I want to write, I want to be the best writer I can be, but I cannot even truly express my thoughts. Listening to the same playlist for weeks now because I cannot find time to make a new one…ironic because all I do is write. So what is on my mind….not much. Just pretending to like a city I do not and I sit here day after day writing, as if something will change, and it has not. I literally have no friends…and everyone I met just seems to be interested in sex or has some other agenda, but friendship seems to be nowhere in sight.

The World seems to different to me now, I feel like I am the only person alive, or like I am an invisible walking around on the same movie set day after day, it is a pretty set, and the green grass and nice buildings and pretty flowers do make me happy, but there is something in this city I hate, the city is a weird place for me. Why can I not make any real connection?

There is really no one to engage with on an intellectual level or any other level. You think you make a friend, and they go cold, or are playing more games. Often times people say you cannot fly, unless you try, but I have some weights holding me back. I need money, and am not sure how to produce it right now…so I wait. Setting here looking at a blank TV, I wait for bed time, and hope tomorrow will be better.

I am really thinking about trying online dating, not for dating purposes, but just to flirt and have someone to correspond with. No one likes being alone all the time or having questions no one can or will not answer. You know what, by now, even I am surprised that I have not mad a friend, but I used to have friends, I think? I do not know anything for sure anymore….

Call me a genius, but I feel like, and I know you may find this farfetched, but I feel like my life is suspended and I like on an Astral plane, where the only thing that matter is that I follow the rules and stay away from people—these people are trouble, only want favors, and nothing to offer. I know when I was younger that I did have real friends, but even my family seems like spies now. However, I feel like I am having a breakthrough with my mother, it seems she is waking up and also tired of the role playing in real life. And I sometimes wonder what would happen if I cease to exist?

I usually like to type at least 1,000 words, so I am pressing my brain for more thoughts, but nothing comes to mind, just tennis elbow flaring up and stomach turning….that is it, no one love me romantically, and how could you after all the tall tails (tales) that have been told? I do not even have any friends…I could go have one of these awkward experiences with one of these young ladies who feels sorry for me and stare at her TV with her for a while, I really think she only likes me because she thinks I am cute and a nice guy and feels so bad for everything that I go through. However, I do not want someone to like me out of pity. I have nothing to offer either, but you are welcome to stop by and hang out with me.

Today was nice, it was windy, I like the wind. I really feel like I am wasting the best years of my life. And the only reason I watch is because I worry about your safety, last time I stopped watching you, you let so freak cut a cumber that was in your mouth, while you were holding it. If I did not watch your show, a lot of drama would be gone out of my life, I can turn them all off, all they are doing is watching me. What is the point of watching each other? Haha. We get to irritate each other with our dangerous lives. And people pretend not to see or hear anything.

Jesus Christ, when did the World become like this? No one has the power to do anything, but allow select people to be abused. I hate it here. You treated a dog the way they treat me and the entire World would stand up to you and see that you would be put in jail. My life does not matter as much as the life of a dog or cat’s life. My professor said the same thing in college and now I understand what she meant, but being a white women, she had more opportunities than I do. Maybe someday someone will truly understand…

What do I want to do….have a normal life, but this lifestyle is anything, but normal. Next option, besides sitting here and reading and writing everyday, I want to skip paying the rent, go to the Bay Area, and do drugs and party like I never got to because I was trying to make something of my life, then going swimming in Ocean Beach at night. A mermaid told me swimming by the moonlight is so romantic–do not try it. If I do, I will write all about the experience so you can know.  By the way, the city is not so bad, but something is not quite right here….

Maybe it is just me, I am wired wrong, everyone else seems to be having a normal, happy, and productive life.