The World must be made safe, its peace must be planted upon the tested foundations of political liberty, and we have no selfish ends to serve. Most of us have been rewarded, first as children and later as adults, for compliant, obedient, or honorable behavior. Perhaps this is why so many people find it difficult to assert themselves.

Or perhaps non-assertion is related to anxiety about making a scene or feeling disliked by others. Whatever the causes, some people suffer tremendous anguish in any situation requiring poise, assurance, or assertion. We are liable to be imposed on, and to confer our choicest favors often on the undeserving. Lay yourself but the least open to imposition, and you will find so many ready to make their advantage of it that you would imagine justice was never in the land. Have you ever done any of the following?

Hesitated to question an error on your rent statement because you were afraid of making a scene? Backed out of asking your manager to fix a leaky toilet or to relocate you to another building? Said someone could enter your apartment, when you are not home, because you did not want to say no? Been afraid to make a tenant complaint because you did not want to seem unfair?

Decisive action is seen by appreciative minds to be frequently objectless, and sometimes fatal; but decision, however risky it may be, has more charm for one than the most unequivocal virtue. If you have ever had difficulty asserting yourself in similar situations, there is something called assertiveness training (instruction in how to be assertive). What is done in assertiveness training?

A charm must be accompanied by a strong wish on the part of the charmer that it may succeed. Assertiveness training is a very direct procedure. By using group exercises, videotapes, mirrors, and staged conflicts, the instructor teaches assertive behavior. People learn to practice the honesty, disagreeing, questioning authority, and assertive postures and gestures. As their confidence improves, bashfully clients are taken on field trips to shops and restaurants where they practice what they have learned.

Non-assertion requiring therapy is unusual. Nevertheless, many people become tense or upset in at least some situations in which they must stand up for their rights. For this reason, many people have found the techniques and exercises of assertive training helpful. If you have ever eaten a carbonized steak when you ordered it rare, or stood in silent rage as a clerk ignored you, the following discussion will be of interest.

Assertion-the first step in assertiveness training is to convince yourself of three basic rights: You have the right to refuse, to request, and to right a wrong. Assertion involves standing up for the rights by speaking out in your own behalf. How easy a choice poverty and honesty, rather than plenty and wickedness, is assertion just getting things your own way?

Not at all. A basic distinction can be made between assertion and aggressive behavior. Assertion is a direct, honest expression of feelings and desires. It is not exclusive self-assertive are usually patient to a fault. Sometimes their pent-up anger explodes with unexpected fury, which can be destructive to relationships.

In contrast to assertive behavior, aggression involves hurting another person or achieving one’s goals at the expense of another. A good heart will, at times, betray the best head in the World. Aggression does not take into account the feelings or the rights of others. It is an attempt to get one’s own way no matter what. Assertion techniques emphasize firmness, not attack.  A good conscience is the best of all narcotics.

Assertiveness training is the basic idea that each assertive action is practiced until it can be repeated even under stress. For example, let us say it really angers you when a manager gives several people, who arrived on the list after you did, parking spaces before you got one and threatens to tow your car after you finally get a parking space, claiming it is resident only parking, when you are a resident.

To improve your assertiveness in this situation, you would begin by rehearsing the dialogue, posture, and gestures you would use to confront the clerk or the other tenants. Working in front of a mirror can be very helpful. If possible, you should role-play the scene with a friend.

Be sure to have your friend take the part of a really narcissistic, belligerent, power-crazy, irresponsible manager, as well as a cooperative one. Rehearsal and role-playing should also be used to help defuse a situation when you expect possible confrontation with someone—for instance, if you are going to ask for a raise, challenge a grade, or confront a landlord.

Is that all there is to it? No. Another important principle is overlearning (practice that continues after initial mastery of a skill). When you rehearse or role-play assertive behavior, it is essential to continue to practice until your responses become almost automatic. This helps prevent you from getting flustered in the actual situation.

One more technique you may find useful is the broken record. This is an assertion technique involving repeating a request until it is acknowledged. A good way to prevent assertion from becoming aggression is to simply restate your request as many times and in as many ways necessary. As an illustration, let us say you are returning a pair of shoes to a store. After two wearings, the shoes fell apart, but you bought them two months ago, and no longer have a receipt. The broken record could sound something like this.

Kristina: I would like to have these shoes replaced.

Clerk: Do you have a receipt?

Kristina: No, but I bought these expensive stilettos here, and since they are defective, I would like to have you replace them.

Clerk: I cannot do that without a receipt.

Kristina: I understand that, but I want them replaced.

Clerk: Well, if you will come back this afternoon ET, and talk to the manager.

Kristina: I have brought these shoes in because they are defective.

Clerk: Well, I am not authorized to replace them.

Kristina: Yes, well, if you will replace these, I will be on my way.

Notice that the customer (Kristina) did not attack the clerk or create an angry confrontation. Simple persistence is often all that is necessary for successful assertion.

How would I respond to assertively to a put-down?

Responding assertively to a verbal aggression (a put-down) is a real challenge. The tendency is to respond aggressively, which usually makes things worse. A good way to respond to a derogatory comment uses the following steps: If you are wrong, admit it; acknowledge the person’s feelings; assert yourself about the other person’s aggression; briskly end the interchange.

Let us say you accidentally bump into someone. The person responds angrily, “Damn it! Why don’t you watch where you are going! You demon, you could have really hurt me!” A good response would be to say, “I am sorry I bumped you. I did not do it intentionally. It is obvious you are upset, but I do not like your calling me names, or hollering and screaming at me like you lost your mind. I can get your point without all of that drama.”

Now, what if someone insults you indirectly (“I love your taste in clothes, it is so basic”)? It is suggested that you ask for clarification (“What are you trying to say?”). This will force the person to take responsibility for the aggression. It can also provide an opportunity to change the way the person interacts with you: “I thought you were broke? If you really do not like what I am wearing, I would like to know it. I always like the things I buy, and I value your opinion.”

Being assertive does not supply instant poise, confidence, or assurance. However, it is a way of combating anxieties associated with life in an impersonal and sometimes intimidating society. If you are interested in more information, you can speak with a doctor.

Comparison of Assertive, Aggressive, and Non-assertive Behavior

Non-assertive Behavior:

Actor: Self-denying, inhibited, hurt, and anxious; lets others make choices; goals not achieved.

Receiver of Behavior: Feels sympathy, guilt, or contempt for actor; achieves goals at actor’s expense.

Aggressive Behavior:

Actor: Achieves goals at the expense of others’; expresses feelings, but hurts others; chooses for others or puts then down.

Receiver of Behavior: Feels hurt, defensive, humiliated, or taken advantage of; does not meet own needs.

 

Assertive Behavior:

Actor: Self-enhancing; acts in own best interest; expresses feelings; respects rights of others; goals usually achieved, self-respect maintained.

Receiver of Behavior: Needs respected and feelings expressed; may achieve goal; self-worth maintained.