The ground fell from under me, like a trapdoor beneath the hangman’s noose, a sudden, sharp drop, then the jerk of the rope. I was lost; bewilderingly, heart and soul, lost. So they were not aware of how much you have suffered? People often do the idlest acts of their lifetime in their heaviest and most anxious moments. I held out for six years, but it came in the end, my breakdown, collapse, whatever one calls it. December 2014, I was taken to a private hospital, a sanatorium for men with nerve problems, neurasthenia, and other consequences of having survived in the trenches of Capitol Avenue. The medical staff was kind of efficient. I glanced at Collin. However, honestly, I did not want to get better if it meant losing what little I had left of my brother. There. I had said it. I exhaled. My shoulders sagged and my lower back hurt, worn out by the act of confession, physical attacks and all the drama and sad stories.

All the emotions, all the regrets, memories and questions I had allowed to decay inside me for so long, lay scattered about, like discarded gifts. So great a torment is anxiety to the human mind, that we always endeavor to relieve ourselves from it by guesses, however doubtful or uncertain; on which occasions, dislike and hatred are the surest guides to lead our suspicion to its object; all bodily attacks and torments are nothing compares with certain states of the human mind. Anxiety is a fear reaction, usually without any actual threat or real cause. Anxiety is the same as worry, dread, or apprehension. Some people have so much anxiety that they are on the verge of having a nervous breakdown, and sometimes, when others know you are at the point, they pile even more on your plate.

Anxiety can get so bad that you feel the urge to run out and buy a bottle of booze, drugs, or go to the doctor and get a prescription like Xanax. While these may sound like good idea, there could be a better solution. Let us look at the root causes of your anxiety. Often times people want to get ahead in life, so they start off by being very nice and respectful and obeying the rules that they were taught growing up. However, you have to remember that society was not raised as well as your family and a lot of people are thugs and savages, and they will prey on you. Nonetheless, you keep being nice to them and letting it go, without truly dealing with the issues because you do not want any drama. Conversely, you are holding onto the pain, and just like a BMW X5, sitting on a frozen lake, in the spring, the ice is going to break and you are going to sink because you are just sitting in the mess and not addressing the problems.

Drugs may sound like a good idea, and you may need the legal ones, but it is a lot like placing a tarp over a hole in the roof, in a Victorian mansion, they do not really solve the problems and could make it get worse. A lot of those medications are not good for your kidneys; they alter your personality, and can be addictive. Therefore, if you are holding your emotions inside, you need to politely address the situation. Now, I know when dealing ignorant and hustlers, they are not reasonable, and sometimes you may have to get at them on their level, at your own judgment, but never let it lead to violence.  However, another problem with anxiety medications is they can damage your short term memory, while you are still young; and senior citizens may suffer increased chances of developing dementia. So, unconsciously, you may slip away by forgetting your identity, or some part of your identity that is threatening, anxiety-producing, embarrassing, entrapping, or otherwise unwanted. Usually the person remembers most of their past experiences, such things one cannot remember that are clues to your problem.

However, what about the everyday, ordinary person—like you? You are not senile, have not had a blow to the head, nor are you repressing any wicked secret. What makes you forget things? Why can you not remember your sixteenth birthday party, when you got your first kiss? Her hand was so close to yours. You noticed how the diamond ring she wore, on her wedding finger was too big for her, and your girlfriend bragged that your mouth tasted like cookies, after they made you two play spin the bottle, in your parents empty house. You forgot every detail about that day. Her beautiful eyes, and long lashes, you got lost in the instant.  She had dark hair, which tumbled in loose curls around her porcelain face, unspoiled by power or rogue, and she had such pretty lips, so appealing. The moment your hand brushed against hers, so intense, so profound was the feeling, everyone in the room could feel the passion, as if they had been burned. Every sinew, every muscle, every vein in your boy seemed suddenly to vibrate, to be alive. A wave of lightness and gratitude washed over the room, this beautiful angel, understood you so clearly.

Sorry! It is not just time or disuse that causes tricks of memory, as logical as that might seem. Our evidence indicates that, under hypnosis or drugs like sodium pentothal or sodium amytol, forgotten experiences can be recalled to almost letter-perfection. If time really erased or damages those memory traces, these artificial means could not being them back. No, we need other explanations. The state of mind oppressed with a sudden calamity is like that of the fabulous inhabitants of the new-created Earth, who, when the first night came upon them, supposed that day would never return. Time is a factor, to be sure. However, not time or disuse alone. It seems that it is the events or experiences that filled that time period that interfere with total recall.

If I cannot recall my magical sixteenth birthday party, it is likely to be because since then I have had many others—plus a million other experiences that either were more significant or otherwise get more attention than does that poor sixteenth party. Perhaps your eighteenth birthday was so outstanding that you are unable to remember any others. Your brother took you to Idaho and you got to see his family’s beautiful home and all the land and the trees and the snow. You eighteenth birthday was so outstanding that you are unable to remember any others—it inhibits you from remembering any earlier parties. This is called retroactive inhibition because it inhibits earlier remembrances.  The opposite is called proactive inhibition—if you cannot remember your nineteenth, twentieth, or later birthdays because the eighteenth was so outstanding. Anxiety-based problems cause misery and seriously disrupt people’s lives.

However, they rarely bring about a total breakdown. Actually, the term nervous breakdown has no formal meaning, much like crazy. What many people have in mind when they use them term is properly called an adjustment disorder. Adjustment disorders occur when ordinary life stresses push people beyond their ability to cope effectively. Examples of such stress are prolonged unemployment, intense marital strife, and chronic physical illness. The presence of an adjustment disorder is signaled by extreme irritability, sleep disturbances, a loss of appetite, physical complaints, and apathy, anxiety, or depression. Often, these issues can be treated with rest, prayer, meditation, religion, sedation, supportive counseling, and a change to talk through fears and anxieties.

May the God of peace, Himself, sanctify you completely. When we pray, asking God to purify us, are we prepared to measure up to what that really means? The cost will be deep restriction of all our Earthly concerns, and an extensive cultivation of all our godly concerns. Sanctification means to be intensely focused on God’s point of view. It means to secure and to keep all the sinew (strength) of our body, soul, and spirit for God’s purpose alone. Are we really prepared for God to perform in us everything for which He separated us?

Life up your eyes on high, and see who has created these things. The everlasting God neither faints nor is weary. Because we are both biological and social creatures, it is not surprising that sometimes we can become susceptible to anxiety-based disorders. Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God, than dwell in the mansions of the unlovely. For the LORD God is a Sun and a shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you. God will show you favor and restore your fortunes.