their behavior had on you. To illustrate the difference, consider this example. After a hard day’s work, Aaliyah wants to sit down and luxuriate awhile. She begins to luxuriate with a nice warm bubble bath, a glass of wine, and some soft music, dims lights, and the trade papers when her year-old son starts blasting Too $hort Married to the Game “That’s how it goes down.” Most parents would respond with you statements.

 “You go play outside this instant.” (bossing)

“Do not ever make such a racket when someone is luxuriating.” (lecturing)

“You are really acting crazy today, are you off your medication?!” (accusing)

“You are a little demon.” (name calling)

“You are going to get choked out, do not ever piss me off again!” (threatening) 

The proper way to handle the situation is to send I messages such as, “I am very tired and I want to luxuriate. I feel upset and cannot read with so much bass, it is drowning my voice out.” This forces the child to accept responsibility for the effect of his actions. To summarize, an I message states the behavior to which you object. It then clearly tells the child the consequences of his or her behavior and how that makes you feel. Here is how to fill in the blanks with I messages: “When you (state the child’s behavior), I feel (state your feelings) because (state the consequences of the child’s behavior). For example, “When you go to Kathy’s without telling me, I worry that something might have happened to you because I do not know where you are.” Natural and Logical Consequences: Sometimes events automatically discourage misbehavior. For example, the child who refuses to eat dinner will get uncomfortably hungry. A child who throws a temper tantrum may gain nothing but a sore throat and a headache if the tantrum is ignored. In such instances, a child’s actions have natural consequences (intrinsic effects). I situations that do not produce natural consequences, parents can set up logical consequences (rational and reasonable effects). For example, a parent might say, “We will go to the Wendy Shows when you have picked up all of these toys,” or “You can play with your dolls as soon as you have taken your bath,” or “You two can stop arguing or leave the table until you are ready to join us.”

 The concept of logical parent defined consequences can be combined with I messages to handle many day-to-day instances of misbehavior. The key idea is to use an I message to set up consequences and then give the child a choice to make: “Dale, we are trying to watch TV. You may settle down and watch with us or go play elsewhere. You decide which you would rather do.” How could have Aaliyah have dealt with her year old, the one who was blaring Too $hort on the stereo? A response that combines an I message with logical consequences would be, “I would like for you to stop blasting that rap music; otherwise, please take it outside.” If the child continues to blast that rap music inside the house, then he has made a decision to play the rap music in a way that causes his mother to turn it off. However, if the child takes the rap music outside, he has made a decision to play the rap music in a way that respects his mother’s wishes. In this way, both parent and child have been allowed to maintain a sense of self-respect and a needless clash has been averted. After you have stated consequences and let the child decide, be sure to respect the child’s choice. If the child repeats the misbehavior, you can let the consequences remain in effect longer. However later, give the child another chance to cooperate. The temperaments of children are often as oddly unsuited to parents as if capricious fairies had been filling cradles with changelings. With all child management techniques, remember to be firm, kind, consistent, respectful, and encouraging. And most of all, try every day to live the message you wish to communicate.

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